Stress and Anxiety for Your 13-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Both teens and adults experience stress. Stress is the physical or mental response to an external cause, such as arguing with a friend or encountering a difficult situation at school. These feelings are your body’s way of warning you about risk and bringing your attention to problems that must be resolved. A stressor can be one-time or ongoing. On the other hand, anxiety is the body’s reaction to stress and can occur even if there is no current threat. While all humans experience some anxiety, when worries and fears become persistent, they can begin to interfere with everyday life and impact your teen’s health. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can support your teen in learning to identify and manage their stress- an essential skill they will use for years to come.

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are in the process of learning about their strong feelings, dealing with academic and extracurricular performance pressures, and growing friendships. All these new experiences and expectations can cause stress that is typical for all children/teens.

In addition, most children/teens also face more intense stress, like family challenges, such as parents who divorce deal with mental illness or addiction. Many families have members who face intense stress due to the effects of systemic oppression, income inequality, lack of access to services, prejudices, stigma, or other injustices. Indeed, the support a child/teen receives during and after stress from trusted caregivers can make a powerful difference in how that child/teen copes and integrates that experience over the long term. With intentional guidance and support, parents or those in a parenting role can advance their child’s/teen’s development to grow their inner strength and resilience.

Symptoms of stress may look differently in children/teens than in adults. Children/Teens can experience both mental and physical symptoms such as restlessness, fatigue, irritability, trouble sleeping at night, and stomach and digestive problems. Some children/teens may act out and create conflicts as they have yet to develop skills to manage their stress constructively.

Symptoms of stress can look very similar to symptoms of anxiety and can be difficult for parents or those in a parenting role to differentiate. Even though signs of stress and anxiety may look the same, they are different and require different approaches to handle each. Understanding the differences between stress and anxiety will help parents or those in a parenting role properly guide their children/teens through their intense feelings.

Stress

• is a normal reaction to a situation or experience (an external trigger or stressor);
• generally goes away when the stressor goes away (some stressors can be long-term, such as significant changes in family like divorce, remarriage, relocation, etc.);
• doesn’t significantly interfere with or alter daily functioning and activities and
• responds well to coping strategies like exercise, deep breathing, etc.

Anxiety

• includes intense and persistent worry and fear that is difficult to control and out of proportion to the situation,¹
• can be long-lasting, and
• significantly interferes with everyday functioning and activities.

While mild anxiety may respond well to coping strategies used to manage stress, a child/teen experiencing anxiety may require additional help from a mental health professional to determine if they have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders are different from feelings of stress or mild anxiety, which are short-term. If your child’s/teen’s worries or fears interfere with their relationships, school, and family life, it may be time to consider reaching out for professional support. Your primary care doctor can often be an easy first stop if you are uncertain where to begin.

There are resources listed at the end of this tool to help parents or those in a parenting role address complex issues like trauma, significant losses, persistent, debilitating anxiety, and depression.

While an anxiety disorder may necessitate additional professional support, every child/teen needs to learn skills to cope with stress, and parents or those in a parenting role can help.

The following steps will prepare you to help your child/teen through the kinds of stressors many commonly face. The steps include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to guide you in helping your child/teen manage stress in ways that develop their resilience and skills for self-management.

Why Stress?

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old refusing to go to a new afterschool program or your thirteen-year-old having trouble getting to sleep because they are worried about a test the next day, stress can become a daily challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies for dealing with it along with input from your child/teen.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to manage stress can create

• greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
• trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your big feelings and
• added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

• grows skills in self-awareness,
• grows skills in self-control and managing feelings, and
• develops independence and self-sufficiency.

Five Steps for Managing Stress

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen manage stress. It also grows essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Parents or those in a parenting role can benefit from understanding how stress is processed in the body and brain by asking helpful questions of your child/teen and learning about their stress.

Anytime you are emotionally shaken from stress, fear, anxiety, anger, or hurt, you are functioning from the part of your brain that developed first — the primal brain — or amygdala. The amygdala responds to stress by fighting, fleeing, or freezing and serves to help us survive dangerous situations. While we rarely face tigers and bears in the wild, several everyday interactions can activate your child’s/teen’s flight or freeze response system. During these intense feelings, some chemicals wash over the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the part of our brain that allows for reasoning and problem-solving.

What does this mean as a parent?

You may notice that once your child/teen is upset, it is difficult to “get through” to them, or it may seem as if “nothing works’ ‘ to help the situation. Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, refers to this as your child’s brain is “hijacked”.² When the brain is hijacked and in a stress response, your attempts at resolving the situation with problem-solving, reasoning, bribes, or threats will do little to solve the current conflict or change your child’s/teen’s behavior. Effective problem-solving requires logic, language, and creativity, though none can be well utilized when greatly upset. While in a stress response state, your child/teen cannot access the part of their brain, the pre-frontal cortex, that engages in reasoning.

How you can help

When your child/teen becomes dysregulated, the first step is to help them return to a calm space before problem-solving or correction. Remember, helping your child/teen calm down does not mean that you are condoning misbehavior. Correction can occur after your child/teen returns to a calm place.

When your child/teen is calm, you can get them thinking about ways to manage daily stress by asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and stress-related challenges. In gaining input, your child/teen

• develops awareness about how they are thinking and feeling and understands when it is stress-related
• can think through and problem-solve challenges they may encounter ahead of time.

Actions

• Engage your child/teen in a conversation to understand your child’s/teen’s thoughts and feelings. You could ask:
  • “When do you feel stressed?”
  • “When do you feel uncomfortable, frustrated, or angry?” (These feelings can mask underlying anxiety.)
  • “What time of day?”
  • “What people, places, and activities are usually involved?”
• You may reflect on a moment when your child/teen was in their stress response or “hijacked” brain. For example: “When I asked you to clean up your room, you became very upset. What was going on for you?”

Asking questions does not mean you agree with or condone your child’s/teen’s behavior. However, curiosity can provide additional information that will allow you to problem-solve, reduce conflict, and help you brainstorm ways to manage stress-related challenges.

• Practice actively listening to your child’s/teen’s thoughts, feelings, and worries. Though you may want to fix your child’s/teen’s problem quickly, it’s important to listen first. Seeing your child/teen in distress can be deeply uncomfortable. However, it is important to sit in that discomfort with your child/teen and allow them to use their coping and critical problem-solving skills to help them thrive. The way to determine whether your child/teen is stressed is by offering a safe space to discuss their worries without fearing judgment.
• Paraphrase what you heard your child/teen say. Paraphrasing is echoing back to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is. It also confirms to the speaker that you have heard them. A conversation might go something like this:
  • Child/Teen: “I just found out my classmates are in a group chat, and I’m not in it. They don’t like me.”
  • Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So I hear you found out that your classmates have an group chat that you are not a part of. Is that right?” If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect the feeling implied. Parent reflecting feeling: “I get the sense you are feeling sad about being left out. Is that right?”
• Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child/teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now, ask, “How does your body feel when stressed?” Every person’s physical experience will be different. Find out how your child/teen feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.

Many daily opportunities exist to teach your child/teen new skills to manage their stress and worries. Learning about what is developmentally appropriate at each age will help you better understand what your child/teen is experiencing and work hard to learn. This also provides context to understand how to support their skill-building best.

• Eleven-year-olds are growing their social awareness, and their worries might increase about being liked and who’s “in” and who’s “out.”
• With growing social awareness, twelve-year-olds may be preoccupied with disturbing news and social issues more than ever. They may find themselves more rundown by stress dealing with social, academic, and extracurricular pressures.
• Thirteen-year-olds can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes with puberty. They can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you.
• Fourteen-year-olds will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They may enjoy academic challenges once they feel underprepared and then become stressed that they need to be more competent.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Model the skills yourself; your child/teen will notice and learn.
  • Get exercise and fresh air. Getting active, whether walking or gardening, can help relieve stress.
  • Remember to breathe. Make a daily routine of taking 5-10 deep breaths to help you begin the morning calm and focused. If you run into stressful situations during the day, remember to breathe deeply amid the chaos to help yourself better cope.
  • Create quiet time. Busy schedules are inevitable. However, everyone needs quiet, unscheduled time to refuel. Say “No” to social commitments when it’s too much. In addition to guarding your child’s/teen’s quiet time, be sure to carve out your own.
  • Set a goal for daily connection. Touch can deepen intimacy in any relationship, creating safety, trust, and a sense of well-being. It offers health benefits as well. A study found that those who hugged more were more resistant to colds and other stress-induced illnesses.³
  • Notice, name, and accept your feelings regularly. You may get in the habit of reassuring family members or friends, “I’m fine,” even when you are not. Yet, you need to be a model of emotional intelligence if your child/teen is to learn to manage their feelings. Notice what you are honestly feeling and name it. “I’m tired and cranky this afternoon.” Accepting those feelings instead of fighting them can be a relief and allow you to take action toward change.
  • Ask, “What is my child/teen developmentally ready to try?” Allow for healthy risks. Realize it will not always be done perfectly or in the ways you expect. Trust your child’s/teen’s ability to solve their problems with your loving support.
• Brainstorm coping strategies. Depending on what feels right, you and your child/teen can use numerous coping strategies. But recalling what will make you feel better can be challenging when you are anxious and upset. That’s why brainstorming a list, writing it down, and keeping it ready can be useful when your child/teen needs it. For example, your child/teen could imagine a favorite place, walk, drink water, take deep breaths, count to 50, draw, color, or build something. For an easy-to-print illustration, check out Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ Coping Strategies for 5-12.
• Design a plan. When you’ve learned about what happens in your brain and body when stress takes over, you know you need a plan so you don’t have to think in that moment. What will you say when upset? Where will you go? Following your plan is a positive way to model coping strategies for your child/teen.
• Work on your child’s/teen’s feelings vocabulary. Sometimes, parents and those in a parenting role must become feelings detectives. If your child/teen shuts down and refuses to tell you what’s happening, you must look for clues. They are still learning to label the complexity of their feelings. They hear feelings in daily conversations less frequently than thoughts or other expressions. Being able to identify your feelings is the first step to being able to manage them successfully.
• Create a calm-down space. During a time without pressures, involve your child/teen in designing a “safe base” or place where your child/teen decides they would like to go when upset to feel better. Maybe their calm-down space is a beanbag chair in their room, a blanket, or special carpet in the family room. Then, consider what items you might place to help them calm down.
• Is your child/teen uttering the same upsetting story more than once or repeatedly analyzing problems or concerns? You could compassionately talk with your child/teen about repetitive thoughts and how they can make us feel more distressed instead of solving a problem. A possible conversation could be: “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been discussing this problem a lot lately. Can I tell you a little bit about how our amazing brains work? Our brains are very powerful. They help us figure out how to solve problems and create great imaginary stories. Sometimes, though, our brains can get stuck thinking about a problem repeatedly in an attempt to solve it. Our brain is trying to help us! But, sometimes, having those thoughts repeatedly can make us feel even more lousy. Can we talk about things that help your brain take a break when stuck in these thoughts? You have a lot of fun playing with your friend on the trampoline. Do you find it easier not to think about these things, then? Maybe we can think of something loving you could say to yourself when you find your brain is repeating worries?”
• Set aside undistracted time to connect with your child/teen daily. Regular connection helps to calm your child’s/teen’s nervous system, enabling them to cope better with difficult situations.
• Create a family gratitude ritual. People get many negative messages daily through the news, performance reviews at school or work, and challenges with family and friends. It can seem easier to complain than to appreciate. Balance out your daily ratio of negative to positive messages by looking for the good in your life and articulating it. Model it and involve your child/teen. This is the best antidote to a sense of entitlement or taking your good life for granted while wanting more and more stuff. Psychologists have researched gratefulness and found that it increases people’s health, sense of well-being, and ability to get more and better sleep at night.⁴

Your daily conversations can allow your child/teen to practice vital new skills if you seize those opportunities. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen works hard to practice essential stress management skills.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s/teen’s sense that they can do a task or skill successfully. This grows confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say: “Show me how you use your safe base to calm down.” This can be used when you observe their stress mounting.
• Practice your plan! Be sure to try out your plan for managing stressful situations in smaller-scale ways. In other words, could you do a dry run — walk to school and be in the environment to act out your plan before the other kids arrive for school? This kind of practice can make all of the difference in assisting your child/teen when their most challenging times arise. It can be helpful to brainstorm with your child/teen how you can be beneficial when they are feeling stressed. Solutions you brainstorm together are more likely to be utilized in times of stress and less likely to be pushed away when your child/teen needs help.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you took some deep breaths when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”
• Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. Bedtime is often a key time for parent-child/teen connections and can also be when your child/teen’s big feelings and responses to accumulated stress show up. Consider the following strategies to help your child/teen feel seen and heard and help your child/teen feel supported before sleep:
  • You could start a conversation with your child/teen by asking about their high (favorite part of the day) and low (least favorite part) of the day. Sharing highs and lows allows your child/teen to share difficult moments and reflect on their day’s bright spots.
  • When your child/teen shares their challenges, listen and offer comfort. While you may have a good idea of how your child/teen could address their concerns, try to use this time to listen. Save problem-solving for the next day. You may say, “Right now, I am here to listen. Would it be okay if I checked in tomorrow, and maybe we could talk about ways to help you with these challenges?”
  • If you find that your child/teen has a difficult time setting worries aside to allow for sleep, consider these interventions:
    • Start your bedtime routine 15-20 min earlier to give your child/teen the time to talk without you feeling rushed to get them to sleep.
  • After your child/teen has your listening attention for some time, you may say,
    • “I can tell this is important to you. Let’s talk tomorrow about some ideas that may help. Now it is time to sleep so your thinking brain can get the rest it needs to problem solve.” Or
    • “I can tell you still have a lot on your mind. If you think of things after I leave, you can write them down in this journal and share them with me in the morning.”
• Proactively remind: If your child/teen is entering a situation you think may induce stress or anxiety, you can proactively remind them of your plan for managing anxiety. If your reminders result in angry or annoyed pushback from your child/teen, remember to revisit making a plan together and ask your child/teen how you can be most helpful in difficult moments. Your child/teen is more likely to accept your help and support if they were part of creating a plan with you.

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some new strategies for managing stress so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You have a test coming up today. Do you remember how to help yourself if you feel stressed?”
• Learn about development. Each new age will present differing challenges and, along with them, stress. Becoming informed regularly about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
• Reflect on outcomes. “Seems like you couldn’t sleep last night because you had so much on your mind. Did you have a hard time paying attention in class? What could we do tonight to help?”
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for new and different coping strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when challenging issues arise.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a big impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts in many ways. It is important to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “When you got frustrated with your homework, you told me how you felt and took deep breaths. Excellent.” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgement such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you finish your homework before dinner, you will have time for a bike ride after dinner .” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s intrinsic motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a child/teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering). To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for ice cream on the way home if the child/teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the important reinforcement you see and value your child/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens practice their calm-down strategies, a specific call-out is needed: “I noticed that you spent some time in your calm-down space and then talked to me about your day. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like your child/teen practicing calm down strategies independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “You worked hard this week and talked about your feelings when overwhelmed. Let’s go for a hike together this weekend.”

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. This tool allows children/teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.

Additional Resources for More Intense Forms of Stress — Adverse Childhood Experiences, Anxiety, and Depression

If there are high emotions in your household most days, consider outside intervention. Physical patterns (like depression) can set in that require the help of a trained professional. Seeking psychological help is the same as going to your doctor for a physical ailment. It is very wise to seek outside help. The following are some U.S.-based resources to check out.

• American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP)
  • Has definitions, answers to frequently asked questions, resources, expert videos, and an online search tool to find a local psychiatrist. http://www.aacap.org
• American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Healthy Children
  • Provides information for parents about emotional wellness, including helping children handle stress, psychiatric medications, grief, and more. http://www.healthychildren.org
• American Psychological Association (APA)
  • Offers information on managing stress, communicating with kids, making stepfamilies work, controlling anger, finding a psychologist, and more. http://www.apa.org
• Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies (ABCT)
  • Provides free online information so that children and adolescents benefit from the most up-to-date information about mental health treatment and can learn about important differences in mental health supports. Parents can search online for local psychologists and psychiatrists for free. http://www.abct.org
• National Institute of Mental Health
  • I’m So Stressed Out! Fact Sheet. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/so-stressed-out-fact-sheet