Introduction
Different ideas about parenting can occur between you and your spouse or partner, your child’s grandparents and other relatives, a step-parent, your child’s teacher, or any other significant person in your child’s life. In creating a supportive network for your child, it is likely that at some point, you will encounter important people who have different ideas about parenting your child.
This is normal. Working through these differences can build your skills and your child’s communication, empathy, and problem-solving skills. This document provides guidance on:
- What do you do when important people have different ideas about parenting your child?
- How can we converse about those differences in a way that maintains a positive relationship?
- Tips for what to do when you find yourself in a high-conflict situation while remembering the underlying goal is to do what is in your child’s best interest.
Differences
As you build a network of important people in your child’s life, you will quickly find that people have different ideas when it comes to parenting. Some differences in parenting your child will be small, such as whether your child needs to pick up their toys before bed, whether your child can have snacks before dinner or close to another meal, or whether and how much screen time to allow your child to have.
Other differences will be more significant, such as what religious beliefs to practice, whether to breastfeed or bottle feed, whether to allow your child to have a pacifier when falling asleep, or what holidays to celebrate.
Encountering differences about how to parent your child can be positive. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, encountering different ideas about parenting your child can help you
- learn and grow
- see an issue from a new perspective
- deepen trust that you and influential people in your child’s life provide a positive and nurturing experience
For your child, encountering differences in parenting can help your child to
- navigate different approaches, ideas, and practices
- grow their social and emotional skills like getting along with others, perspective-taking, communication, and problem-solving
While differences in parenting can be positive and provide opportunities for learning and growth, some differences, especially ones that are extremely different from your parenting beliefs and behaviors, can have negative outcomes for you and your child.
For you, differences can
- cause conflict and disagreements
- cause you to jump to conclusions that may be inaccurate
- foster feelings of irritation, anger, stress, and resentment
- cloud judgment, preventing you from examining the real issue or separating the issue from the person
- weaken relationships with important people in your child’s life
For your child, differences, especially unresolved differences, can
- confuse
- foster feelings of uncertainty and stress1
Learning what to do when important people have different ideas about parenting your child is important. With guidance, you can navigate this challenge and, in the process, build your child’s life skills.
Choosing Your Response
When faced with situations where important people have different ideas about parenting your child than you do, you have choices about how to respond. Choices include:
- Choice #1 – Say nothing. Accept the other person’s ideas and actions and let them go.
- Choice #2 – Engage in a conversation.
Choice #1
One choice is to say nothing. You can decide that, while you might disagree, you can accept the other person’s ideas and actions. In making this choice, you conclude that
- there are many ways to approach a situation or issue
- different perspectives can create meaningful dialogue
- these differences are not harmful to your child
- this may be an opportunity for you and your child to learn and grow
Choice #2
Another choice is to decide that your parenting decisions are important, and the big difference requires a conversation with the important person. In making this choice, you conclude that without a conversation, this parenting difference may
- adversely impact your child or another child if they are involved
- foster feelings of resentment and anger
- negatively impact your relationship with this important other
Deciding to converse with an important person about parenting ideas different from yours requires intentional communication.
Intentional Communication
You value the relationship with the important person in your child’s life. Intentional communication is a way to have conversations while strengthening your relationship with those important people.
Intentional communication is a two-way dialogue that includes
- talking
- listening
- spending time to understand the other’s point of view
It’s about “talking with” instead of “talking to.” Intentional communication creates a space for learning and encourages curiosity (I’m curious why you think that is important for my child) rather than defensiveness (You may have parented that way, but it doesn’t mean it’s right!). Intentional communication fosters a sense of ownership because it is more relevant and meaningful and has broad application in many areas of your life. Ultimately, intentional communication can help you develop a mutually beneficial solution where your needs, your child’s, and the important person’s needs are met.
How Do You Do Intentional Communication?
Intentional communication includes
- creating the conditions for intentional communication
- listening actively to understand what is being said and the feelings being communicated
- using “I-messages”
- apologizing when needed
Create the Conditions for Intentional Communication
An optimal setting is where you and the other person can truly hear and learn from each other. Unfortunately, when you feel upset or react, the part of your brain that can listen or learn is disengaged.
Self-regulation skills are needed to get beyond a place where you are reactive and instead to where your brain can listen and learn. You can use empathy and connection with the important person to reach this place.
Suppose the conditions for intentional communication are not created. In that case, it is easy to end up with conversations that do not facilitate actual change in behavior and that potentially wear down the relationship. Creating the right conditions fosters positive interactions and models empathy and respect.
Tips to Create the Conditions for Intentional Communication
- Describe the purpose of the conversation.
- “I’d like to discuss the children’s bedtime routine with you.”
- “I’d like to talk about this upcoming holiday celebration.”
- “I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about when we discipline the children.”
- “I’d like to talk about how we approach the children when upset with them.”
- “I’d like to understand your expectations of me better when I take care of your children.”
- “I’d like to talk with you about why I do/don’t allow my child to have a pacifier to fall asleep.”
- “I’m curious why you think that way. I’d like to hear more.”
- Make sure there is enough time available. Find a mutually agreeable time. Don’t start a serious conversation when you or the important other is upset. Ensure the time you set aside is a priority (no phone, TV, etc.).
- “What would be the best time for us to talk?”
- “Do you have time to talk after dinner?”
- Find a time, if possible, when children are not present. Children have many needs and may unintentionally disrupt an important adult-to-adult conversation.
- Be aware of your mindset. Your emotions and current state will influence how you listen and talk. The other person’s frame of mind also matters. You might need to say, “Let’s take a break from this topic and talk more later tonight.”
- Start by acknowledging that you both want what is best for your child. You can often decrease defensiveness by stating that you have a common goal.
- Work on connecting and focus on the relationship before the content. You could use an empathic statement like, “You seem passionate about how we should handle this situation.” Or you could say, “I appreciate you looking out for the well-being of my child.” Or ask an open question like, “Tell me how you feel about this.” You could also say, “Thank you for your ideas. I appreciate you and am glad you’ve given me that suggestion. Let’s talk more about it.”
Listen Actively
Active listening is seeking to understand someone truly. It is a two-part style of listening. First, convey that you are listening through body language (e.g., nodding, eye contact). Second, convey understanding by stating back what you have heard or feelings that have been communicated. Ask open-ended questions if you do not quite understand or need more information. It takes practice to truly listen and understand without placing assumptions or judgment on what is being heard.
Listening actively is important. Active listening:
- shows you are genuinely interested in what the other person is saying
- creates a respectful interaction that honors the importance of other’s thoughts and feelings
- allows you to slow down and suspend assumptions while truly listening to what the important other is saying, feeling, and thinking
How to Engage in Active Listening
- Pay attention without distraction. You might say, “Let me turn off the TV and silence my phone.”
- Be aware of your body language and notice the importance of other’s body language.
- Use open-ended questions to invite the important other to tell their story in their own words without leading them in a specific direction.
- “How does this make you feel?”
- “Can you describe what happened when you yelled at the children?”
- “How can we work together to solve the struggle we seem to be having about when to discipline the children?”
- Convey understanding by reflecting and re-phrasing what you have heard or feelings that have been communicated.
- “So, you feel angry?”
- “You’re saying that…”
- “It’s like…”
- “It feels like…”
Using “I-Messages”
The purpose of communication is to deliver a message in a way that can be received. It is more important to deliver less information in a way that the other person can understand than to simultaneously provide all the information you want. Using “I-messages” allows the other person to receive the information without raising defenses.
“I-messages” are about conveying the impact of someone’s actions without blame. Notice the difference between: “You are being so rude yelling like that” and “I feel upset when you yell at the children.”
Put simply, the “I” portion impacts you, and the “you” portion is the behavior you notice. “I-messages” leave out any interpretation of the behavior (like “You did it because you don’t care”).“I-messages” avoid making any guesses about the intention behind the behavior (like “You did it to get your way”).
“I-messages” allow you to express your opinions without eliciting negative reactions.
“I-messages” work well during conflict and build the relationship by not assigning blame.
“I-messages” also build social and emotional skills like communication, constructive conflict negotiation, respect for others, self-discipline, and emotion regulation.
How to Do an “I-Message”
“I-messages” usually contain three parts: my feeling / your behavior / the impact. For example, “I feel stressed (my feeling) / when you yell at the children (your behavior) / I keep thinking about how badly they must feel being yelled at (the impact).” Including these three parts in the message differs greatly from a message like, “You are so disrespectful when you yell at the children like that.”
You can also add details about how you interpret the behavior (the story you tell about the behavior). For example, “I feel angry when you yell at the children. When I hear you yell at the children, the story in my head is that you don’t respect them or me. Help me correct my story.” This differs greatly from “You are so inconsiderate” or “You are rude.”
Repairing Harm
Taking responsibility or admitting when you are wrong is excellent modeling and demonstrates vulnerability and a willingness to grow. Being able to repair harm or apologize sends the message that making mistakes is part of learning and getting better. It not only creates an environment where it is okay to “fail,” it establishes behavioral norms that we take responsibility for our actions.Apologizing strengthens your relationship with the important person and allows you to reflect.
Tips on How to Repair Harm:
- Be genuine – apologize for what you truly mean.
- Start with “I’m sorry” or “I apologize,” and be specific about what you are apologizing for.
- Do not use “if”; use “that” instead. For example, rather than, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” say, “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.”
- Don’t make excuses or apologize in a way that blames the other person. This is not an apology: “I’m sorry for yelling, but when you say things like that, I have to yell.”
- Keep it short and stop talking to let the other person respond.
Still, Struggling to Find Common Ground About Parenting? Is the Difference in Parenting Causing Conflict? Is the Conflict Escalating?
Intentional communication is a style that increases the likelihood that your needs, your child’s needs, and the important other’s/person’s needs are met. However, sometimes you might find that you and an important person can’t find common ground about parenting. The difference in parenting is causing conflict, and that conflict is escalating. Now what?
In high-conflict situations, your response needs to become one of managing the relationship by managing your thoughts and behaviors with your child’s best interests at the forefront of your decision-making and actions. While it isn’t likely you will be able to change the other person; you can influence the situation by changing yourself. Here are a few actions to manage yourself in high-conflict situations.
Actions to Manage Yourself in High-Conflict Situations
- Keep the goal in mind – you want what is best for your child. This important goal can help you keep perspective when faced with challenging and conflictual situations. When faced with a conflictual situation, ask yourself, “What is the desired outcome of this communication? How can I communicate to produce a positive outcome for my child?”
- Notice, name, and accept your feelings. Notice what you honestly feel and name it: “I’m angry and frustrated about this situation.” Accepting those feelings instead of fighting them can be a relief. And then, if you want to change your feelings, you can take action toward change.
- Be thoughtful about your response. It takes a lot of restraint to think through what you want to say before you say it. Consider what is helpful in this situation.
- If your conversation isn’t productive, and you feel frustrated, stop. You could say, “We are both passionate about this topic. Let’s take a break and revisit the issue tomorrow when we both have some time to calm down and think about it.” Or, you could say, “I am feeling frustrated right now. I will take a break from this conversation and go on a walk to calm myself down. When I return, we can decide how we want to move forward.”
- If communication with the important person has the potential to escalate or become dangerous, establish safe barriers for communication, such as through email, co-parenting software, meeting in a public space, or another means of communication that will ensure everyone’s safety.
- Seek professional help if needed. Parenting is both rewarding and challenging. It is okay to ask for help.
Closing
Differences in parenting can occur between you and any important person in your child’s life. When creating a supportive network for your child, it is likely that you will encounter important people who have different ideas about parenting your child than you do.
Throughout this document, there are opportunities to build your skills to work through these differences, maintain a positive relationship with the important people in your child’s life, and ultimately do what is in your child’s best interest.
