Conflict for Your 13-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to nurture a healthy parent-teen relationship, and growing your teen’s skills to manage conflict provides a perfect opportunity.

Conflict happens in families between spouses, among siblings, and between parents and children/teens. Arguing in family life is typical and expected. How you discuss and work through problems together can grow your child’s/teen’s life skills so they are ready to grow and sustain healthy relationships beyond your family. Children/teens ages 11-14 need to practice and grow their listening, empathy, communication, and problem-solving skills to thrive. They will need to learn to stop and calm down before saying or acting in harmful ways. And, they will have to learn to reflect on poor choices and take responsibility for their actions. If they cause harm, you will need to guide them to a better decision so that they learn how to mend physical or emotional damage done.

Everyone faces challenges in managing conflict. “You can’t tell me what to do!” your child/teen may exclaim in embarrassment and frustration after breaking a house rule with a friend. As your child/teen develops, they must test their limits and the rules to internalize them. This testing can lead to challenges. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to help your child/teen work through conflict in ways that grow their skills.

Why Conflict?

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old hitting an older sibling in frustration or your thirteen-year-old refusing to get ready for a family event, establishing regular and healthy ways of working through conflict that isn’t harmful to themself or others is essential as your child/teen learns to grow healthy relationships. This conflict resolution includes teaching your child/teen vital skills that grow confidence.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to manage conflict in healthy ways can create

• more significant opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
• trust in each other that you both have the competence to handle your relationships and responsibilities, and
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage.

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching your child/teen the skills to manage conflict

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self;
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and
• deepens family trust and intimacy.

Five Steps for Managing Conflict

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen manage conflict. It also develops necessary critical life skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child/teen thinking about managing conflict by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and
• will grow self-control, empathy, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Consider what challenges your child/teen in their ability to manage conflict in healthy ways. For example, if your child/teen is hurt or feeling rejected, it’s a normal reflex for them to lash out with hurtful words in self-protection. Begin by considering the following:

• Ask how your child/teen feels when they argue with a family member or friend.
  • “What are some ways you can tell you are having a conflict with someone?”
  • “What are common issues that cause conflict for you?”
  • “How do you feel when you are having a conflict with someone?” (Name the multiple feelings that occur.) If your child/teen is having trouble, you could help them by saying, “Maybe you felt mad? Frustrated? Sad?”
  • “What do you notice about what’s going on in your body?” (Name the ways that your child/teen physically experiences conflict, whether it’s a red, hot face or a racing heartbeat.) You can also use your experience to help your child/teen be curious about how their body responds when upset. You may say, “I notice when I am upset, sometimes my stomach hurts, and other times I get real warm in my chest and face.”
  • “What are examples of negative impacts you have had on others that maybe you didn’t mean?”
  • “How might you have engaged differently to reduce the negative impact?”

As a parent or those in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that your child/teen is learning how to be in healthy relationships, including learning how to argue fairly. Because of your child’s/teen’s learning and development, they will make mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their conflict management skills.

Learning about developmental milestones can help you understand what your child/teen is experiencing and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building.

• Eleven-year-olds may argue with you as they assert their independence and fight with friends as they worry more about being liked. They may exclude others to gain popularity.
• Twelve-year-olds may find themselves more run down by stress. They may be edgy and moody or angry as they deal with stress.
• Thirteen-year-olds can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent. They may feel an even greater sense of peer pressure.
• Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible and like they know how to manage everything. They may get angry if embarrassed or rejected by peers, particularly in front of crushes.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This teaching is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

Actions

• Teach constructive conflict management to your child/teen using the following model:
  • Step 1 – Stop. This is the most crucial step and requires you to pause. Explain to your child/teen that when they are in a conflict, it is easy for the reactive/emotional part of the brain to take over. Unfortunately, this might result in saying unkind things and doing things they regret when functioning in this part of their brain. It is important to pause to get the thinking brain connected. There are many ways to pause, including taking a breath, visualizing a stop sign, or simply imagining hitting a pause button.
  • Step 2 – Check in. The second step has three parts and requires them to check in with their body, feelings, and needs. The following questions will help:
    • “What sensations do you feel in your body?” (heart racing, palms sweaty)
    • “What are you feeling?” (angry, hurt)
    • “What do you need?” (to be heard, to feel like your opinion matters)
  • Step 3 – Communicate. Encourage your child/teen to communicate their feelings, needs, and requests, which might sound like: “I feel upset, and I need my opinion to matter. Could you listen to me first without interrupting?”
• Teach your child/teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children/teens about managing anger is learning how to repair harm when they are part of the conflict/cause. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another, but that next step matters in repairing the relationship.
  • You are modeling and teaching your children/teens vital lessons on repair when you make amends with your child/teen after making mistakes. All parents or those in a parenting role have moments when they don’t feel proud of their behavior toward their children/teens. Use these moments to take responsibility and repair. You may say, “I’m sorry I ______. I had some stressful things happen at work, but that doesn’t make it okay for me to yell at you.” Some parents may worry that apologizing reduces their authority – it does not. Instead, you are modeling how to repair a relationship when one person hurts another and creating a stronger bond with your child/teen; both help to set them up for healthy relationships today and in the future.

Daily disagreements can allow your child/teen to practice new skills if you seize those chances. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen works hard managing feelings, words, and choices constructively.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to develop consequential thinking or the ability to think ahead to the impact of a particular choice and evaluate whether it’s a positive choice based on those considerations.

Actions

• Allow your child/teen the chance to take steps to meet their significant challenges, taking responsibility for their relationships — even when you know you could do it faster and better. For example, take the time to allow your child/teen to think of ways to repair harm rather than telling them to apologize.
• Be sure to consider how you can create the conditions to support their success (like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking) so your child/teen learns to become their best problem solver.
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your child/teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need your support through this process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.
  • Start with asking your child/teen questions. First, help them consider how their actions impacted others. You might ask, “How do you think your friend felt when you broke their bike?” And then help your child/teen brainstorm how to repair harm. You might ask, “How do you want to repair the harm?” Ideas may include apologizing, helping them fix the bike, or letting them use the child/teen’s bike.
  • Resist forcing your child/teen to apologize. Forcing a child/teen to apologize teaches them a memorized response. An apology may make you feel better, but it does not teach your child/teen to accept responsibility for their actions or to begin to understand another’s feelings.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid offering direct solutions, going directly to the other in the conflict, or solving a problem for your child/teen.

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and applying logical consequences when appropriate. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This support is no different.

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, helping them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and conflicts) and helping them grow skills in taking responsibility.

Actions

• Initially, your child/teen may need active support. Use “Show me…” or “I’d love to see…” statements and ask them to demonstrate how they can work to resolve a problem. You could say, “I’d love to see how you use some of the skills we discussed in this argument with your sister.”
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed you were so clear about your feelings and what you needed from your sister. Great work asking her for exactly what you needed. That’s excellent!”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child/teen is frustrated or feeling irritable, proactively remind your child/teen that their power lies in their ability to pause before reacting. This might sound like, “Yesterday, when you stopped and took a breath before reacting to your sister, you could stay in control and get the desired outcome. It may not feel like that today, but that ability is still in you.”
• Actively reflect on how your child/teen is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like:
  • “How are things going with your friends? Who are you hanging out with during lunch?” Offering a chance to talk about lunch and recess gives insight into your child’s/teen’s social challenges.
  • “I can tell you are still upset about what happened with your friend. What do you think might be helpful?”
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your emotions, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child/teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 for managing conflict. Third, if you feel your child/teen is not meeting these expectations (unless they do not know how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts in many ways. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is critical to promoting more of it. For example, “You took a deep breath when you got upset — that is a great idea!” Recognition can include nonverbal cues such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you demonstrate that you can share your new game with your sister, you will get 15 minutes of extra time to play.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s intrinsic motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a child/teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for ice cream on the way home if the child/teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens show signs they’re using skills you’ve been working on, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you asked your friend about how they are feeling. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your child/teen using their calm-down strategies independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after your child/teen calmly resolves a conflict with a friend, invite the friend over for pizza. Or, after everyone is ready for school in the morning without conflicts, take a few minutes to listen to a favorite song together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. This tool allows children/teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.