Bullying for Your 13-Year-Old

“Ultimately, the only power to which humans should aspire is that which s/he exercises over her/himself.” – Eli Weisel

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a valuable role in the success of your thirteen-year-old. Helping your teen learn to recognize, understand, and deal with bullying is important for their success in school and the world. One in five children experiences bullying, which can come in the form of repeated name-calling, insults, rumors, taunting, social exclusion, or physical harm.¹

Bullying is different from typical conflict among children/teens. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated or has the potential to be repeated over time. Both individuals who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

To be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

• An Imbalance of Power: Children/teens who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even involving the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group intentionally.

Ultimately, bullying is about power—an individual who bullies attempts to gain power by taking it from another person. Taking power from another is never fair. Bullying is not a one-time act of meanness. Bullying behaviors are typically used by children/teens who are hurting and have a misunderstanding of how to use or gain power.

There is also a new form of bullying affecting your child’s/teen’s generation: cyberbullying. A 2015 survey of U.S. students revealed that 24% of middle school students are cyberbullied (16% of high school students).² Most children/teens who report being cyberbullied (90%) have also experienced bullying in person.³ Because children/teens who are cyberbullied are also likely to be bullied in person, the tips below essentially apply to both. However, a few specific tips about cyberbullying are clearly labeled.

It’s essential to look for signs of bullying because your child/teen might not tell you about it. In a study of U.S. students in grades 3-12, less than half told a parent that they were bullied.⁴ The reasons children/teens might not say to a parent or those in a parenting role are varied, including blaming themselves for the bullying, fear of punishment or judgment, and fear that the parent or those in a parenting role will go after the person who is bullying, which might worsen matters for them.

If your child/teen has repeated head or stomach aches and doesn’t want to go to school, ask if there are troubles they are avoiding. If your child/teen seems depressed and you are unsure why, spend time hanging out together and just listening. Your demonstration of openness and trust may bring up a subject that might otherwise remain a secret.

The good news is that the research is clear on preventing bullying. There is much parents or those in a parenting role can do to create the supportive conditions necessary to help prevent bullying from occurring and to stop it if it does. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to guide you.

Why Bullying?

Bullying can impact your child/teen and your family in powerful ways. It might be your eleven-year-old who is repeatedly picked on in school by a peer at recess. Or, it might be your thirteen-year-old who refuses to go to school because of a stomach ache. Or, it could be your fourteen-year-old who seems to isolate themself and cry in their room after school but will not talk about the reasons. A child/teen isn’t able to properly learn at school if they don’t feel safe. Learning how to prevent bullying, identify it, and deal with it if it becomes an issue can help you feel prepared and competent.

Today, in the short term, dealing with bullying behavior can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen through a painful situation;
• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you work together with your child/teen to care for each other;
• trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships and
• added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

• grows skills in self-awareness;
• grows skills in self-control and managing emotions;
• develops competence and self-sufficiency;
• grows assertive communication skills to communicate needs and boundaries critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure and
• develops a healthy understanding of and relationship with power, boundaries, and other people.

Five Steps for Dealing With Bullying Behavior

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen address bullying behavior. It also grows important skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child/teen thinking about bullying by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to bullying behavior. In gaining input, your child/teen

• has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling and can understand when the cause of their upset might be bullying;
• can think through and problem-solve challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
• will have greater trust to confide in you if you listen with an open mind and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life.

Actions

• Engage your child/teen in a conversation to understand their thoughts and feelings. You could ask:
  • “How do the peers around you make you feel?”
  • “What are some ways you have seen other kids at your school mistreat each other?”
  • “What’s your definition of bullying?”
  • “What would you do if you felt bullied?”
  • “What would you do if you saw someone else being bullied?”
• Practice active listening. It can be easy to skip to problem-solving when your child/teen is upset. Also, parents or those in a parenting role tend to assume their child/teen has the same thoughts, concerns, and feelings as they do when, in reality, the child/teen is concerned with something different. The best way to find out whether or not your child/teen is being bullied is by offering a safe space for them to talk about their upset without fearing judgment. You want to create a safe space where your child/teen doesn’t fear further embarrassment (like having you call a friend’s mother) or fear your punishment or disappointment. Let your child/teen know you won’t act before discussing it with them. It is important for your child/teen to feel that they have some control over their school/social life.
• Paraphrase what you heard your child/teen say. Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. A conversation might go something like this:
  • Child/Teen: “James grabbed my notebook in study hall last week; yesterday, he pushed me in the hallway, and today, he threatened to hit me. I don’t know what to do.” Parent modeling paraphrasing: “I hear that James took your notebook away from you, then pushed you another day, and then today threatened to hit you.” If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I hear you were scared. I imagine you were also hurt and humiliated in front of others, like when he pushed you.”
• Often, children/teens do not understand the difference between bullying and one-time meanness. So, you will likely need to interpret what your child/teen tells you if they confide in you. Questions to help you interpret what they tell you to determine if the behavior is bullying include: Is it a one-time event? If so, it’s not bullying. Are there regular or ongoing interactions that are hurting your child/teen? Do they sound like words or actions intended to belittle and dominate?

Learn together to figure out what bullying means. Don’t assume that your child/teen understands what bullying is or what it looks like. Take some time to learn together what bullying is and what it is not. Bullying is a progressive series of attacks over time that may begin with a few mean words on the playground to gain power over another through words and actions. Bullying is never fair or right. When talking with your child/teen, you could explain bullying like this: “Bullying is when someone says or does mean or hurtful things as a way to make themselves seem better or stronger than you.” You could provide examples of what bullying looks like. You could say, “An example of bullying is someone calling you hurtful names or threatening to cause you harm by kicking or hitting you. Another example of bullying is someone intentionally trying to get others not to be friends with you.” Once you have talked about bullying, you can ask your child/teen questions to consider what they’ve seen and experienced with classmates. “Have you witnessed bullying at school? With whom and how?” This is a helpful beginning to a regular dialogue around this important topic.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Teach your child/teen what to say and what to do. Suppose you have already had an open, trusting dialogue about bullying with them and discovered that they are enduring ongoing harassment. In that case, the following are ways to teach your child/teen how to react in those difficult moments.
• CAUTION: If your child/teen has been dangerously threatened with severe harm, DO NOT follow the next steps. Instead, call the school and involve the teacher, the school psychologist, the school counselor, the vice principal — someone at the school level who will take it seriously and pursue the issue immediately. All schools, by law, are supposed to have an anti-bullying policy with a straightforward procedure for dealing with it. Severe harm can be identified if there is a weapon or threat of a weapon involved, if hate has been voiced (racism, homophobia), serious bodily harm has already occurred or been threatened, sexual abuse or threat of, or illegal acts are involved such as robbery, destruction of property, or bribery.
• Secure a safety buddy. A child/teen who bullies typically strikes in the same or similar set of places often when they have adult-free access to your child/teen. So, decide who your child/teen can call upon to act as their safety buddy. Invite that buddy over and formulate a plan together. Ideas in the plan include standing together when the peer approaches, linking arms, and walking toward a teacher together.
• Teach your child/teen to be brief, speak up, and walk away to safety. A child/teen who is bullied typically finds a peer they believe to be weaker. A bullied child/teen is typically scared and shaken by the encounters. But, if a bullying peer determines they may not be able to dominate the other anymore, they quickly leave the situation. If your child/teen is being bullied, you want them to feel they can face their attacker to end the attacks and move to safety.
• Coach your child/teen on what to say. As the bullying child/teen approaches, your child/teen can say: “Stop! You know you are wrong!” Then, they walk to safety, whether walking back inside the school building, finding a teacher, or surrounding themselves with friends. This assertive statement is done best with a safety buddy at their side but can be done alone. It will require a lot of practice to try it out at home first. Using this statement will also require you to assure your complete confidence in your child/teen that they can do it. But, it is a tremendously empowering opportunity for your child/teen to take charge of their problem and tell their attacker to stop.
• One of the most important ways to prevent bullying is by being certain you do not – consciously or unconsciously – perpetuate conditions in your own family that can lead to your child/teen acting as someone who bullies others. Here are some specific areas of family life to examine to ensure those conditions are not being created.⁵
  • Become aware of your language. When speaking about others, do you use language that includes labeling or demeaning words? Do you ever label your child/teen? You may feel that calling them a “geek” is innocent enough, but what if the teacher called reporting your child/teen was calling others geeks? Check your language as you speak and realize that your child/teen is learning from you.
  • Here’s a self-test. Would you be upset if your child/teen repeated what you were saying to someone else in public? If your answer is yes, it’s time to rethink and rephrase what you are saying or try not to say it. And, even if a child/teen acts as a bully in their classroom, do not label that peer. You never want anyone to become permanently labeled since there is hope that their behaviors can change. Instead, label the behaviors such as, “Those are bullying behaviors.”
  • Be your child’s/teen’s advocate. Perhaps you are not aggressive with your child/teen, but a relative is. Don’t allow it. Don’t allow uncles, aunts, or grandmothers to criticize them. There are kind, firm ways you can advocate for your child/teen without hurting others’ feelings. For example, you could remove your child/teen or change the subject. You could also pull the offending adult aside and ask them politely but firmly to stop. Also, support your child/teen when they draw boundaries with family members. For example, if your child/teen chooses not to hug a family member, support their choice. If you suspect a family member is inappropriate with your child/teen when you are not present, make sure they are never left alone with your child/teen so that there are no opportunities for mistreatment.
  • Cultivate sibling kindness. Promote and practice sibling kindness by allowing siblings to appreciate one another. At dinnertime, ask, “What did you notice your sister do today that was kind?” Also, find chances to guide siblings toward cooperation (versus competition). Siblings who can work together get regular practice in being collaborative and will translate that practice into their school (and later into their workplace) relationships.
  • Learn strategies that promote responsibility instead of resorting to yelling and/or punishment.
  • Practice social and emotional skills at home. For example, instead of going to help a neighbor on your own, take your child/teen with you. Let them experience empathy in action. Find ways they can contribute to your home, school, and community. Children/teens practicing social and emotional skills do not need to bully. They derive power from their inner resources – their skills and abilities.
• Model behaviors and your child/teen will notice and learn.⁶ Here are some ways to deal with your upset or anger when your child/teen misbehaves so that you can replace your power-over strategies with empowering ones.
  • Create a plan. This is critical so you’ll know exactly what you’ll say, where you’ll go to calm down, and what you’ll do and consider when calming down. Then, prepare your family so they understand your plan, will recognize it when they see it, and can learn from it.
  • Recognize your anger. This self-awareness can come from several cues. Take note of physical symptoms when they happen. It can cue you to calm down before choosing your next words or actions. Notice the signs, discuss what signs your child/teen notices, and take the following steps.
    • Breathe first. Slowing down your breathing serves a critical biological function. It allows those hormones that have surged from your anger to recede. Your body can regain its composure. And your brain can think beyond fight, flight, or freeze.
    • Switch into slow motion. Use the burst of energy to become extremely slow and intentional about using your body. Breathe and center yourself to regain your calm. No matter what chaos is happening around you, you can be assured that you will accomplish nothing – except perhaps to make matters more contentious – by reacting in an angry moment.
    • Walk outside. Fresh air helps you breathe better, and the natural surroundings are instantly calming.
    • Distract yourself. Research has found that distraction works to calm rage. Books, puzzles, or physical movement can help.
    • Write. Writing down your angry thoughts (versus ruminating about them) can allow you to re-evaluate your situation. You can reframe it, look at it from another perspective, or search for the silver lining. Reflecting in your writing on what you can learn from the situation has a calming effect.

• Talk with your child/teen about knowing when to involve an adult. Ask your child/teen how they would know when to talk with a teacher or involve an adult. Seek to understand your child’s/teen’s decision-making and help your child/teen sort out how they know danger, hurt, and impact.
• Tell an adult. If you’ve attempted to coach your child/teen on enlisting a safety buddy and speaking up to stop the behavior, and those have not worked, then it’s time to seek out an adult when the bullying occurs. Coach your child/teen that they don’t have to stand and listen. They need to walk directly to the first caring adult they can find who can intervene and let them handle the situation.
• Partner with your child’s/teen’s school. Though every school is aware that bullying can pose a significant problem for students, not all schools have plans or adequate support to put preventive strategies in place and deal with abusive behaviors when they occur.
  • Ask your child’s/teen’s teacher or the parent-teacher association about programs and supports they have in place to prevent bullying and promote social and emotional competence. Then, ask how you can get involved.
• Teach your child/teen to be an advocate. Help your child/teen know what to do when they want to get involved. Talk about options when they witness another being picked on. Talk about ideas like: “How could you go over to the child/teen being picked on and show you’re a friend? How could you help that peer walk away with you? How could you help guide that peer to an adult?”

Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL)

Edutopia (George Lucas Educational Foundation) on Social and Emotional Learning

Responsive Classroom

Your daily routines allow your child/teen to practice vital new skills if you seize those opportunities. With practice, your child/teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Actions

• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express support and encouragement. Because a child/teen will be nervous, even scared, when a bully approaches, give them plenty of opportunities to practice. The more comfortable they are with what they will say, the more likely they are to use that phrase in the moment it’s needed. You could say, “Show me how you would tell someone to stop their mean words.” Act it out. After they say their line, practice what they will do, walk away or find an adult.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you stand tall when you say ‘Stop!’ That’s excellent!” or “I notice how you’ve been practicing what you’ll say and do. That’s excellent!”
• Accept feelings. If you will help your child/teen become emotionally intelligent in managing their feelings, it is important to acknowledge and accept their feelings — even the ones you don’t like! When your child/teen is upset, consider your response. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. After listening to your child/teen and validating their emotions through reflections, you could say: What can you do to help yourself feel better? How can we examine ways to take action?”
• Appreciate your child/teen when your child/teen shares information with you. For example, you could say, “I appreciate it when you talk with me about how things are going at school.”
• Practice deep breathing. Teaching your child/teen techniques such as deep breathing will help them find calm in difficult situations and give them the strength to take brave actions such as firmly telling a bully to ‘Stop.’ Getting plenty of practice is important to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!⁶
  • Hot Chocolate Breathing. Pretend to hold your hot cup of cocoa in both hands in front of you. Breathe in deeply the aroma of the chocolate. Then, blow it out to cool it in preparation for drinking. Do this to the count of five to give your child/teen practice. Then, look for chances to practice it regularly.
  • Ocean Breathing. Practice making the noise of the sea waves while breathing deeply from your diaphragm. Close your eyes with your child/teen and imagine your anger is a fiery flame waiting on a sandy shore. And as you breathe life into the ocean waves, they grow closer and closer to the flame to extinguish it.
  • Remember that modeling can be the most influential teacher if your child/teen dismisses your attempts to teach deep breathing. At difficult moments, you may say, “I’m feeling upset. I will take a few deep breaths to help calm myself down.”
• Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What were the high points (favorite parts) and low points (least favorite part) of your day? This will allow your child/teen to share their difficult moments and the day’s highlights.

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some new strategies for dealing with bullying behaviors so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together, and now you can offer support when needed. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different. First, communicate to your child/teen that you believe they have the skills to handle the situation but that you are here to guide and help.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You are going to see Julie today. What are some of the things you can do to assert yourself and get away if you need to?”
• Learn about development. Each new age presents different challenges. Being informed about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
• Reflect on outcomes. You could say, “Seems like you couldn’t sleep last night. Was it because you felt bad about how Julie acted in the hallway? Tell me more. What about trying out some role plays tonight so you can go in tomorrow knowing what you can say and do?”
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different coping strategies can help offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when tough issues arise.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a big impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts in many ways. It is important to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You talked with your classmate about what was bothering you — that must have taken a lot of courage- Excellent!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you follow your plan to have lunch with your safety buddy, we will stop for a treat on the way home from school.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a child/teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering). To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for ice cream on the way home if the child/teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens are working to practice a new plan, a short, specific call-out is needed: “I noticed you enlisted a safety buddy at lunch today, and Julie left you alone. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your child/teen acting as an advocate independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “Let’s try out a few role plays and then put our worries away and enjoy snuggling up to a good book.” Or, after your child/teen shares important information with you about how things have been going at school, take a walk together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. This tool allows children/teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.