Mixed Messages About Alcohol for Your 14-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Now is the right time to become more informed about the challenges that may face your child/teen related to alcohol and how you can support their success and healthy decision-making.

National trending data are headed in the right direction. Alcohol use among teens across the United States is less prevalent than even five years ago.

Underage drinking remains a temptation for children/teens and can have a major impact on their brain development.¹ Research also confirms that the younger a child/teen is when they begin to drink, the more likely they’ll engage in behaviors that harm themselves or others. Those individuals who begin drinking before the age of fifteen are four times more likely to become dependent on alcohol at some point in their lives.²

Children/Teens ages 11-14 require risk-taking to exercise their responsible decision-making abilities. This is the age at which they will be introduced to greater risk-taking opportunities, whether involving alcohol, drugs, or risky sexual behaviors. Children/Teens ages 11-14 also gain a more profound social awareness so that they begin to see from the perspective of their peers. This newfound empathy can create social anxiety, and, as with any new capacity, they may make incorrect assumptions about peers’ impressions of them, adding to a heightened sensitivity. They may feel like they are being judged by classmates regularly. Their need to belong becomes even greater as they assert their independence. These challenges are a regular part of your child’s/teen’s development.

Adolescent development (the need for risk-taking, the lack of fully formed rational thinking, and the need to belong socially) increases the risk of using alcohol. But, children/teens who are armed with the facts, prepared with an escape plan, and have supportive families who will get them out of harm’s way – no questions asked – are far more likely to be able to resist peer pressure and navigate the challenges of the teen years successfully. The steps below will prepare you to help grow your child’s/teen’s skills to make healthy choices about alcohol use.

Why Mixed Messages About Alcohol?

Children/Teens receive numerous mixed messages about alcohol consumption and its place in their lives and their communities. They may see commercials or alcohol products in a glamorous context in shows. They may encounter drunk adults at weddings, festivals, or concerts. Perhaps children/teens in these encounters view those others as having fun, or maybe they view them as scary and out of control. These outside messages, though they have an impact, are not as critical as the messages that you and your immediate family and friends send to your child/teen through your actions about alcohol. And it’s never too late to become more fully aware of the messages your child/teen is receiving, their impacts, and how you can shape the messages you send going forward to promote healthy choices.

Today, in the short term, promoting healthy choices about alcohol can

• help you better understand what your child/teen is learning about alcohol and whether the messages they are receiving are desirable or need to change;
• strengthen communications between family members about the role of alcohol;
• help your child/teen make healthy choices and responsible decisions, and
• help you feel confident that you’ve prepared your child/teen to make healthy choices.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

• grows capacity to assert boundaries and establish healthy relationships;
• cultivates healthy habits that will contribute to their ongoing emotional and mental well-being;
• feels more competent in making responsible, well-informed decisions;
• exercises greater self-control;
• makes more conscious choices about their behaviors and
• feels a greater sense of trust and support from you.

Five Steps for Promoting Healthy Choices

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen learn more about alcohol use and how you can promote healthy choices while preventing peer pressure that leads to alcohol use and misuse. It also develops essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child/teen thinking about healthy choices about alcohol by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

• can think through and problem-solve any peer pressure they might experience related to alcohol use;
• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and taking responsibility for their relationships);
• will have more motivation and courage to take responsibility for their actions and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life.

Actions

• Ask open-ended questions. Pick a time when you enjoy being together or when all is calm and relaxed. Driving in the car is ideal (when you don’t have time pressure) since your child/teen will feel less “on the spot” because you are not looking directly at them. You might ask:
  • “What have you noticed about how we use alcohol in our family?”
  • “What are some things you have learned about how alcohol affects a person’s body?”
  • “What are some things your friends say about alcohol?”

Though your child/teen has likely been exposed to adults drinking throughout childhood, you may or may not have had a specific conversation about the role of alcohol. Their first impressions about alcohol may have formed from some experiences watching adults. Because alcohol can have a common presence in life and at celebratory events, it can be challenging to figure out what lessons your child/teen has learned from that modeling. Modeling through your actions is the greatest teacher.

Actions

• Examine family messages around the role of alcohol and think about what they’re teaching your child/teen. Some questions you can ask yourself include:
  • Is drinking alcohol a part of your daily life? Weekly lives? When is alcohol present when your child/teen is around?
  • Is alcohol consumed in moderation typically? Or do individuals drink to the point of intoxication (more than 1-2 drinks)?
  • Do children/teens sip or have a taste of alcohol at any events? Or are children/teens given their alcoholic beverages (under 21) at a certain age?
  • When someone becomes intoxicated, how do other adults react to that person?
    • Are they laughed at?
    • Are they the source of ridicule?
    • Are they a source of shame?
    • Do people reject them?
    • Do they become more popular?
    • How is that person treated?
  • If there are relatives who are dealing with alcohol use disorders like alcohol addiction, how does the family treat them? How are they spoken about when they are not around?
  • The answers to these questions formulate the experiences your child/teen witnesses and what they are currently being taught about alcohol. Though you may want to have the family value of kindness and loving support, alcohol use and abuse can be a source of shame in many families. Understanding what challenges you face can better position you to teach your child/teen about alcohol in healthy, constructive ways.
• Talk about your family history with alcohol. Research shows that children/teens of parents with alcohol use disorders are between four and ten times more likely to become alcohol dependent themselves.² These children/teens are more likely to begin drinking at a younger age and progressively face challenges as they grow.³ If this is true for your family, discussing family history can break that family cycle and teach your child/teen how to make healthy choices. Though all parents or those in a parenting role need to prepare their children/teens with information, coping strategies, and responsible decision-making skills, those families with a history of alcohol addiction are particularly vulnerable.
• Create empathy and compassion through understanding. Promote empathy and understanding as family members deal with challenges in life. This does not mean supporting the unhealthy behaviors of a family member who has a substance use disorder but communicating to your child/teen that the family member has an illness they must treat, just as you might view a family member dealing with diabetes, asthma, or other chronic diseases. This is a family value worth communicating!
• If your child/teen asks, tell the truth about your past and current alcohol use. Your child/teen may be more aware of your drinking behaviors than you realize. Not being open about it can hurt the trust in your relationship. While you shouldn’t glorify your drinking behaviors as a teen or young adult, you don’t want to lie or avoid the topic either. You can remind your child/teen that public health has changed. There are many things known now that weren’t known then. There have been a lot of efforts to reduce underage drinking because now it is known to be far more harmful than was understood even 20 years ago.
• Explain why you want your child/teen to abstain from drinking and drug use. Some reasons include the increased risk of experiencing negative consequences. Their brain is still developing. Alcohol is an addictive substance and a family history of alcohol or drug problems.
• Invite your child/teen to ask questions. Talking about your past drinking or drug use behavior or current alcohol or drug use can be a teachable moment. Emphasize what you have learned from your experience and why you have reached the conclusion that it is important for your child/teen not to drink or use drugs.
• Be clear about your expectations about alcohol and drug use.
• Talk about why people may resort to unhealthy means of coping with stress or problems. Digging a bit into the reasons behind alcohol use and misuse can begin to stir empathy for yourself and your child/teen. Reassure your child/teen that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed by your problems at times, and yet using alcohol and other substances does not solve the issue and can instead lead to medical problems. Offer your thoughts on ways you gain a bigger perspective on the world and the possibilities.
• Become a strong parent advocate. If you are in a circumstance in which relatives become intoxicated, trust your gut. Your family is likely no longer safe since there are individuals present who have lost control. When people become unsafe, it’s your responsibility as a parent or those in a parenting role to get you and your family to safety. Leave the celebration. Let your child/teen know that the reason you are leaving is because there are adults who have made unhealthy choices and have lost their sense of control. This is modeling your resistance to peer pressure!
• Take the learning further because your child/teen will increasingly need to find ways to deal with their stress and social pressures. Expectations of who they are and what they “should” do increase with age and social awareness. So, this is the perfect time to discuss and brainstorm options for coping strategies. You could ask, “When you are upset, what makes you feel better?” Brainstorm a list together. Write it down.
• Instead of discussing alcohol, first, consider questions about health and healthy development.
  • How do you keep healthy (diet, exercise, preventative doctor visits)?
  • How do food and drinks fit into keeping your body healthy?
  • What about the role of medicine? Do you take medication? For what and why? What is your attitude about medicine? When is it important to take it? When do you want to avoid taking it? If you take medication, what side effects have you experienced?
  • What substances alter your body and brain, like coffee, tea, over-the-counter medicine, prescription medicine, alcohol, energy drinks, and others?
  • How do those altering substances fit into a healthy lifestyle?
  • What do you and/or your partner or other family members believe should be the role of alcohol in family life and with children/teens?
  • What do you want your children/teens to learn?
  • How can you align your actions with those values?
• Create a family ritual of expressing gratitude in your lives. Children/teens can get caught up in developmentally-normal social anxiety. You can create a balancing force by focusing on what is good, strong, and healthy. Whether you make a habit of sharing grateful thoughts when sitting down to a family meal or keep a running list on your family’s chalkboard, find a way to share specifics on what is positive in your lives, and your child/teen will start to think in those terms as well. Children/teens who are more aware of how they belong in their families and to a greater community are more likely to respect rules and boundaries and make healthy choices.
• Set and communicate clear expectations to demonstrate values. Draw a metaphorical line in the sand today. This is the first day of teaching your child/teen about alcohol. Now that you have articulated your family’s hopes and values for what you want to teach your child/teen, consider what goals you can set for yourself and what goals you can encourage your child/teen to set to align actions with values.

Practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time they perform the new action. Some skills that will support your child’s/teen’s ability to make healthy alcohol-related decisions include healthy boundary-setting, empathy for others, and leadership skills.

Actions

• Take the first small step. If you’ve set a goal to leave unsafe situations, for example, set your family’s expectations ahead of time. If a wedding is coming up that you know might pose a challenge with drinking relatives, decide ahead of time on a reasonable time to leave together before trouble begins.
• As peer pressure ramps up, teach your child/teen refusal skills and have them practice with you so they know how to react if they are offered alcohol, cannabis*, or other substances. An example might be, “How would you react if a friend offered you a drink of beer from their parent’s fridge?”
• Tell stories of your or your child’s/teen’s ability to empathize and be kind to others. These stories will begin to shape your child’s/teen’s identity as one who can empathize and act compassionately no matter the social pressures.
• Encourage leadership. After all, in every group, a leader emerges. And they are typically the individuals who pressure others to do what they want. As you grow your child’s/teen’s social and emotional skills – the very ones that are also key leadership skills – they will have an opportunity to influence the decision-making of their friendship group.
  • Your leader must regularly reflect on their choices since they influence a group. Talk about social situations and opportunities for decisions. Give your child/teen plenty of chances to decide where they fall on various social issues (exercising their sense of responsibility and right and wrong).

*Cannabis is also called pot, weed, or marijuana

At this point, you’ve learned together the mixed messages and modeling your child/teen encounters related to alcohol consumption. You’ve practiced by setting goals and working toward them together while sharing success stories. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different. However, the challenge of this age range is that they may initiate a fight if they feel you view them as not fully competent. Ensure you empower them to think through the consequences of their choices. Be there if they need you, but only if they ask for your support.

Actions

• Ask key questions.
  • “Are there times when your friends or other classmates want you to do something you don’t want to do?”
  • “How would you respond if your friends asked you to drink?”
• Reflect on outcomes. “Seems like you are worrying about your friends and their impressions of you today. Often, it helps if you talk about it. What’s going on?”
• Stay engaged. Be ready to talk when your child/teen is eager. Their willingness to talk comes at the most inopportune moments. Remember that these are precious windows of opportunity for you to learn about what’s going on in their lives and offer support.
• Engage in further practice. Talk about times when you don’t want to go with the crowd. Perhaps the school PTA made a decision, and you weren’t supportive. How will you keep your relationships and make responsible decisions for yourself and your family that may not go along with the crowd? Help grow your child’s/teen’s leadership and assertive communication skills by discussing when you set healthy boundaries and maintained relationships.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

You can reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts in many ways. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You shared your concerns about the party with your friend. Love seeing that!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

 

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you invite a few friends to come hang out here instead of going to the party, I will provide the pizza, and you can rent a movie.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like a child/teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for ice cream on the way home if the child/teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens remember to check in with you, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I noticed that you texted me once you got to your friend’s house to let me know you made it safely. Thank you!”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort – like using self-control- and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after hearing that your child/teen did the right thing rather than going along with the crowd, stop for a treat on the way home from school to celebrate their positive choices.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent on many other issues and grows important skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. This tool allows children/teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.