Introduction
Your child/teen will naturally test limits, break rules and hurt others. This is a normal part of their development at each age and stage and is necessary for their learning. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can choose to be purposeful and deliberate in the ways you apply logical consequences, communicate your expectations, and guide your child/teen to repair harm when needed.
On a typical day, a child’s/teen’s behavior or action may result in a natural consequence. Natural consequences are those that happen naturally as a result of a child’s/teen’s choice or action without any intervention from a parent or those in a parenting role. As an example, a child isn’t paying attention at the dinner table and tips over a glass of milk. The natural consequence is that their clothes are wet from the spilled milk.
In addition to a natural consequence, there may be times that adults need to set a logical consequence in response to a child’s/teen’s behavior or action. Logical consequences are those that are set by an adult and are related to the child’s/teen’s behavior. Logical consequences are not a parent-invented punishment for a poor choice. Instead, they are a consequence that is tied to a behavior and allows for a teachable moment. Logical consequences provide parents or those in a parenting role the opportunity to teach a child that choices have an impact not only on themselves but also on others and the environment around them. Sometimes the impact of a choice is immediate (like spilling juice in another person’s lap) and sometimes, it’s either subtle (cannot always be physically observed like hurt feelings) or the impact is felt over time (such as, stealing a toy when a sibling is not around).
When you, as a parent or someone in a parenting role, allow for natural consequences to take place without rescuing your child or imposing or inventing new consequences that may not naturally occur and then follow up with logical consequences and guidance to repair harm, you are offering opportunities for learning and building your child’s skills.
While for some adults, it can be a simple process to connect decisions to outcomes, in fact, consequential thinking is a higher order thinking skill that is learned through experience and practice. As a child/teen grows, their brain is reorganizing from their childhood magical thinking processes to a more rational and logical thinking process. Their higher order thinking skills are not fully formed until the early to mid-twenties.
How parents or those in a parenting role model, teach, practice and support children/teens as they think through the impact of choices before they make them and then respond in ways that repair the harm they’ve caused can make a big difference in cultivating your child’s ethics and sense of responsibility. This is the essential skill of responsible decision-making.
This document on how you facilitate logical consequences and help your child/teen learn to repair harm is divided into two parts. First, logical consequences and repairing harm is defined and specific real life examples for skill building are provided. Then, how paying attention to logical consequences and repairing harm is essential and different than punishment is explored.
Logical Consequences and Repairing Harm for Skill Building or Teachable Moments
While there are many different approaches you can take in responding to a child’s/teen’s poor choice, seeking to apply logical consequences of a poor choice and supporting your child/teen in repairing harm allows for teachable moments in owning their behavior and supports your child’s/teen’s development. Responding in this way builds your child’s social and emotional skills through your interactions during or after an inappropriate behavior. This is an approach in which you, as the parent or one in a parenting role:
- draw clear boundaries and teach your child/teen how to be successful staying within those boundaries.
- realize that you are serving as a model of behavior.
- pause when upset and take the time necessary to calm down before responding.
- recognize that your child/teen may have an unmet need and seek to understand what big feelings might be influencing your child’s/teen’s behavior.
- allow for natural consequences to take place without rescuing your child or imposing or inventing new consequences that may not naturally occur.
- reflect with your child/teen on the outcome of choices to themselves, yourself, others and the environment. You reflect on today’s outcomes and whether there may be ripple effects in the future.
- help your child/teen take responsibility by repairing harm when they have caused physical or emotional damage.
This process helps your child/teen distinguish between what’s right and wrong, grow responsibility, and learn vital social and emotional skills. Here are some specific examples at various ages and stages:
| Challenge | Natural Consequence | Applying Logical Consequence
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What if the behavior happens again (and again)?
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| Your child will not stay in bed. | Your child will likely feel tired and grumpy the next day due to lack of sleep. | Reflect on the natural consequences with your child.
Communicate your expectations about staying in bed. You could say, “We all need sleep to feel our best. Bedtime is when your body rests so you can wake up feeling happy and energetic in the morning.” Instead of taking away privileges, create a consequence directly related to not staying in bed. You could say “If you get out of bed again tonight, then tomorrow morning’s playtime will be shortened because we need to make sure you get enough sleep.” Tomorrow, make a plan together for a sleep routine. Have your child draw a picture about the plan so that you can refer to it together during your sleep routine. |
Establish a consistent bedtime routine, create a calming sleep environment, avoid stimulating activities before bed, and stick to the routine even during rough nights.
Help your child be tired at bedtime. Make sure they are getting enough active time during their day. Spend time outdoors when possible to get fresh air and sunshine. Communicate to your child that good sleep is essential for healthy development. To help them sleep better, teach them about limiting screen time and eating a healthy diet. You could also read some books together that model good sleep habits. For young children, spend some time practicing staying in bed during non-sleep time. You might say, “Let’s practice staying in bed. If you lay here for 5 minutes, we will read a story together.” Remember, each time your child chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
| Throwing Toys | The toy may break or get lost, and they won’t be able to play with it anymore. | Reflect on the natural consequences with your child.
Communicate your expectations “Throwing toys can hurt someone or break them. We want to keep everyone safe and our toys in good condition.” Instead of taking away privileges, create a consequence directly related to throwing toys, like not replacing broken or lost toys or putting away the toys that were thrown until tomorrow. You might say, “I am going to put your blocks away in my closet. We can bring them out again tomorrow when you can play safely again.” If a toy is thrown at another person, take the time to repair harm. You might say, “When you threw that toy at Anna, you hurt her arm. Let’s go talk to her and make it right.” If your child breaks a toy that belongs to someone else, help them make it right. You could say, “Since you broke Aidan’s truck, let’s let him use one of your trucks.” |
Talk to your child about what they are feeling when they want to throw a toy. If they are just curious about what will happen, let them go outside and throw it with your supervision and talk about what happened. Teach them when throwing toys is and is not appropriate.
Remember, each time your child chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
| Your child refuses to get in the car to go to school. | Your child is late for school and they missed morning announcements.
You and your child’s teacher are disappointed. |
Reflect on these real world outcomes not to place blame but connect decisions with outcomes so your child can repair harm and make a next better choice.
Communicate your expectations about their behavior. You could say, “School is so important and next time I expect you to be ready when it is time to go.” You might ask your child, “What can we do to make things better?” Ideas might include apologizing together to the teacher and finding out what announcements were missed. You might also ask, “What can we do to prevent being late tomorrow or even next week?” Make a plan together for the morning routine to deal with any issues that might make your child late. Have your child write or draw a picture about your plan so that you can refer to it together during your morning routine. |
Often children’s behaviors are not done out of defiance but there may be other underlying causes.
Consider, are there fears of separation from you that are guiding your child’s behavior? If that’s possible, how can you take steps to create more safety and connections with the teacher, friends, and school? Remember, each time your child chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
| Your child/teen lies to you when you ask whether they have finished their homework. | Your child’s/teen’s teacher gives a zero for the missing homework.
You feel you cannot trust your child/teen to tell you the truth about their homework. |
Reflect on these natural consequences with your child/teen. Reflect on the importance of honesty for a healthy relationship. You could ask, “Why is truth and honesty important?”
Communicate your expectations about their behavior. You could say, “Honesty is an important value in our family. When I ask you about your homework, I expect you to be honest with me.” Go together to the teacher and have your child/teen ask how they can make up the homework. Support your child/teen in making up the missing homework. |
Is your child/teen struggling with homework? Spending some time helping your child get through the homework assignment can give you insight into whether they are having enough difficulty that you need to ask the teacher for extra support.
Remember, each time your child/teen chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child/teen in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
| You get a call from your child’s teacher reporting that they shoved a classmate on the playground and had to sit out of recess. | Your child had to sit out of recess.
The classmate is upset with your child. The teacher is disappointed by your child’s actions. |
Before making any judgments, pause and listen to your child’s story first.
You discover that a classmate was spreading untrue and cruel rumors about your child and taunting them with mean words. You could ask questions like, “How do you feel about what your classmate did?” “Did shoving help or make things worse and why?” “How do you think your teacher feels about the incident?” Communicate your expectations about their behavior. You could say, “I don’t like that your classmate was spreading rumors about you, but I don’t ever want you to push or shove. That is not the way we solve problems.” You might ask, “What can you do to stop the ongoing taunting that will not harm anyone? And how can you repair any harm you’ve caused by shoving?” If your child has been bullied, this is a tough issue and they’ll need your support and the teacher’s support as well. |
Oftentimes, there’s more to the story than one shove or one insult. So be sure and take the time necessary to listen to your child. Create a safe, non-judgmental and supportive place for your child to share.
Be sure and reflect on your child’s feelings. Repairing harm and having your child own responsibility for their behavior in the situation does not excuse the other child’s poor behavior. Then talk together about ways to stop the aggression like saying “Stop” and walking away, and finding other friends who will be supportive. Remember, each time your child chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
| The teacher reaches out to let you know that your child/teen is being disruptive in class – cracking jokes, talking and distracting others from learning. | Your child/teen has lost a privilege at school and is required to make up their learning time.
Your teacher and you are disappointed in your child’s/teen’s choices. |
Because the teacher is calling this to your attention, a logical consequence is scheduling a conversation between you, your child/teen, and your child’s teacher to understand what’s going on for your child and making a plan for improvement.
Communicate your expectations about their behavior. You could say, “I do not want you to disrupt class. It is not okay with me that you distract others from learning.” Helping your child/teen accept and voice responsibility for their actions with the teacher is an important step. Then, how can you work with the teacher in partnership to find ways your child/teen can meet their needs in acceptable ways such as, saving jokes for lunchtime or designating a time right before class ends with the teacher. |
Before meeting with your child/teen and the teacher, it will be critical for you to start a safe, non-blaming conversation with your child to discover their feelings and motivation behind their actions. Does your child/teen have an unmet need like feeling unseen or unheard by the teacher? By classmates? What are some acceptable ways they can get their needs met?
Remember, each time your child/teen chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
| You discover that your child/teen is spreading mean words and rumors on social media. | Your child’s/teen’s friends are upset with your child/teen about what was said on social media.
You are disappointed about your child’s/teen’s choices online and start checking their social media account more regularly. |
You work with your child/teen to agree to a pause from social media to have time to reflect on what’s going on.
Reflect on the impact of your child’s/teen’s behaviors to others. You could ask, “How do you think your friend feels? Do you think she feels angry? Sad? What do you think your friend is thinking when they see your posts on social media?” Leave plenty of space for them to think and reflect. Communicate your expectations about their behavior. You could say, “Hurting others with rumors and mean words is not acceptable.” After the break from social media, consider how you can support and coach them on taking responsibility for their mean words and apologizing or repairing the harm they caused. |
As you create a safe listening space, you discover that your child/teen is also being attacked on social media and is replicating the behaviors they are experiencing.
Consider ways you can make a plan with your child/teen to either leave chats (or block or unfollow) that are abusive or learn ways to not respond or create boundaries. Remember, each time your child/teen chooses unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child/teen in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
| Your child/teen has stopped turning in their homework in a few classes.
You begin to get messages from teachers. |
Your child/teen does not get full credit for their homework assignments.
Your child’s/teen’s grades are negatively impacted. You and your child’s/teen’s teacher are disappointed in your child’s/teen’s performance. |
A discussion between you, your child’s/teen’s teacher and your child/teen is needed to find out what steps can be taken to make up for the missed homework.
Your child/teen may be supported and encouraged to discuss this on their own with their teacher without your presence needed. Communicate your expectations about their behavior. You could say, “I expect you to be responsible and turn in your homework assignments when they are due.” Brainstorm ideas about how your child/teen can make up for the missed work but also create a plan with the teacher going forward for either getting extra support or discovering new ways of approaching the work to get it done on time. |
Create an open, safe listening space (and it may take multiple tries) to find out what’s going on with your child’s/teen’s work. Does your child/teen not like the teacher or the classes? Is your child having learning struggles? Are they fearing failure?
Remember, each time your child/teen chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child/teen in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
| Your child’s/teen’s teacher reports they are consistently falling asleep or on their phone not paying attention in class. | Your child/teen misses an important assignment that was discussed.
Your child/teen isn’t prepared for the exam. Your child’s/teen’s grades are negatively impacted. |
Reflect on your child’s/teen’s behavior to understand what is happening. Pause and listen to your child’s/teen’s story.
Support your child/teen to directly communicate with their teacher without your presence but they may require your encouragement and coaching before a meeting with the teacher. Make sure you are available to reflect with your child/teen on the conversation afterward. Communicate your expectations about their behavior. You could say, “I expect you to pay attention in class and to put your phone in your backpack.” Help your child/teen find ways to meet their needs and communicate with their teacher directly that takes responsibility for their own behavior and commits to not fall asleep in class again. |
Be sure you create a safe, non-threatening, non-blaming space for reflecting on what’s happening in that class. Why is your child/teen sleeping or not paying attention? Do they need more sleep at night? Do they not like their teacher or the class in general? How can they make a plan with your support to get through the class (since we all experience classes we don’t like but have to get through in life).
Remember, each time your child/teen chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child/teen in growing these skills. Refer to the Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success for additional support and keep practicing. |
Logical Consequences and Repairing Harm are Different Than Punishment
This area is challenging for many parents or those in a parenting role.2 Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior was inappropriate. In fact, when a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, ashamed, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt causes a child/teen to have a fight, flight, or freeze reaction which places your child in survival thinking only. They are unable to focus on whatever lesson you are trying to teach them. Your child/teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize entirely, feeling unsafe, and losing trust in you.
Reflecting together on real world consequences (not imposed) and then seeking ways to repair harm as teachable moments to grow your child’s/teen’s skills can be transformational in your understanding of discipline and can enrich your relationship with your child/teen. Without learning these new skills in parenting which are not how most of us were raised, particularly during the toughest moments, parents or those in a parenting role are likely to resort to what they learned from their own upbringing and reinforce actions that may not align with the family’s deepest values. Learning and practicing new strategies based on solid research can help you feel competent and confident that you are responding to parenting challenges in ways that promote your child’s/teen’s development and align with your parenting values.
Closing
Applying logical consequences and facilitating repairing harm is a process through which you can assist your child/teen in acquiring essential life skills when they engage in unsafe or inappropriate behaviors. They will make mistakes but they always have a next chance to take responsibility and make up for the hurt caused or damage done. And this process involves skills they can practice with your support including knowing oneself, being aware of others, owning one’s choices and taking action to repair harm. They are developed over the lifespan from birth throughout adulthood. These skills are critical to success in life and are associated with outcomes such as healthy relationships, academic success, emotional wellbeing, and improved work performance.
Note: I found these links added in and they are bing links, Also the document says to link part of the table to the parenting process but its not clear which part
