The First 24 Hours, Week, and Six Weeks of a Child in Foster Care Joining Your Family

Introduction

You receive a call from the child protection specialist asking to place a child in need of foster care with your family today. You are probably experiencing a range of emotions – excited, nervous, and a little scared, all of which are completely normal. For weeks and months leading up to this day, you have been preparing for a child in need of foster care to join your family (See: Preparing for a Child in Foster Care). Today is the day! This document provides guidance, tips, and suggestions about how to navigate the first 24 hours, the first week, and the first six weeks of having a child in foster care join your family.

The First 24 Hours

From the moment a child in foster care enters your home, that child’s life has changed. Before today, the child’s life was familiar – a familiar environment, familiar smells, and familiar people. Now, everything is new and different. Nothing is the same. They are in a new place with different people. This is a scary and unsettling time. A child’s reaction to this huge change can vary with a range of emotions, including confusion, anger, fear, and sadness.

Consider what this time must feel like for the child. Put yourself in their shoes and try to see the situation from the child’s perspective. Ask yourself, “How can I make the first 24 hours feel safe, supportive, and nurturing for this child?”

• Start at the beginning. Think about your first actions by putting yourself in the child’s shoes and thinking about how you would feel. This is a new environment with new people, and you are expected to stay in that new environment with those new people for an undetermined amount of time, over which you have no control. Consider how you would want to be approached in this situation. Consider how you can make this situation less scary and more welcoming for your child in foster care.
  • Introduce yourself and the other family members living in your home, including pets.¹
  • Don’t expect the child to remember everyone’s names. Their brain may be in fight or flight mode and unable to effectively transfer information into their long-term memory.
  • Give a short tour of your home and show them their personal space and other important spaces like the bathroom and kitchen.¹ During the tour, point out items that they might want to play with, such as toys or where there are books to read.

• Establish age-appropriate expectations. The child needs a safe, structured, consistent environment; establishing expectations is a step toward creating that environment. Keep expectations simple to start. As everyone adjusts in the first few days, you can engage your child in foster care in a more in-depth discussion of household expectations. But for now, keep it simple.
  • In time, consider getting their input and creating expectations and consequences together. You can create ownership and buy-in to the rules and expectations by asking open-ended questions. You’ll prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to rules better so that you can address them.
  • In some instances, children in the foster care system may not have learned to follow simple rules or how to do everyday tasks like making their bed or brushing their teeth. Routines, rules, and expectations can allow opportunities for learning, teaching, monitoring, and recognizing effort.
• Be available and approachable. The child who has just joined your family has experienced a distressing event. The child might be feeling angry, sad, scared, and lonely. Or they might feel anxious, scattered, and relieved. All their feelings are appropriate. Your job is to be available and approachable. Some children might want to talk about the situation, and others might need quiet time to reflect. You could say, “I am here if you want to talk, but it is okay if you don’t want to talk about it right now. You can come to me at any time.” Sometimes, simply being around and present as the child engages in play or another activity is reassuring and comforting.
• Offer plenty of downtime. Consider limiting the number of scheduled commitments you have. Your child in foster care has just experienced a dramatic change in their life. Rest is important.

The First Week

The first week with your child can be a rollercoaster of events, changes, and emotions. It can be positive and rewarding but also exhausting. You are getting to know each other, and your relationship is new. Both you and your child in foster care are in the process of transitioning into a new role. It is common during this transition for your child in foster care to test limits. Your role as a foster parent is to provide a safe, stable, and nurturing environment where your child can thrive.

• Keep a positive attitude and recognize that everyone is learning.
• Check-in with your child often and offer to talk and listen. Follow the child’s lead. Offer opportunities to talk, but don’t force conversations.
• Begin a more in-depth discussion of household expectations and include the child in creating those expectations.
• Start to establish a predictable routine. Establishing a routine can help everyone. Eating meals, doing homework, doing chores, and waking up and going to bed at predictable times are ways to begin establishing a routine.
• Plan to attend several important meetings. You can expect a court hearing, a meeting with the case worker, an interdisciplinary team meeting, a family of origin visit (when appropriate), and a meeting with the attorney or guardian ad litem (GAL).

• Ask a lot of questions so you can better support and care for your child in foster care.
• Communication is essential to make sure your child in foster care receives the services they need.

• Reach out to your support network.³ Ask for help when you need it.
• Check-in with your co-parent and children already living in your home. You could say, “I know we have had many demands on our time, but I want to check in with you. How are you feeling about all this change? How can I support you?”
• Include others in your home when making decisions so that everyone feels like a valued family member. Consider having a family meeting to discuss schedules, family routine changes, etc. You could say, “I would like us to decide together how we want to do our after-school routine.” Or “I would like us to brainstorm ways to make our morning routine smoother.”
• Be patient with yourself and everyone in your home. You might feel discouraged that everything isn’t going the way you expected it to go. You might also see unexpected emotions or behaviors from the children in your home. Remember, this is a big transition for everyone.

The First Six Weeks

Within the first six weeks, you will probably feel like you are settling into a routine and are more comfortable in your role as a foster parent. You will most likely also notice changes in your child in foster care and the other family members living in your home.

• Continue to align expectations and goals with everyone in the family. Remember, the goal of foster care is for your child in foster care to be reunited with their family of origin. Invite family conversations at dinner or while playing a game to discuss how your family has changed and what they have learned.
• You could say, “Do you remember the first day you came to live with us? We have changed a lot.” Reflect on those changes. Plan a fun activity with everyone in the family. A fun activity can build relationships and give everyone something to look forward to doing. Fun activity ideas that are no or low cost include:
  • Visit a park
  • Have a scavenger hunt
  • Volunteer together
  • Play a board game
  • Visit the library
  • Have a picnic
  • Make a living room fort
• Contact your child protection specialist about opportunities to get to know your child’s family of origin. The child protection specialist will determine if and when this is appropriate.
• Plan to schedule and attend several medical (doctor, dentist, vision, hearing) appointments for your child in the coming weeks. Most medical appointments for a child in foster care are required within 30 days of their placement in your home. You must work closely with the child protection specialist to schedule necessary medical appointments.
• Help your child in foster care navigate the foster care system. Your child may experience disappointments. For example, their biological parents might miss a scheduled visitation appointment, or the court may decide that they will need to stay in foster care for a more extended period. Reassure your child that these situations are not their fault. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes, things don’t go as quickly as we would like them to.” Normalize their feelings. “How are you feeling? It’s okay to be angry, upset, or disappointed.”
• Remember, your child in foster care is still adjusting to their new environment, and in that adjustment time, you may see your child express challenging behaviors. Some examples of challenging behaviors you may see your child in foster care display include:
  • Lying⁴ including not telling the truth or leaving out specific content (lie by omission)
  • Aggressive behaviors like hitting, kicking, and spitting ⁵
  • Sleeping problems ⁶ like having difficulty falling asleep or waking up multiple times at night
  • Eating problems like overeating, eating too fast, eating very little, or picky eating
• As you get more comfortable with your child in foster care, you might start to notice “triggers.”⁷ Triggers are anything that elicits a reaction in the child right before a display of challenging behavior.⁵ For example, asking a child to wear socks with their shoes (trigger) causes the child to scream and cry and refuse to wear the socks (challenging behavior). Before reacting to any behavior, pause and seek to understand what is happening to the child. Remember, providing empathy for the child’s experiences does not mean you are stating that the behavior is appropriate. Hold off on any corrections or consequences until you and the child feel calmer and better understand what the child is experiencing.
• Challenging behaviors are often seen in children who have a history of abuse and neglect.⁸ The response that you choose when dealing with challenging behaviors is important. Your goal is to address the behavior while maintaining and building your relationship with your child in foster care. Challenging behaviors can be stressful to manage as a foster parent. When faced with challenging behaviors, ask yourself,
  • “What are some reasons this child might be behaving this way?”
  • “What is my reaction to this behavior?”
  • “How do I feel?”
• As you gather information about when your foster child may be reunited with his family, have conversations to prepare both the foster child and your family members for the transition.
  • You can start to talk about what it will be like when your foster child leaves your home and returns to their home. “How are you feeling about going home? What are you most excited about? What are your concerns?”
  • Ask similar questions to the other children in your home. You could say, “What feelings do you have knowing that (child’s name) will be leaving us?” Explore their feelings. You could also help your children reflect on what the child in foster care might be feeling. You could ask, “How do you think (child’s name) feels about going home?” Helping children identify feelings can grow their social and emotional skills.
• Use intentional communication to engage in a conversation with the child. After engaging in intentional communication with the child, reflect on your experience. You could ask yourself,
  • ”Did I react in a constructive way that could foster learning for this child?”
  • “How could I handle the situation better next time?” Brainstorm ideas.
  • “Do I need help from a professional to manage this behavior?”
• Take time for yourself. It is essential to take care of yourself so you can care for others. Find time every day to do something you enjoy. You could use the time to take a walk outside, read, watch your favorite TV show, take a bath, meditate, go to the gym, or whatever helps you feel reenergized and connected. Caring for yourself can help you maintain perspective and be your absolute best.

Closing

The first 24 hours, the first week, and the first six weeks after having a child in foster care join your family can be exciting as well as stressful. Tips and guidance to navigate this new transition can ease stress and help you feel confident and ready to provide a loving home and experience for a child in foster care.