Responsibility for Your 13-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Thirteen-year-olds are gaining an understanding of what it means to act responsibly. They are:

• working to comprehend the rules and apply them in numerous settings.
• growing their independence.
• increasingly taking care of their bodies (getting exercise, eating right).
• learning about healthy relationships (managing their impulses and feelings, empathizing and working through conflict, keeping promises, and being dependable).
• balancing school requirements (managing homework and extracurriculars),
• and contributing to their household (doing chores, cooperating with expectations and rules).

They will also test boundaries, forget things, and break rules as they develop. When they do, they require guidance on approaching a hurt relationship, revisiting missed obligations, and repairing harm. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for learning how to take responsibility.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can choose to be purposeful and deliberate in teaching your child/teen to act responsibly. Making responsible decisions can involve identifying problems, analyzing situations, solving problems, evaluating, reflecting, and considering the ethical implications or consequences of choices.

Acting responsibly is one of the most essential skills your child/teen can learn from you. Research confirms that children/teens are developing cause-and-effect thinking.¹ This directly impacts their capacity to take responsibility for their actions. Once they understand how their actions and decisions affect themselves and those around them, they will approach even the most minor things they do in their day with a sense of responsibility and pride. Such an important skill takes a lot of planning and practice for a parent or those in a parenting role to teach and many opportunities for a child/teen to try out and redo before it is mastered.

As you utilize teachable moments that grow your child’s/teen’s skills, your relationship with your child/teen will be enriched, and they’ll advance in their ability to make responsible choices. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Responsibility?

Whether you are reviewing household chores with your eleven-year-old, your twelve-year-old attempts to hide a poor grade, or your fourteen-year-old accidentally breaks something at a friend’s house; these situations are all opportunities to teach responsibility.

Today, in the short term, teaching responsibility can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen make healthy, contributing choices, heal hurt in relationships, and make up for mistakes;
• a greater understanding by your child/teen of the connection between their actions and the impact on themselves and others and
• trust that your child/teen is growing in their ability to make good choices.

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching responsibility helps your child/teen

• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making;
• learn independence and self-sufficiency, and
• grows assertive communication skills to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure.
• Five Steps for Growing Responsibility

This five-step process helps you guide your child/teen to make responsible decisions. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child/teen thinking about responsibility by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to their daily responsibilities so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and a sense of ownership) ;
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate (because of their sense of ownership);
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day and
• will grow problem-solving skills.

Actions

Consider the daily responsibilities that may be appropriate for your child/teen to take care of themselves, their possessions, and their relationships. Questions you could ask include:

• “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of yourself?” (exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, time for yourself, manage stress)
  • “How’s that going?”
  • “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?”
  • “What can I do to help you?”
• “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of your possessions?” (pets, clothes, room)
  • “How’s that going?”
  • “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?”
  • “What can I do to help you?”
• “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of your relationships?” (spending time with friends, connecting with family)
  • “How’s that going?”
  • “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?”
  • “What can I do to help you?” (give a ride, reminders)

Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what concerns your child/teen most without assuming your child/teen shares your thoughts, concerns, and feelings.

The fundamental purpose of teaching responsibility is to grow the skills of taking responsibility through constructive actions such as making healthy choices, caring for their environment and possessions, caring for their relationships, and repairing harm. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning about your child’s/teen’s developmental milestones can help you have reasonable expectations for them and provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building.

• Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence, imagining themselves in adult roles. As they grow their social awareness, being able to better see from another person’s perspective, they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and may engage in excluding others to gain popularity.
• Twelve-year-olds, as they gain confidence and leadership abilities, are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness. They also have a lot of energy and need sleep, so they may have less resilience and find themselves more rundown by stress when they have stayed up late. This can add to conflict.
• Thirteen-year-old boys might be in the middle of puberty, while girls will be almost fully physically developed. Both genders can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes. They can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. Mood swings are characteristic of this age. They will feel an ever greater sense of peer pressure, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance, including hopes for your approval. They are competent in contributing to a household’s care and may find time commitments difficult.
• Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They may enjoy academic challenges until they feel overwhelmed or underprepared. Then, they may claim they are “bored” to save their reputation, but in reality, they are stressed that they are not competent. Sometimes, these social pressures can work in conflict with taking responsibility.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child/teen up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.² This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences when unmet expectations are met.

Actions

• Model responsibility for your child/teen. Find chances at a store, at the park, or during a routine at home where you can model responsibility. You could say, “It is our responsibility to pick up the space so it is ready for the next person.” Or, “I promised I would make cookies for the bake sale at school. It is my responsibility to get them there on time.”
• Call out responsibility when you see it — whether it involves an action your child/teen has taken, another family member, or a neighbor. Children/teens need many opportunities to recognize how responsibility is demonstrated.
• Brainstorm ways you can take responsibility together. Generating ideas can add to your child’s/teen’s confidence to make constructive choices. For example, you could say, “What are some ideas you have that would help to leave this space better than you found it?” “Our neighbor just had surgery; what are some ideas you can think of to help them?”
• Normalize conversations about feelings in family life. Children and teens ages 11-14 may not eagerly share their feelings, but they are still learning to identify their more complex and difficult feelings. Notice and name feelings when a family member is showing an expression. Ask, don’t tell. “You look sad. Is that right?” Sharing feelings honestly is the first step in successfully managing feelings and acting responsibly.
• Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s an example: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s another example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). “I-messages” help communicate the problem constructively.
• Teach your child/teen how to repair harm. When they damage or break an object or hurt someone’s feelings, ask them what ideas they have to repair the object and help heal the relationship. This could include apologizing, doing an act of kindness for the other person, writing a note, or offering a hug. Gain your child’s/teen’s input and allow them to decide how to repair harm in each situation.

Your daily routines can allow your child/teen to practice new vital skills if you seize those opportunities. With practice, your child/teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s/teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence and grows their ability to make constructive choices. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Allow your child/teen opportunities to take responsibility for their tasks or relationships — even when you know you could do it faster or better. For example, if your child/teen is frustrated with learning to organize their school papers, try to leave extra time in your schedule before bedtime to complete the task. This will allow them to feel their frustration and then come back and try again without you feeling rushed and pressured to do it for them.
• Proactively remind. “What must you do to prepare for your upcoming test?”
• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you are taking responsibility and using the homework strategies you set up to prepare for your test.”
• Offer limited and authentic choices. Offer them a choice, even if small — “Will you talk to her directly or write her a note?” This can return a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought to improve things. That’s how you take responsibility and heal the relationship.”
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your child/teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need to hold your hand through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.
• Include reflection on the day in your dinnertime routine. You might ask, “What happened today that made you happy?” or “What were the best moments in your day?” You should answer the questions as well. Children/Teens may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day, yet grateful thoughts are a central contributor to happiness and well-being.

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some new strategies. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You have your big test today. How are you feeling? Do you feel like the homework strategies you used prepared you well?”
• Learn about development. Each new age will present differing challenges. Becoming informed regularly about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
• Promote an “I can” belief. Children/Teens need to hear that you believe in their ability to take responsibility for their nighttime routine, turn their homework assignments in on time, or work to repair a friend’s hurt feelings. Your comments and reflections will matter significantly in how competent they feel to take responsibility for their actions.
• Foster friendships. Close friends can be an invaluable source of empathy and support for your child/teen. If conflicts arise between your child/teen and friends, reserve your judgment and coach toward making amends. Don’t step in and solve your child/teen’s conflicts with their friends. Instead, involve them in the communication and coach them on problem-solving skills. The goal is to teach your child/teen to take direct responsibility for their relationships. Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for new and healthy coping strategies can help offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after an inappropriate behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process and avoiding harm.
  • First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your feelings, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior.
  • Second, invite your child/teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2.
  • Third, consider a logical consequence of their actions as a teachable moment. Be sure to consider the following questions before deciding: (1) What will you teach with this consequence? (2) Has a natural consequence already taken place, such as a friend turning away, a broken toy, or a failed grade? Sometimes, the natural consequence is more than enough, and you don’t need to impose yet another. (3) Will the logical consequence be connected to the poor choice so that you can teach cause and effect with the action?

Learning to take responsibility after making a poor choice takes time. Children/teens ages 11-14 may need your ideas, support, and guidance several times since each situation will be unique. That’s okay. What’s important is that you work to understand their feelings, teach new behaviors, and practice while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child/teen. Your relationship with your child/teen is what is most important.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

It will be worth recognizing if your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts in many ways. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You fed the dog all week without being asked. I appreciate that!” Recognition can also include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

 

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined so the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you complete your chores this morning, you will be able to invite a friend over this afternoon” (if you XX, then I’ll XX). It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s intrinsic motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a child/teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering). To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for ice cream on the way home if the child/teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child/teen’s choice. For example, when your child/teen shows responsibility and completes their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Yes! Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your child/teen completing all agreed-upon chores without a reminder – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, snuggle together after a smooth bedtime routine and listen to some relaxing music. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, leave a special note of gratitude in their lunchbox.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and grows important skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. This tool allows children/teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.