Intentional Ways to Grow a Healthy Parenting Relationship

Introduction

As a parent, or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. You are the most important influence in your child’s/teen’s life. Intentional parenting is an approach where you use strategies to build a healthy parent-child relationship. A healthy parent-child relationship provides opportunities for you and your child/teen to learn and practice social and emotional skills. Social and emotional skills are important because they are linked to significant positive outcomes throughout life, such as

• academic achievement,
• improved relationships,
• higher pay at work, and
• greater emotional wellbeing.^1,2,3

Social and emotional skills also serve to protect against negative outcomes such as

• conduct problems, and
• emotional distress.^1,2

Your parenting approach changes as your child ages. It requires different strategies, different limits, and different styles of guidance and discipline. However, regardless of the age of your child or how you have parented in the past, intentional parenting has something to offer you. This document is divided into three parts detailing intentional parenting.

First, intentional parenting is defined in detail.

Next, reasons why using intentional parenting is important are provided.

Finally, examples of how to use intentional parenting are described.

What Is Intentional Parenting?

Intentional parenting is an approach to developing safe, stable, and nurturing parent-child relationships. Through intentional parenting, parents and those in a parenting role grow strong social and emotional skills in their children/teens. The intentional parenting approach relies on brain science to provide you ways to stay present and involved with your child/teen. Using the approach provides consistent structure and guidelines within which your child/teen can find their own way. Intentional parenting uses intentional communication to tackle hard problems in a way that strengthens the parent-child relationship.

Why Is Intentional Parenting Important?

Research on parenting suggests that when you as a parent or those in a parenting role engage in certain behaviors, it produces positive results and supports healthy development in your child.⁴ Intentional parenting is centered around engaging in these types of parenting behaviors which include

• being responsive and involved,
• demonstrating authority while supporting autonomy,
• having consistent and predictable rules, and
• communicating in a way that creates the warmth and safety needed to have tough conversations.

When these parenting behaviors are not present or when parenting is harsh and controlling, research indicates that children have negative outcomes such as

• lowered emotional wellbeing and
• lack of academic achievement.⁵

Studies show that when children/teens experience things such as harsh or abusive parenting or being in an unsafe environment, it has a negative impact on their brain development. This can result in mental, physical, and behavioral issues in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.⁶

Intentional parenting can help you and your child develop social and emotional skills. Put simply, social and emotional skills include

• understanding, managing, and knowing oneself;
• relating to others; and
• making responsible choices based on self and others.

Social and emotional skills also serve to buffer against negative outcomes such as conduct problems and emotional distress.^7,8

How Do I Do Intentional Parenting?

Intentional parenting means doing things with your child/teen that will support them. This includes

• being involved,
• being consistent and predictable,
• providing guidelines within which your child/teen can find their own way as they develop skills and solidify values, and
• practicing intentional communication.

By engaging in these behaviors, you can build relationships with your child/teen that form the foundation for their development. Strong, supportive, safe relationships help grow your child’s/teen’s brain, support resilience, and create the conditions for future success and independence.

Be Involved

The research on parental involvement suggests that when you as a parent or those in a parenting role are involved with your child/teen, they are better able to

• manage stress,
• improve academic achievement,
• improve self-regulation, and
• enhance mental health.⁹

Through parental involvement, you can create a safe, stable, and nurturing relationship with your child/teen. Every moment you spend with your child/teen offers a chance to build your relationship with them. Being involved models how to engage in a relationship and provides your child/teen a clear message that they matter. Some ways to be involved include doing things together, being around your child/teen in their environment as well as bringing your child/teen into your environment, and being present and available when needed.

Do Things Together

Sometimes your child/teen may share more honestly about their thoughts and feelings while they are occupied doing other things. When you are engaged doing age-appropriate things together, there is space to have conversations.

Be Around Your Child in Your Child’s Environment and Bring Your Child Into Your Environment

Find opportunities to be around your child/teen in their environment. For example,

• pretend play together,
• volunteer in their classroom,
• help your child/teen prepare for a test at school, or
• offer to listen as they practice their musical instrument.

Also, find opportunities to bring your child/teen into your environment. For example,

• have them help you make cookies or water the flowers,
• participate in chores you normally do like grocery shopping, or
• take them to a class you participate in or a hobby you like to do.

Involving your child/teen in your world helps foster mutual respect.

Be Present

Sometimes just being available is enough. It sends the message that you are there if they need you. Keep talking to your child/teen and checking in with them regularly. It might take a few tries to get your child/teen to talk, but you will learn valuable information about your child/teen by being available and engaging them in conversations. Anything they say is an opportunity for learning and for instilling values. Maintain intentional communication with your child/teen. Follow-up with them on how their day went especially if they experience a success or are navigating a challenge. For example, if your child/teen was nervous about inviting a new friend to sit together at lunch, ask how it went and support further problem solving if needed.

Be Consistent and Predictable

Consistency and predictability send a clear message regarding expectations. Clear rules and expectations that are consistently followed reduce anxiety in children because they know what to expect. Research suggests that consistent and predictable relationships between parents and children reduce negative effects of difficult childhood experiences. They can also serve to buffer against mental and physical problems in adolescence and adulthood.¹⁰ Establishing routines (e.g., morning time, reading time, dinner time) and responding consistently to behavior can foster predictability. For example, do not allow a behavior one day and overreact the next day for the same behavior. Being able to predict how you will respond has a calming effect on your child’s brain.

Provide Opportunities Within Which Your Child Can Find Their Own Way

The opportunities you provide your child/teen form the foundation where they get to practice making choices. This allows your child/teen to develop their sense of ownership, it sends the message that you respect them, and it develops their problem-solving skills. The way you provide guidelines will vary based on the age of your child.

For a young child, the guidelines might sound like providing two choices, both of which you are comfortable with, such as, “Would you like to start cleaning up now or after your bath?” or “Would you like to drink water or milk?”

For an older child/teen, guidelines are boundaries not step-by-step instructions. For example, you may say to your teen, “I know that you are looking forward to the dance this weekend, let’s talk about your plans and how you will let me know that you are safe that night.”

Be available if your child/teen needs help figuring out the steps, but allow your child/teen to find their way within the guidelines you have provided. You want your child/teen to problem solve, because it is in the problem solving process that they learn that you can provide support and ideas. It grows independence and responsible decision making. This strategy aligns closely with being present, so you can step in and problem solve with them as they need help. Your child/teen learns to communicate and negotiate with you in this process. When your boundaries are clear and your expectations are high, your child/teen will respond positively, and this will reflect in their academic achievement.¹¹

Practice Intentional Communication

Intentional communication helps develop social and emotional skills. Intentional communication provides opportunities to grow thoughtful interactions between you and your child/teen. Intentional communication grows the brain by creating a safe space for learning. It encourages curiosity from your child/teen and allows them to freely explore. Intentional communication teaches and models an effective communication approach that can be applied to many areas of your life and your child’s life. These skills can be used at school, work, with friends, in disagreements, and in talking with others. Intentional communication gives your child/teen a sense of ownership in the conversation because it is more meaningful to them. Intentional communication is about “talking with” instead of “talking to.”

Closing

Intentional parenting is an approach to parenting that fosters safe, stable, and nurturing parent-child relationships. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you are essential to your child’s/teen’s success, and you are instrumental in shaping their development. When you practice intentional parenting, you can adjust your strategies to meet the developmental needs of your child/teen. You can develop your child’s/teen’s social and emotional skills no matter what age they are. Regardless of your child’s age, now is the time to be involved. You make a difference now and into your child’s/teen’s future!