Friends for Your 10-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a paramount role in your child’s success. Helping your child to grow healthy friendships is imperative. Through relationships, your child develops a sense of belonging. They gain a better understanding of themselves through their daily interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers.

Children ages 5-10 are in the process of learning about themselves, their strengths, and their limitations. They are learning about why they feel the way they do and how they relate to others. This is also known as their self-awareness.¹ Whether your child is five or ten, friendships will become critical to their motivation to attend and work hard in school. Friendships will add to their sense of enjoyment and ability to play socially. Friendships will even affect their physical health, mental health, and wellbeing.

Yet, there are challenges. “She’s always staring at me. I must look weird. Or maybe she just hates me,” your nine-year-old may express. And, you may feel like these comments are suddenly coming out of nowhere. In fact, this is a normal, healthy step in your child’s development.

Learning how to connect with and care about others is essential for your child’s development. Learning how to support their growing friendships can help you feel more competent in your role as a parent or someone in a parenting role. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to prepare you to help your child through the ups and downs of growing healthy friendships.

Why Friends?

Your child’s ability to get along with others shapes their experiences at the park, in groups, and at school. You can offer them support as they exercise their increasing social awareness and relationship skills.

Today, in the short term, focusing on creating healthy friendships can create

• greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
• trust in each other that your child has the competence to manage their relationships; and
• a sense of wellbeing and motivation to engage with others.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self;
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making; and
• deepens family trust and intimacy.

Five Steps for Growing Healthy Friendships

This five-step process helps you support your child in developing healthy friendships. It also builds important skills in your child. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about friendships by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to friendships so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has the opportunity to become more aware of how they’re thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset is friendship related;
• can begin to formulate what it means to be a good friend;
• can think through and problem solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time; and
• will have more motivation and courage to try to make new friends.

Actions

• Engage your child in a conversation about friendship. You could ask:
• “How can you start new friendships?”
• “What does a good friend look like?”
• “What do you think it means to be a good friend?”
• “What would you like others to do to reach out to you?” (Do they want to be included in games or fun activities?) Then ask your child, “How can you enact those qualities and actions? How can you be the one to include others?”
• Practice actively listening to your child’s thoughts, feelings, and worries about friendships. Paraphrasing what you hear your child say can ensure you are fully understanding what your child is communicating. Paraphrasing is echoing back to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and also to confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward at first. But, this is an important way for you to check your own understanding while simultaneously teaching children how to listen for comprehension. A conversation might go something like this:

• Child: “I asked Micah today if he’d sit with me at lunch, and he just walked away and sat with another group.”
• Parent or those in a parenting role modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear that you asked Micah to sit with you at lunch, but he decided to sit with others.”
• If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect back the feeling implied. Parent reflecting feeling: “I get the sense you were surprised, hurt, and disappointed that he didn’t sit with you. Is that right?”
• Brainstorm together! Ask your child, “Who’s your favorite hero, book character, or movie character?” Now, list the many aspects that a hero might possess in being a good friend — “Are they kind? Do they help others? Do they accept others for who they are?”
• Use the books your child reads or the shows they watch to start conversations about friendship. When reading or watching a show together, ask about characters’ choices and how they might support a friendship or hurt a friendship. Ask open-ended questions (with no right or wrong answers) so that your child has the opportunity to consider what it means to be a good friend.
• Discuss the meaning of friendship as a whole family at dinner time. Include all family members’ perspectives as you talk about what you value in a friend, how you try to act as a good friend, and how you go about making new friends.

Social connections are vital to your child’s learning and development. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand the role of friendships in your child’s life and the challenges they may face.² Understanding your child’s developmental stages will also provide context for how you can best support them in their skill building.

• Five-year-olds have grand and vivid imaginations and can construct elaborate play themes. Because they are working hard to understand rules, those rules can facilitate play with peers. Some will “tattle” on peers when they do not get their way or see another break a rule. Rest assured, this is how five-year-olds internalize understanding the rules themselves — by attempting to enforce them with others. Five-year-olds may have a difficult time with turn taking and get into conflicts over toys. With limited attention spans, conflicts also tend not to last long.
• Six-year-olds can be ambitious and thrive on encouragement. They can be highly competitive with peers, which can lead them into dishonesty, bossyness, and becoming critical of others. Similar to five-year-olds, they are attempting to internalize their own social rules, and the criticism of others helps them define their own boundaries. However, kindness, connection, and inclusion are all important to emphasize at this age.
• Seven-year-olds need consistency and may worry more when schedules are chaotic and routines change. They can become extremely loyal to one friend or claim a “best friend.” Because friends will change (and perhaps rapidly), growing friendship skills and particularly staying kind to others amidst changes will help your child.
• Eight-year-olds’ interest and investment in friendships and peer approval elevates and becomes as important as the teacher’s approval. They are more skilled at cooperation and may form larger friendship groups. They are more resilient when they make mistakes. They have a greater social awareness of local and world issues so they may be concerned about the news or events outside of your community. Eight-year-olds are highly social and full of creative ideas.
• Nine-year-olds can be highly competitive and critical of themselves and others. They may worry about who is in the “in” and “out” crowds and where they fit in friendship groups. They may tend to exclude others in order to feel included in a group, so it’s a good time to encourage inclusion and kindness toward a diverse range of others. As they become more aware of their peers’ evaluation of them, they may become more concerned with their appearance and interests and change those or hide them to gain their peers’ approval.
• Ten-year-olds have an increased social awareness so that they can try to figure out the thoughts and feelings of others. There is much more of a give and take in friendships with listening, talking, and compromising. With their rising social awareness also comes a newfound worry about what peers are thinking of them (for example, “He’s staring at me. I think he doesn’t like me.”). Ten-year-olds tend to be able to work through conflicts and resolve fairness issues with friends more rapidly.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Model introductions for your child. Find chances in the grocery store or at the coffee shop during regular weekly activities when your child is with you to model introductions to people. Introduce yourself and your child.
  • You could say, “Hi. I come in here weekly and you’ve helped me many times. What is your name? It’s nice to meet you. This is my daughter, Amanda. She is a big help on shopping trips.”
  • You may take the opportunity on the car ride home to reflect on the introduction. You might ask, “What did you notice that I said to the woman at the store? Are there some classmates at school you might be able to introduce yourself to in a similar way?”³
• There’s always a first drop off at a new activity, a new grade level, or a new camp where parents or those in a parenting role are standing around saying goodbye to their children. These are ideal opportunities to begin making introductions. Introduce yourself and your child to other parents or those in a parenting role and other children. It can be as simple as shaking a hand and exchanging names. If this healthy risk makes you nervous, consider that it can be an important teaching tool to model for your child how to overcome their fears and reach out to connect with others.
• Learn together! When you start a friendship, going up to a stranger can be intimidating. Your child may prefer to stay in their comfort zone. Brainstorm ideas together of ways to start up a connection. Generating ideas can add to your child’s comfort level and may even boost their motivation to take that healthy risk. Here are a few ideas to add to your brainstorm list:
  • Find a common interest (sports, music, art, animals).
  • Find a difference and learn, such as, “I noticed you play the piano. I’ve never played. What do you like about it? I’d love to learn more.”
  • Offer a specific compliment. ”I love the detail you added to your painting. How did you get the colors to swirl like that?” No one can resist responding to a compliment. This can be a winning introduction!
  • Ask an opinion about something you are doing together, such as, “What did you think of science today? How did you feel after gym class?”
  • At recess ask, “Can I play that game with you?” or invite another child to join in a game. Look around for other students who look as if they may want someone to play with or a game to join to invite. Brainstorm ahead of time what your child can say or do if their peer’s answer is “no”. Ask your child for ideas first to start the brainstorm. Some ideas may include responding with, “It is important to be kind and include others”. Your child could also consider joining an activity with different children who are inclusive. Recess can be a highly stressful environment for children who haven’t found an activity to join. If your child continues to be excluded, it may be time to involve your child’s teacher or school counselor.
• Learn listening strategies together by trying them out. Listening for understanding and connection is a skill set that can be built over time with practice and support. Modeling is a great way to teach.
  • Actively listen. Try out active listening in which one person listens to fully understand what the speaker is saying and waits until the speaker is finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” Make eye contact and practice placing your full focus on the speaker.
  • Paraphrase. Paraphrasing is echoing back to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and also to confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. You might start, “I heard you say that…”
  • Seek clarification. Seeking clarification is something that you may do naturally. Particularly if you are listening with the intent to learn something from the speaker, seeking clarification on details is important to make certain you understand. Practice seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?”
  • Practice questioning and commenting with empathy. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own experiences, focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. For example, your child might say, “Today Mrs. Smith started a new project. We are going to be building fairy tree houses. I can’t wait.” Instead of responding with something like, “I know how to build birdhouses.,” which takes the focus away from your child, you might say, “Sounds like you are excited about this project. What ideas do you have for your house so far?” This empathetic pattern of speaking and listening requires practice. Your modeling will make a difference in your child’s comfort with this style of communication.⁴
• Children need to learn how to share and to converse. They need to learn what’s appropriate, what’s not, what’s too much, and what’s too little. This is why dialogue at family meals, on road trips, and after school are critical.
• Consider what your conversations typically look like when it comes to your child. Do your conversations typically relate to the logistics of life — like when you have to go to karate, who you are having over for dinner, or how long you can use electronics? If so, you might want to think about adding some additional topics to teach your child important conversation tools. For example, you could talk about interests, passions, or social connections. You could explore your child’s curiosities like how things work and what things mean.
• Whether your child is passionate about tigers or interested in bowling, get curious, ask questions, and discuss these interests. These simple conversations show your child how to share appropriately.
• Keep your questions or comments brief and engaging. When you are intentionally initiating a family conversation to teach your child how to appropriately share, ensure that it’s developmentally appropriate and something your child can replicate easily. For example, if you choose your child’s favorite topic, then challenge yourself to share only one or two sentences and ask a question. For example, “I love how you’ve organized your crafting supplies. Do you have a next project in mind?”
• When your child is in the uncomfortable position of disagreeing or arguing with another, it can be difficult to know how to respond in ways that won’t harm themself or others. That’s why teaching and practicing “I-messages” can help. This statement works effectively from partner to partner, from parent or those in a parenting role to child, and from child to child. Here’s an example: “I feel ________(insert feeling word) when you ________ (name the words or actions that upset you) because ______________.” This helps the individual take responsibility for their own role and feelings in the problem while constructively communicating what they are experiencing.
  • Here’s how it might sound if a parent or those in a parenting role is using it with a child: “I feel frustrated and angry when you keep playing and don’t seem like you are listening because I feel like you are ignoring me, and I believe what I have to say is important for both of us.” Gather a few stuffed friends or action figures around to teach this skill. Perhaps Luke Skywalker Lego Minifigure battles Darth Vader Lego Minifigure each day in your living room? Use that play interaction to teach an I-message. For example, Luke (you) might say “I feel upset when you slash at me with your lightsaber, because I don’t want to get hurt.”
• Follow up when your child makes mistakes to help them repair harm. Mistakes are a critical aspect of social learning. Plus, everyone has moments when they’ve hurt another. But, it’s that next step that they take that matters in repairing the friendship. Your child will need support and practice to repair their relationships.
• Find small opportunities to help your child mend relationships. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this. If there’s fighting, then talk to your child about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sister feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” Allow your child to supply answers, and you may be surprised at how many options they generate. Support and guide them to follow through selecting one and doing it.
• If you tell or even command your child to make an apology, how will they ever learn to genuinely apologize? In fact, apologizing or making things right should never be assigned as a punishment, doing so gives the adult control and robs the child of the opportunity to learn the skill and internalize the value of repairing harm. Instead, ask your child how they want to make up for the hurt they’ve caused and help them implement their idea.

Practice can take the form of pretend play, cooperatively working together, or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary in order for children to internalize new skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child works hard to perform the new action.

Actions

• Provide opportunities for your child to meet and interact with other children and adults of all ages, races, and cultures. Point out similarities and differences. Talk about how differences help you learn more about yourself and others.
• Use “Show me…” with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can listen at dinner without interrupting.” Set a goal for yourself to reintroduce one of the conversations or listening strategies you’ve taught to practice as a family at dinner.
• Recognize effort. Frequently, children get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” like, “I noticed how you used an I-message with your sister when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”
• Schedule playdates. Playdates can become invaluable practice for your child. Playdates build connections and help your child practice the skills you’ve taught them. When it comes to figuring out who to invite over and when, follow your child’s lead. Who does your child talk about at home? That’s a perfect place to begin.
• So that you can first get to know the parents who may host your child for a playdate in their home, schedule introductory playdates at a public space where everyone is on common ground like at a local park or playground. This provides the opportunities to model the skills of getting to know one another and also the chance to get to know their family values and address any other concerns you may have. This way you and your child will feel more comfortable and prepared for any future playdates at the new friend’s home.
• Discuss a few simple rules with your child in advance of a playdate. Instead of feeling like you have to highly supervise every moment of play, go over a few basic rules to set up your child and their friend for success. You might want to begin with saying, “Each family has different rules. Let’s figure out a few for our house that make the most sense. How about we play safely?” Then, talk about what playing safely means to you, for example, “We don’t climb on the furniture”. When the friend arrives, welcome them in, share your excitement for a great time, and then partner with your child to communicate those few rules you’ve discussed. You might say to your child, “Do you remember what we talked about to keep you both safe?”
• Proactively remind. A playdate might offer the perfect opportunity to remind your child, just before their friend arrives, of one skill or tool they might try out. You may whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember how to do an I-message?”

At this point, you’ve taught your child some new strategies for making friends and growing friendships so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child have difficulty with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to learn about your child’s free time at school and whether they are interacting with others. You could ask: “Did you sit with someone at lunch today? Who? What did you play during recess?”
• Learn about development. Each new age will present different social challenges. Becoming informed regularly about what developmental milestones your child is working toward will offer you empathy and patience and provide context for how you can best support them in their skill building.
• Reflect on outcomes to grow confidence. “Remember we met Sam together on your first day of school, and you are still hanging out with him? He’s become a good friend.”
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different friendship-building strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child when tough issues arise.
• Engage in further practice. Create more opportunities to practice when all is calm and it’s playtime.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement has a big impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worth your while to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your child’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three different types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You invited that child who was sitting quietly alone at lunch to join your table. I love hearing that!” Recognition can also include nonverbal acknowledgements such as a smile, high five, or hug.
Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child knows what to expect like “If you introduce yourself to someone at swimming lessons, we will stay and swim extra time after your lesson.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child to progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and your children are arguing. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to buy a sucker if the children will stop the arguing). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the important reinforcement that you see and value the choice your child has made. For example, when children show signs they’re using skills you’ve been working on, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you asked your friend about how they are feeling. Yes! Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like your child confidently engaging with peers they don’t know at the park – in order to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, if your child talks to a new classmate, offer a playdate or a simple after school snack together. If your child finds a way to help a friend feel better, recognize their effort. Include hugs, high fives, and special time together in your ways to appreciate one another.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and grows important skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making.