Parenting Process for Your Child’s Success

Introduction

All parents or those in a parenting role want their children to be confident, to be resilient, and to make healthy choices. Parents or those in a parenting role can grow these important skills in their children and address common parenting issues like establishing routines, listening, and doing chores by using a parenting process.

The parenting process is a way of interacting with your child that creates an environment for learning. The parenting process equips you with a step-by-step process for dealing with simple and challenging parenting issues, and it allows you to purposefully develop social and emotional skills in your child so that your child is able to manage their emotions and make better decisions. Using the parenting process is a way to intentionally grow these important life skills in your child.

The parenting process includes five steps that parents or those in a parenting role can use with their child/teen at every age. The five steps are: Input, Teach, Practice, Support, and Recognize. Through the five-step process, you are interacting with your child/teen, teaching them skills, allowing them to practice, supporting their learning, and recognizing their effort. And most importantly, you are intentionally building a positive relationship with your child/teen.

The parenting process is fluid, and revisiting steps multiple times is normal and expected. Keep in mind, you are successful when you engage in the parenting process with your child/teen regardless of the outcome. Engaging in the parenting process with your child/teen might not lead to immediate results or the exact outcome you desire, but every time you engage in the process, you are building your child’s/teen’s skills to be successful. You are creating an environment for learning where your child/teen is able to practice and grow their social and emotional skills.

Begin slowly by choosing one issue or task to practice using this process. Print out the tool and use it as a guide to work through each step with the chosen issue. Print the tool summary and put it on your refrigerator as a reminder. As you become more familiar with the process, your confidence will build.

For many, using the parenting process is a new way of interacting. Be patient with yourself and keep practicing. This way of interacting with your child/teen takes practice. It is through practice that skills are learned and strengthened.

This document describes each of the five steps (Input, Teach, Practice, Support, and Recognize) in the parenting process and provides details about

• what each step is,
• why each step is important, and
• how to actively engage in each step with your child at every age.

Step 1 Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

What

The first step in the process is: Input. Getting input is about purposefully creating an opportunity for your child to interact and engage with you.

For parents or those in a parenting role, getting input is about purposefully creating an opportunity for your child/teen to cognitively engage in a conversation with you. Getting input allows your child/teen to take an active role in the conversation. Cognitively engaging with you requires your child/teen to process the information being communicated and to reflect on the content. Instead of telling your child/teen what to do, lecturing, or giving advice, you invite your child/teen to participate in a dialogue about the topic or issue with you. Dialoguing with your child engages the logical part of their brain which supports problem solving while also communicating that you are available to offer support in the future. Genuinely listening to your child’s/teen’s ideas without judgment and asking them questions to deepen their thinking is essential to gaining input and to creating a true learning opportunity.

Why

Input is important for several reasons.

Getting input helps you respond to cues. Paying close attention to facial expressions and body language helps you understand what your child/teen is trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your child/teen at every age create empathetic interactions that promote healthy relationships.

Getting input helps you correct assumptions you may have about behavior. Sometimes, as a parent or those in a parenting role, you can make assumptions about why your child/teen does certain things in certain ways. Sometimes your assumptions are incorrect, and getting input allows you the opportunity to correct the assumptions you make to teach the right skill.

You might assume your child/teen is acting out because they are angry but realize through the process of asking open-ended questions that they are really feeling sad. Engaging with your child/teen can help you avoid inaccurate conclusions about their behavior.

Getting input creates a sense of ownership in the outcome. When your child/teen is invited into a conversation, they are more likely to support the decisions that are made. Further, they will likely be more invested in following the guidelines or expectations you have created with them.¹

Getting input builds social and emotional skills. When asked for input, your child/teen will have the opportunity to practice their social and emotional skills. Practicing social and emotional skills helps to make those skills concrete. For example, getting input provides opportunities for your child/teen to practice communicating well and listening to what is being said. Getting input also provides opportunities to learn to negotiate in ways that promote healthy relationship skills. Communicating, listening, and learning to negotiate are examples of the social and emotional skills you are building when getting input. These social and emotional skills have broad application in a variety of different situations.

Getting input builds confidence and conveys respect. When you get input, you are sending a message to your child/teen that their opinions matter to you. You are sending a message that you respect their ideas and are interested in learning about them. Getting input builds self-esteem and confidence at every age.

Getting input helps you as well. Getting input and listening authentically to what your child/teen is communicating (either through body language or verbally) may shift your thinking, challenge you to rethink your own ideas, or help you to look at the task or issue in a new way. Perhaps, through their input, you develop more empathy, which is an important social and emotional skill. Empathy is being able to sense what your child/teen is feeling or thinking without them having to tell you.² Empathy fosters connection³ and helps you build a positive relationship with your child/teen.

How

Input starts with creating the conditions for intentional communication, and parents or those in a parenting role can do this in a variety of different ways.

Getting input is about purposefully creating an opportunity for your child/teen to engage with an issue (like stress, establishing routines, homework, etc.). Getting input is more than just asking for your child’s/teen’s opinion. It is about truly hearing and valuing what they are saying.

One approach to getting input is to start by asking open-ended questions to encourage two-way communication and to show that you value what your child/teen is thinking or feeling. Asking open-ended questions invites cognitive engagement and allows you to explore your child’s/teen’s perspective.

Open-ended questions might include:

• “How did you like that?”
• “How did that make you feel?”
• “What did you think when that happened?”
• “What are chores that should/could be done in our family?”
• “Considering all of the activities that typically take place after school, when is the best time for you to do homework?”

Listen to your child’s/teen’s responses with agreement and validate their feelings. For example, “I can see why that would make you upset.” Reflect what you heard. “Let me be sure I got everything you are saying…” (repeat back what you heard them say). Give space for them to complete their thoughts, to add more details, or correct your interpretation of what was said. Getting input is an opportunity to explore an issue or topic together and to navigate the conversation collaboratively.

Another way of getting input is to engage with your child/teen around an activity such as going for a walk or doing a craft to encourage conversation and input, rather than directly asking them questions. Your child/teen may share more when the focus is not on what you are expecting them to say. An activity can also provide opportunities for your child/teen to share in their own time.

When asking for your child’s/teen’s input, they may not know exactly what to say or how to engage with you. That’s okay. Be patient and give your child/teen time to process the information, reflect, and respond. This may mean coming back to the conversation later in the week. It is important not to push your child/teen to share before they are ready. It is also important not to talk too much or teach too soon. Getting input takes time. Allow space for thinking, reflecting, and sharing their thoughts. Some parents or those in a parenting role find it helpful to journal back and forth with their child/teen as they explore an issue. Having time to write takes away any pressure to respond in the moment and allows for deeper processing.

Your child/teen might respond to you with a question. Instead of immediately jumping in with an answer, give your child/teen time to think. If your child/teen is old enough, answer their questions with questions like: “That’s a great question. What do you think?” or “How would you answer that?”

Step 2 Teach New Skills

What

The second step in the parenting process is: Teach.

The purpose of this step is to demonstrate how to do a task successfully. Teaching also conveys the purpose of doing a task or engaging in an issue. Teaching equips your child/teen with knowledge and skills.

Why

Teaching is important for several reasons.

Teaching builds your child’s/teen’s capacity and sets them up for success. Teaching helps your child/teen learn at every age what your expectations are. Further, teaching helps your child/teen to learn about what is acceptable behavior. Through teaching, your child/teen learns how to interact in the world, in different situations, and with a variety of different people. Through everyday interactions, you are building your child’s/teen’s capacity and setting them up for success.

Teaching builds social and emotional skills. Teaching builds your child’s/teen’s perspective taking, empathy, and respect for others. Teaching also grows problem-solving skills, communication skills, and teamwork. These skills are practiced and strengthened through the teaching process.

Teaching helps you as well. Teaching provides a platform to discuss your expectations and to demonstrate to your child/teen what quality looks like. Teaching helps establish standards for how to do a specific task. Further, teaching provides an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for not doing the behavior/task. Step 2: Teaching, also builds your social and emotional skills including clear communication, listening, and perspective taking.

How

There are many ways to engage in Step 2: Teach. Three approaches parents or those in a parenting role can take to teach include: Demonstrate, Connect and Label, and Model.

Demonstrate. Teaching happens through demonstration. Demonstrating a skill or a specific behavior can help your child/teen visualize what you are asking them to do.

When teaching a new skill, it is important to be explicit about the skills you are teaching and your expectations for behavior. For example, if you are teaching your child/teen about being a good friend, it is important to explore with your child/teen what “being a good friend” looks like. If you are teaching them to “follow directions,” discuss what “following directions” looks like. Explore specific behaviors that would demonstrate what you mean by “following directions.” If your child is old enough, talk about why they think these expectations are in place. Demonstrating a behavior or skill allows you to show what quality looks like and provides an opportunity to establish expectations and standards.

Connect and Label. When teaching a new skill or behavior, it is helpful to connect the skill or behavior to something your child/teen already knows.⁴ Labeling the new information is one way to build onto what your child already knows.⁴ Labeling “capitalizes on the brain’s natural desire to label, sequence and define” (p. 91).⁴ Also, when you use a label for the skills you are teaching, it becomes easier to name it again when your child demonstrates the skill at a different time. This way you are building a shared vocabulary of what you are looking for in your child’s behavior.

For parents or those in a parenting role, cultivate a learning mindset. You could say, “Remember that time you did do it even when you thought you couldn’t?” or “That reminds me of when you practiced learning to ride your bike. You fell off but were determined to get back up and try again.” Help them connect their skills and behaviors to what they already know.

Model. Statements like: “Practice what you preach” and “Actions speak louder than words” are common phrases that refer to modeling (p. 38).⁴ As a parent or those in a parenting role, you are always modeling behavior for your child/teen. Your child will develop skills to deal with situations and regulate their own behaviors and emotions through what they see. What you say and what you do are powerful forms of teaching. Modeling skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools.

You could say, “I would love to show you how to do this. Now, can you tell me what you saw me do?” or “Whenever approaching a task like this, there are a few things to do and a few things to avoid. What do you think they are?”

Regardless of age, your child’s/teen’s brain is constantly processing information. When teaching, it is important to focus on what you do want your child/teen to do, instead of what you don’t want them to do. Directing your child’s/teen’s focus to what you do want can help them focus their attention.⁵ The words you choose are important.

Children: Rather than saying “Don’t hit,” say, “Use gentle hands.” Or, instead of saying “No talking,” say, “Let’s use our listening ears.” Or, instead of saying “Don’t get close to the busy street,” say, “Walk on this side of the sidewalk.”

Teens: Rather than saying “Don’t be late,” say, “Please be on time.”

Because you are always modeling behaviors for your child/teen, paying attention to your own emotional regulation with others and around your child when dealing with difficult situations, disappointment, or conflict is important. It is okay to have strong emotions, to be frustrated, stressed, or angry, but always remember that you are modeling those behaviors for your child as well. Ask yourself: “Am I showing my child how to appropriately deal with a difficult situation, a disappointment, or a conflict? Would the behaviors I am displaying be acceptable to me if I saw my child engaging in these same behaviors?” It is healthy to take your own break to breathe and calm down. Not only does this help you to respond to the situation in an appropriate way, but it models calm down strategies for your child. If you do respond in a way that you would not like your child to repeat, talk openly about what happened, repair harm when appropriate, and discuss how you would like to handle a similar situation in the future.

Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

What

The third step in the parenting process is: Practice. Practice is creating opportunities to try what they are learning. Children/teens learn by doing, applying what they learn, failing, redoing, and repeating the process. Through practice, your child/teen can grow their skills.

Why

Practice is beneficial for several reasons.

Practice builds your child’s/teen’s capacity to learn and improve. Practice provides opportunities for your child at every age to demonstrate that they understand and can apply learning to the situation. Based on practice, your child/teen acquires new learning, which allows them to get better at the task or skill.

Practice grows habits. When you practice a skill, your brain changes to make the neurons that are involved in that skill run more efficiently. This is done by laying fat deposits on the neural system related to the skill – like insulation on an electrical cable. The more insulation, the faster the skill can be reproduced.⁴

Practice grows social and emotional skills. Through practice, your child is growing social and emotional skills. For example, practicing a skill or behavior allows your child/teen to make decisions, evaluate their performance, and reflect on the consequences of their actions. In a safe environment, practice allows your child/teen to identify problems and find solutions, which builds self-confidence and self-efficacy.

Practice supports a growth mindset and provides opportunities to handle feedback and mistakes. Feedback can be hard to hear, but it is a part of everyday life. Practice builds skills in how to handle failure/mistakes and how to regulate emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in different situations. Practice provides opportunities for self-discipline and self-motivation. It also provides opportunities for goal setting.

Practice helps you as well. Practice is important for your child/teen and important for you. Step 3: Practice, provides opportunities to offer guidance and provide direction to your child or teen. Through practice, parents or those in a parenting role can continue to establish standards and expectations. Providing opportunities allows you to practice self-management skills like regulating emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Practice provides opportunities for exercising self-discipline.

How

It is important to create opportunities for your child or teen to practice the behavior or skill. It is equally important to create an environment where it is okay to fail. When children/teens have the chance to fail in a safe environment with support, they learn that mistakes are a chance to grow. Rather than fearing failure, they learn problem solving skills and build resilience to face challenges. Practicing any new skill or behavior takes some risk on your child’s/teen’s part. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can reassure your child/teen that it is okay to practice and not to perform perfectly the first few times.

Children: Making sure there are times and opportunities to practice builds success. For example, you might intentionally schedule unstructured activities for your child to interact with other children. Scheduling playdates with other children of similar age can provide opportunities for your child to interact and practice new skills like sharing and communication. Playdates also offer opportunities for you to share with them how to regulate feelings like disappointment, anger, and sadness. Depending on the age of your child, it may be helpful to engage in cooperative problem solving about challenges or barriers they come across. You could say, “So, before you try that, what are the two things you will remember?” or “Let’s try that together.”

Hang in there! Practice is an ongoing process that takes a lot of patience. Taking the time to explain why the skill your child is working on is important or useful helps your child to think more critically in general about their actions. You could try creating stories or explanations to make the skill practice more memorable.

Teens: Allowing your teen to take steps to meet their big challenges and take responsibility for their own relationships – even when you know you could do it faster and better is essential to their success. Give them an opportunity to practice and avoid offering direct solutions or solving a problem for your teen. You could say, “What’s your plan for checking in tonight while you are out?” or “I’d love for you to make breakfast that has your own flair,” or “Remember our next step? What is it?” Teens grow through challenges, mistakes, and failures. Making the most of these learning opportunities to support emotional regulation and problem solving while your teen is still at home, sets them up for facing challenges and making positive choices as young adults.

Step 4 Support Development and Success

What

The fourth step in the parenting process is: Support.

For parents or those in a parenting role, support can include: coaching, providing feedback, reteaching, monitoring, re-evaluating, following through/applying logical consequences, and reflecting.

Why

Providing support for your child/teen when learning new skills and behaviors is important for several reasons.

Support grows cause and effect thinking. Providing coaching and feedback allows your child/teen to pause and evaluate the situation as well as the impact of their actions.

Support reinforces your child’s/teen’s ability to be successful. It helps guide your child/teen toward the expectations you have and allows your child/teen to understand what you want to see more of and less of when engaging in a skill. When your child/teen practices a new behavior, you can support positive behaviors and reteach and model changes that need to be made.

Support grows social and emotional skills. Support provides opportunities for your child/teen to evaluate the consequences of various actions, helps your child/teen develop cause and effect thinking, and builds responsibility. Support helps your child/teen recognize and seek out resources, so they can be successful.

Support grows social and emotional skills for parents or those in a parenting role as well. Support allows parents or those in a parenting role to practice coaching, communicating clearly, and listening. Support provides a mechanism for applying consequences and follow through for your child/teen. Support provides an opportunity for evaluating, reflecting, and learning.

How

For parents or those in a parenting role, support includes reinforcing their ability to be successful and helping them grow their skills.

Provide feedback and coaching. Provide feedback and coaching about what your child/teen did by asking them to evaluate what went well and what they could do better. Your child/teen might need some help learning how to evaluate their own performance. Rather than “It didn’t work” or “I just can’t do it,” ask your child/teen to talk about what didn’t work and how they could do it differently. “If you had to redo that, what would you do differently?”

Reteach and model any changes that need to be made. It is important to support your child’s/teen’s social and emotional development without taking over. Communicate behavioral expectations and let your child/teen know in advance before transitions occur. For example, let your child know how long you will spend at the park, and before it is time to leave, let your child know how many minutes they have to start transitioning. This might sound like, “We have five minutes before we leave; let’s start wrapping up.”

Provide reminders to your child and communicate agreed upon rewards and consequences. Reminding your child/teen can be helpful. For example, before a school drop off, remind them to “Use your listening ears,” or “Be a good friend today,” etc. Remind your teen to “Take deep breaths and remind yourself you are prepared before your test today”. Stay engaged. Don’t lose track of what you asked your child/teen to do. If you don’t follow through, they may think that it isn’t important.

Always connect then correct and affirm before you redirect. When you connect with your child/teen first, it helps them be more receptive to any correction from you. For example, if your child has made a big mess, start with “You look like you’re having so much fun” before saying “Clean up.” If your child really wants your attention and you are busy, say, “I know you have something so important to tell me, and I really want to hear it, so give me two minutes to finish up, and I will be ready.” If your teen comes home later than the agreed upon time, start with “I am so thankful you are home safely” before discussing consequences of the late arrival.

Allow your child/teen to practice the new skill and support their learning. Avoid taking responsibility for their disappointments, focusing on “fixing” them, or absorbing their challenges. These behaviors can hinder their ability to develop skills to regulate their own social and emotional progress.

Reinforce their behavior by acknowledging the behaviors you want to see! Avoid only focusing on when they mess up. “I love how you just slowed down right then and thought through your response. What made you do that?”

Apply logical consequences, communicate your expectations, and guide your child to repair harm when needed. The way you apply logical consequences will change depending on the age of your child/teen. Applying logical consequences is appropriate for children ages two and older. When parenting infants, they are at a developmental stage where strategies like redirection are more appropriate.

On a typical day, a child’s/teen’s behavior or action may result in a natural consequence. Natural consequences are those that happen naturally as a result of a child’s/teen’s choice or action without any intervention from a parent or those in a parenting role. As an example, a child isn’t paying attention at the dinner table and tips over a glass of milk. The natural consequence is that their clothes are wet from the spilled milk.

In addition to a natural consequence, there may be times that you, as a parent or those in a parenting role, need to set a logical consequence in response to your child’s/een’s behavior or action. Logical consequences are those that are set by you and are related to your child’s/teen’s behavior. Logical consequences are not a parent-invented punishment for a poor choice. Instead, they are consequences that are tied to a behavior and allow for a teachable moment. Logical consequences can provide the opportunity to teach your child/teen that choices have an impact not only on themselves but also on others and the environment around them.

When you, as a parent or those in a parenting role, allow for natural consequences to take place without rescuing your child/teen or imposing or inventing new consequences that may not naturally occur and then follow up with logical consequences and guidance to repair harm, you are offering opportunities for learning and building your child’s/teen’s skills.

First, reflect on your child’s/teen’s unsafe or inappropriate choice and the natural consequences and real world outcomes of your child’s/teen’s behavior. For example, “How do you think your friend feels? Do you think she feels angry?” Second, communicate your expectations about your child’s/teen’s behavior. You could say, “Hurting others with rumors and mean words is not acceptable.” Third, help your child/teen to repair harm. For example, discuss ways to take responsibility for their mean words such as apologizing and repairing the harm they caused. Often children’s/teen’s behaviors are not done out of defiance, but there may be other underlying causes. Consider the motivation for their behavior. Be sure to take the time necessary to listen to your child/teen. Create a safe, non-judgmental, and supportive place for your child/teen to share. Remember, each time your child/teen chooses an unsafe or inappropriate behavior is an opportunity to teach a vital life skill – taking responsibility for their behavior. Applying logical consequences is an opportunity to support your child/teen in growing these skills.

Step 5 Recognize Efforts

What

The fifth and final step in the parenting process is: Recognize. It means to intentionally recognize and positively reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts and successes. No matter how small those successes are, acknowledging them is important.

There are many ways you can reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three different types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s/teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You talked with your classmate about what was bothering you — love seeing that!” Recognition can also include nonverbal cues such as a fist bump, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child/teen knows what to expect like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen to progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Why

While it can be easy to only focus attention on whether or not your child/teen completes a specific task, acknowledging or rewarding the small steps they take and the progress they make is important. Children at every age love to hear that they are making choices that please you. After all, your recognition and positive reinforcement can go a long way to promoting more of the same desired behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s sense of competence and responsibility.

Recognition and positive reinforcement grows motivation. Recognition encourages your child to keep trying and grows motivation for them to continue improving. Recognition supports your child’s desire to succeed.⁴

When providing recognition be sure that:

• The recognition or acknowledgment is honest and sincere (you must mean it).
• The recognition focuses on your child’s/teen’s effort, the process they engaged in, or other aspects of their behavior that are controllable (Recognize behavior, not characteristics – say “You did such a great job thinking through that problem.” Don’t say – “You’re so smart”).
• The recognition leads your child to believe they have a choice in doing the task (e.g., “You could have chosen to quit and yet you kept going; that’s excellent and shows so much dedication”).
• The recognition focuses on competence and builds their belief in their ability to perform the task (“I am really impressed with your skills at…”).
• The recognition weaves in meeting expectations or standards (e.g., “You did that like a pro”).⁶

Recognition builds self-confidence and self-esteem.

Recognition grows social and emotional skills. Specifically, recognizing success and your child’s progress supports skills in setting and working toward goals. It increases internal motivation and bolsters self-management skills such as persistence and self-awareness.

Recognition is important for parents or those in a parenting role as well. Recognition helps build a positive relationship with your child, fosters a sense of optimism, and helps develop and maintain a growth mindset, which helps you believe that change is possible.

Rewards are a tool to reinforce positive behaviors or extinguish undesired behaviors.

When providing recognition be sure that:

• The reward is predetermined and concrete and is given soon after the positive behavior in order to promote behavior change in your child/teen.
• The reward is motivating to your child/teen. Gaining their input ahead of time is beneficial. “If you work hard to complete your chores today, what would you like to earn?”
• The reward may be something tangible, such as an ice cream, or it may be an experience, such as a family bike ride.
• Explain the reward with cause and effect in mind. “If you complete your bedtime routine on time, we will have enough time to read an extra story together before bed.” or “If you text me once you arrive at your friend’s house and let me know a parent is home, you may stay 30 minutes later.”

How

Recognizing doesn’t have to take a lot of time, be a big deal, or be expensive. Acknowledging effort in small ways makes a big difference. Recognizing doesn’t mean letting your child off the hook from doing what was asked. Your expectations for a task or behavior don’t have to change. There are many ways to recognize. Recognizing is most effective when it is done as soon as the event/skill/behavior occurs as possible so that your child associates their positive behavior with the recognition. Putting off recognizing until later won’t provide the same impact.

When recognizing, focus on your child’s effort and be specific. For example, “You did a great job taking out the trash” is an effort-based recognition. The recognition is anchored to the action or effort of your child. Effort-based recognitions are important at every age, because they help your child/teen see the link between effort and success. This is important because they have control over their own effort.

Avoid trait-based recognitions, which focus on the personality traits or characteristics of your child. For example, “You’re a good kid because you took out the trash” is a trait-based recognition. In this example, taking out the trash is tied to the child’s personality. Although this type of recognition is well intended, it can mistakenly send your child the message that if they don’t take out the trash, they are not a good kid.

Recognitions can be simple, specific, and honest. Recognize effort, quality, and small successes.

Acknowledge your child’s/teen’s effort. Even if your child/teen did not meet the goal or intended outcome, seek to recognize their effort.

For parents or those in a parenting role, you could say:

• “I can see that you put a lot of effort into deciding how to handle that situation.”
• “I like how you played together as a team.”
• “I like how you kept trying even though it was difficult.”
• “I am so impressed with your problem solving on this issue!”
• “I love that you went back and tried it again.”

Acknowledge the quality of your child’s/teen’s effort. Examples include:

• “I know this is tough, and I appreciate how hard you are trying right now.”
• “Wow, the plan you made was really detailed.”
• “I can tell you took your time in creating that plan.”

Look for small successes. There may be many steps required for your child/teen to reach an intended outcome. Single out a small step that your child/teen engaged in as they made progress toward the outcome.

For parents or those in a parenting role you could say:

• “Great job completing the first step of that project.”
• “You tackled the first section well.”
• “I like how you asked for help and didn’t quit.”
• “It was a good idea to organize the art supplies that way.”
• “I could tell that you thought it through well.”

Provide special one-on-one time with you.

Find a time, maybe before your other children wake up or after your other children go to bed, when you can spend time doing whatever your child/teen wants to do with you to celebrate an accomplishment. This special time doesn’t have to be lengthy (10 minutes or so); it just has to be dedicated to your child/teen.

When appropriate (for children/teens) adjust responsibilities. When appropriate, you might decide to adjust your expectations or your child’s responsibilities. For example, instead of having your child’s curfew at 10pm, you could adjust it to 11pm.

Rewards do not require money or a lot of time. For example, make a plan with your child/teen that if their homework is finished at the agreed upon time, they could decide what they would like to help you make for dinner.

Build celebrations into your routine. Include hugs, high fives, and fist bumps into your repertoire. Write a personal note and leave it for your child/teen to find. Send a spontaneous text to your teen to let them know you appreciate them. Get outside and spend time doing something fun together (go for a walk or bike ride, go to the park, kick a soccer ball around).

Share your child’s accomplishments with others. In the presence of your child/teen, share their success with grandparents, family, friends, aunts, and uncles.

Closing

The parenting process has wide application for a variety of topics and challenges. As a parent, or those in a parenting role, you can intentionally engage in this process to build your child’s/teen’s social and emotional skills at every age and to build your own skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role. The parenting process is a way of interacting with your child/teen that creates wonderful opportunities for learning. Even though this process may feel uncomfortable at first, sticking with it will pay off in a stronger relationship with your child/teen. Start small, start slow, and build your skills over time.