Introduction
If you are worried that your child/teen may be drinking alcohol, don’t panic. There are many resources available to help. Let’s explore the signs and symptoms of alcohol use, ways to talk with your child/teen about concerns, and options you have for getting your child/teen help.
Signs and Symptoms of a Problem1
There are several warning signs that your child/teen may be drinking, and these signs can be divided into three categories: physical, behavioral, and psychological.
Physical signs:
- Bloodshot eyes
- Change in eating or sleeping patterns
- Change in or not caring about physical appearance
- Shakes or tremors, particularly in the morning
- Unusual body odor
- Injuries or bruises
Behavioral signs:
- Change in behavior at school – missing school, skipping class, slipping grades
- Change in behavior at home – arguing, isolating, withdrawing
- Using mouthwash, candles, or incense to cover up smells
- Sudden change in peers or a switch in where they hang out and what they do
- Money or valuables missing
- Hiding from you, locking doors, or being secretive
Psychological signs:
- Moody, irritable, or easily angered
- Change in personality
- Change in level of motivation – seems spacey, unmotivated, or lethargic
- Prone to paranoia
- Appears withdrawn or depressed
What Do I Do First?
Start by having a conversation with your child/teen. If you are worried that your child/teen is drinking, prepare for this conversation so that you do not enter the conversation panicked, anxious, or angry. If you are angry and upset, your child/teen will react and get defensive. Remember that the goal of your conversation is to gather information, listen to your child/teen, and to share your concerns. The strategies for intentional communication will come in handy during this conversation.
- Make sure you have enough time set aside for this conversation, so it is not rushed or interrupted.
- Set the stage for the conversation by starting with an open question to gather information. It might be something like, “I have noticed that you have been quiet and sad lately. I worry when you don’t seem your usual self. What’s been going on?” You could also follow up with, “Catch me up a little bit about how things have been going.”
- If your child/teen responds with “Nothing” or something equally uninformative, you could say, “Unfortunately, when you don’t tell me anything, I am left assuming things and creating scenarios in my head, but you can help me sort out the truth.”
- You could start the conversation about alcohol with curiosity and willingness to learn from your child/teen. That might sound something like, “Tell me what you think about alcohol.” Then, share your concerns about teen alcohol use.
- You could start the conversation with a direct approach regarding alcohol. That might sound something like, “What are some of the stories you hear about drinking at school?”
- Let your child/teen know that you are there as support and to provide whatever help and resources your child/teen may need.
- Several short discussions held frequently versus a one-shot, one-hour conversation will have lasting “sticking” impact over time (meaning: multiple, ongoing conversations/dialogues are more effective – not a once and done approach).
Now What?
There are generally two outcomes that result from having a conversation with your child/teen about alcohol. One outcome is that you as a parent or one in a parenting role feel better and are reassured that your child/teen is not drinking. The other outcome is that you are still concerned. Let’s explore both outcomes and discuss strategies that can help in both situations.
I Have Talked With My Child/Teen, and I Am Reassured That My Child/Teen Is Not Drinking Alcohol.
Even if you are reassured that your child/teen is not drinking alcohol, it is still important to assure your child/teen that you are available should they have questions about alcohol use or concerns about a friend who may be drinking alcohol. It is also important to reinforce to your child/teen that if they are ever in a situation where they have had too much to drink, you are available to go and pick them up or arrange a ride for them.
Affirm your child’s/teen’s behavior to not engage in drinking.
The conversation opener might sound like: “I’m so glad we can have these conversations, and I appreciate you being truthful with me. I am also glad that you have made the choice not to drink alcohol.”
Invite your child/teen to engage with you in conversation in the future if they have a friend they are concerned about or if they make the choice at any point to drink alcohol.
These conversation openers may look something like this:
- “You should be proud of the choices you’ve made. I know that the pressure to drink alcohol at your age can be intense. Tell me a little more about what you know about your friends’ use of alcohol.”
- “You should be proud of the choices you’ve made. It can be hard when your friends are drinking alcohol, and you decide you’re not going to. Please know that in the future, if at any point you decide to drink alcohol, please don’t drive. Call me and I will come get you to keep you safe.“
- In this situation, it would be valuable to follow up with your teen the next day (or in a few days) when you feel they are open to talking. You may choose to apply logical consequences.
I Have Talked With My Child/Teen, and I Am Still Concerned That My Child/Teen Is Drinking…
…And My Child/Teen Is Concerned as Well.
It is scary to realize that your child/teen might have a problem with alcohol or may be struggling with issues that make them vulnerable to alcohol or drug use. Often, parents or those in a parenting role believe that their child’s/teen’s behavior is a reflection on them and their parenting. This can lead to parents or those in a parenting role wanting to deny that a problem exists and sweep the problem under the rug.
As difficult as it can be, it is important to have these tough conversations with your child/teen. It is also important to remind your child/teen that, according to your household rules, underage drinking is not permissible or tolerated. Work to withhold judgment and anger about your child’s/teen’s choices, keep your questions open ended (avoid questions that only allow for “yes” or “no” answers), and be comfortable with silence as you and your child/teen process this conversation.
Possible conversation openers include:
- “I really appreciate your willingness to be honest with me. That takes a lot of courage. I am concerned about your alcohol use, and it sounds like you might be concerned as well. Tell me more about some of your concerns.”
- “It sounds like we are both concerned about your alcohol use. Not only is it illegal under the age of 21 and not permitted in our household, drinking at your age can have serious consequences.How can we work together to make some changes around this behavior?”
- “It sounds like you are wanting to stop using alcohol. That is what I want for you too. Let’s talk about some ways that you can stop drinking and how I can support you.”
- “I appreciate these conversations with you. I know that choosing to not drink alcohol can be challenging, especially if your friends are choosing to drink alcohol. What are some of the ways you have said no to alcohol in the past? Let’s talk about those and we can brainstorm some other ways that might help too.
…But My Child/Teen Is Not Concerned.
Unfortunately, if a child/teen is on the path to developing a problem with alcohol use, the likelihood that they will just grow out of it is low. Without intervention, the problem continues to worsen. It is not because your child/teen is not strong enough or doesn’t have the will power. It is because of the impact that alcohol has on the brain that it is very difficult for your child/teen to quit on their own.
The earlier you intervene, the easier it will be for your child/teen to get back on track. Sometimes intervening is as simple as telling your child/teen that you are concerned and having an intentional conversation about what you are noticing. Other times intervening might involve getting professional help. Research suggests that when parents or those in a parenting role intervene and provide the child/teen with the support they need, they can reduce the likelihood that their child/teen develops a substance use disorder.2
Your child/teen may appear to deny that they have a problem with alcohol. Use language that expresses your concern while withholding judgment and anger about their choices. Avoid questions that will elicit only “yes” or “no” responses and be comfortable with silence as you and your child/teen process this conversation.
You may find that the conversation gets too difficult to continue at some point, and you or your child/teen needs to take a break. Be open to this and agree to continue the conversation at a specific future time if necessary. The conversation starters below assume some level of denial or resistance from your child.
The following possibilities take an empathetic, gentler approach:
- “I am really concerned about your drinking. I’ve noticed that you are…not keeping up with your school work like you used to…hanging out with different friends these days…not as patient with your little brother…Listen, I know it can be hard to stop and I am here to help. Let’s talk about what we need to do.”
- “I am really concerned about your drinking. Remember, I was your age once, and I know what it’s like to deal with pressure from friends and the stress of school and sports. I am here to support you and I am also responsible to keep you safe. Talk to me about what we can do to turn this behavior around.”
The following possibilities take a sterner approach for an ambivalent or resistant child/teen by asking the child/teen to consider the possible consequences of this choice or explore further what led them to this decision.
- “I am really concerned about your drinking. Not only is it illegal under the age of 21 and not permitted in our household, drinking at your age can have serious consequences. What kinds of things do you think can happen if you are caught drinking?”
- “I am really concerned about your drinking. Drinking alcohol under the age of 21 is not permitted in our household. Tell me more about what led you to use alcohol.”
Additional Support
Even if you and your child/teen are both concerned and committed to working on strategies to stop their use of alcohol, your child/teen might benefit from some extra help and support. Additionally, if your child/teen is not ready to acknowledge that their alcohol use is a problem, extra support can help encourage needed change. Help is available and treatment works.
To find help in your community:
- Your child’s/teen’s pediatrician or doctor can provide health-based educational information for your child/teen. They may be able to provide an assessment and brief counseling for your child/teen. Often doctors can also give information and referrals for additional counseling or treatment.
- Reach out to the counselor(s) at your child’s/teen’s school for recommendations and support. They can offer help to your child/teen during their school day and are often familiar with local resources that are useful.
- Call the National Helpline at 800-662-HELP (4357) for information on treatment and referrals.
- Find treatment resources using SAMHSA’s locator tool available at https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/
Closing
Remember that whatever your child/teen shares with you about why they decided to use alcohol, it was likely a valid choice in their mind. It is important to listen without judgment and communicate that this is not a legal choice for them at this age and that the behavior will need to stop.
Reassure your child/teen that you will support them in getting help to stop and remind them that you will also hold them accountable for stopping the behavior. Keep in mind that while the choice to drink may have been a result of peer pressure or the desire to “look cool,” drinking may also be a way for your child to manage deeper issues like depression, anxiety, or stress. Work with your child/teen to uncover the core issues and identify appropriate treatment to handle these issues in a healthy and appropriate manner.
