Confidence for Your 11-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s development and success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while growing confidence in your child to work toward their goals and succeed in school and life.

Confidence simply means self-belief. But from where does that belief come? It begins with a trusting relationship you work to cultivate with your child/teen. Your bond with your child/teen forms a solid foundation from which your child/teen can explore the world.

As children/teens develop their social and emotional skills, they also develop confidence. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can grow faith through your relationship with your child/teen and by helping your child/teen develop social and emotional skills. Confidence is impacted by:

• Self-awareness: your child’s/teen’s deepening sense of who they are, understanding their strengths and limitations.
• Self-management: your child’s/teen’s ability to manage their emotions constructively.
• Social awareness: your child’s/teen’s ability to see from another’s perspective and to empathize with others.
• Relationship skills: your child’s/teen’s ability to initiate, grow, and sustain healthy relationships with parents or those in a parenting role, teachers, friends, and more.
• Responsible decision making: your child’s/teen’s ability to reflect before choosing words or actions on the consequences not to cause harm.

Everyone faces challenges in growing confidence. “I can’t do it!” your child/teen may exclaim in frustration over math homework. While children/teens may get frustrated and upset with themselves, mistakes and failures are necessary for their learning and development. Confident children/teens are not perfect. They simply know how to learn from their mistakes with your guidance and support. Mistakes do not define who they are.

The key to many parenting challenges, like growing confidence, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Confidence?

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old confiding in you that they don’t feel ready for fifth grade, your twelve-year-old saying that they have no real friends, or your fourteen-year-old hiding homework to avoid facing it, establishing regular ways to grow a trusting connection along with teaching your child/teen vital skills will grow confidence.

Today, in the short term, growing confidence can create

• greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
• trust in each other, and
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage.

Tomorrow, in the long term, growing confidence in your child/teen

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self;
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and
• deepens family trust and intimacy.

Five Steps For Growing Confidence

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen grow confidence. It also grows necessary critical life skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child/teen thinking about growing confidence by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and
• will grow their self-control and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Consider what challenges your child’s/teen’s sense of confidence. Is it sports, school, making new friends, or keeping friends?

• Explore the issue by growing from success and strengths! Consider together what your child/teen is working on at school.
  • “Remember last year when you presented in front of the middle school? How did you feel at the start? In the middle? How did you feel when you finished and everyone applauded?”
  • “What helped you get through that learning challenge?”
• If your child/teen feels insecure in their friendships, ask critical questions about that specific issue to understand what’s challenging your child/teen.
  • “I know a lot is going on this year with your friends. Tell me a little bit about what some of the challenges are.”
  • “I’ve noticed you talk about this particular friend a lot. What makes her such a good friend to you? What do you appreciate about her?”

As a parent or those in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that children/teens are learning to perform everyday, typical tasks and about school subjects and how to be a good friend. Because of this learning, your child/teen will make mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their confidence. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child/teen is experiencing and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building. Here are some examples:

• Eleven-year-olds are better able to see from another person’s perspective. They also increase their worries about being liked and may exclude others to gain popularity.
• Twelve-year-olds may feel more confident. They’ll seek out risks, and peers will exert pressure and support.
• Thirteen-year-olds can have worries related to their newly acquired bodily changes. They can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. They may feel an ever greater sense of peer pressure.
• Fourteen-year-olds may act like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Cultivate a learning mindset. In addition to cultivating these essential skills that lead your child/teen to feel confident, there are beliefs and attitudes you can promote to contribute to your child’ s/teen’s belief in themself.
  • For example, when your child/teen says, “This is dumb,” you know your child/teen means “I can’t do it.” Respond with:
    • “I know things can feel frustrating when you first start.”
    • “I’m going to hang in there with you while you get through the challenging part.”
    • “You can learn anything with time, practice, and hard work.”
    • “You can meet or overcome any challenge with time, practice, and hard work.”
    • “Remember when you did it, even when you thought you couldn’t?”
  • Or, if your child/teen says, “The kids are horrible at school!” You can respond with:
    • “Sometimes what your friends do feels like it doesn’t make sense. How do you wish they would behave?”
    • “You know how to be a good friend (share specific examples). Your classmates will want to be friends with you because you are a good friend.”
  • Or, if your child/teen says, “You just don’t get it!” you can respond: “I know it seems like I just don’t understand. I want to, though. So, tell me one more time so I can get it.”
• Talk with your child/teen about superheroes or people that they admire. Ask: “What qualities do they have? What gives them the confidence to engage in any situation? What qualities do you already have?”
• Teach your child/teen about self-talk. Although adults are aware of the voices playing regularly in their heads, your child/teen is likely not, even though they influence them. Raise their awareness.
  • Look for a moment when you notice your child/teen is telling themself a negative message like “I’m just not good at this.” Use reflective listening for the unspoken message, such as, “I can see that you are telling yourself you’re not good at this. Unfortunately, telling yourself you can’t do it can hurt your chance of meeting your goal. How can we turn that message around to help you?”
  • Ask and invite your child/teen to think about how to reframe that self-talk.
  • Reinforce your child’s/teen’s response if it’s positive or provide ways to frame thinking positively, such as, “I know if I work hard at this, I can figure it out.”
  • Practice the new language together.
  • Provide specific feedback when you see your child/teen using that new language using “I notice…” statements.

Your daily routines allow your child/teen to practice new vital skills if you seize those opportunities. With practice, your child/teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s/teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Allow your child/teen the chance to take steps to meet their significant challenges, taking responsibility for their tasks or relationships — even when you know you could do it faster and better. For example, if your child/teen is frustrated with learning to organize their school papers, try to leave extra time in your schedule before bedtime to complete the task. This will allow them to feel their frustration and then come back and try again without you feeling rushed and pressured to do it for them.
• Intentionally plan for opportunities for your child/teen to practice growing confidence. For example, support your child/teen in challenging themselves in specific ways such as participating in a new activity or introducing themself to another child/teen at an event.
• Be sure to consider how to create conditions to support their success.
• Talk with your child/teen about what makes them feel confident and what takes away their confidence. Share your responses and the skills you use when you don’t feel confident.

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support when it’s needed. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, helping them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and failures) and helping them grow in taking responsibility.

Actions

• Initially, your child/teen may need active support. Use “I’d love to see…” or “What do you need…?” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Ask them to demonstrate how they can work hard toward a goal or have the confidence to take a healthy risk. You could say, “Before you go up to the class to solve a math problem on the board, what will you say to yourself to stay calm and confident?”
• Don’t move on quickly if your child/teen shows interest in trying something new. Children/teens often need more time to stick with a challenge or pursue a goal. Be sure to wait long enough for your child/teen to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can gain skills over time.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you looked directly at your teacher when answering the question she asked” or “I noticed you opted for a more challenging assignment. Great work!”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child/teen is frustrated or feeling incapable, proactively remind your child/teen of their strength. You could say, “I know this is a challenging space for you, and I have all the faith in the world that you will make it through.”
• Actively reflect on how your child/teen is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like:
  • “How are you feeling about your final assignment at school?” Be sure to brainstorm ways your child/teen can find support.
  • “How are you feeling about basketball team tryouts today? What positive things could you say to yourself before the tryout starts?

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts in many ways. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is crucial in promoting more of it. For example, “You asked your teacher your questions about your assignment– that takes a lot of courage!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you give the orchestra audition a try, we will go get ice cream afterward to celebrate.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s intrinsic motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a child/teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering). To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for ice cream on the way home if the child/teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens are working to take healthy risks and grow confidence, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I noticed you took a deep breath, told yourself you could do it, and jumped off the diving board. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your child/teen trying out for a solo – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, snuggle and read before bed after working through math homework together. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. This tool allows children/teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.