Routines for Your 14-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a valuable role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to foster a healthy parent-child/teen relationship, and daily routines provide a timely opportunity.

A routine is a set of activities that is done regularly. Children/Teens ages 11-14 are either in the process of establishing critical habits or are perpetuating habits they’ve already established. Whether it’s getting ready for school, completing their homework, or going to bed at night, these routines can have a lasting impact for a healthy future. Routines not only help your family move through the day smoothly and on time, they can have a significant impact on your child’s/teen’s success.

Though 11-14-year-olds may desire more independence and flexibility with their daily routines, structure and predictability in the morning, after school, at dinnertime, and at bedtime can promote healthy habits and offer a foundation of stability during the many changes they are undergoing.

Yet, anyone can face challenges in establishing routines. “Seriously, Mom, a bedtime? Why can’t I just go to bed when I want to like everybody else?” might be a phrase you’ve heard uttered. While children/teens may resist transitions when they have other goals in mind like wanting to play or read longer, using the steps below can help you navigate these challenges with skill.

The key to many parenting challenges, like establishing routines, is finding ways to communicate so that both your needs and your child’s/teen’s needs are met. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Routines?

Establishing regular routines can help your family get through the day cooperatively while building vital skills in your child/teen. Routines for children/teens ages 11-14 might include:

• Morning routine (wake-up time, get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, pack lunch, prepare school bag, put on coat and shoes, walk to bus stop)
• After-school routine (take papers out of school bag, eat a snack, complete chores and homework, play with friends)
• Bedtime routine (shower, brush teeth, put on pajamas, put dirty clothes in laundry basket, read a book, go to bed)

Routines can help your child/teen feel safe because they know what to expect and are more able to learn from the rich experiences you have together every day. When there are changes to the routine – expected and unexpected – this will also help your child/teen learn to be flexible and practice adjusting to new situations.

Today, in the short term, routines can create

• regular sleep habits, which help children/teens perform better in school;
• structure to ease stress and increase cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks;
• feelings that your child/teen can make sense of their world;
• a sense of mastery when your child/teen repeats routines and knows what to expect; and
• added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

• builds skills to handle unexpected challenges in life;
• builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal setting;
• builds skills in responsible decision making, hard work, and persistence; and
• develops independence, life skills, and self-sufficiency.

Five Steps for Establishing Routines

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen establish routines. It also builds important skills in your child/teen. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well (learn more about the process).

You can get your child/teen thinking about establishing routines by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to your daily routines so that you can address them. Seeking your child’s/teen’s input and offering authentic choices in creating a plan provides a sense of control in their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision making. In gaining input, your child/teen

• has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem solve through any challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
• has a greater interest in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day; and
• will grow problem-solving skills.

Actions

• Ask questions to invite your child/teen into a dialogue with you. You might just start by asking:
• “What do you think is helpful about having routines?”
• “How does having a routine make the day go smoother?”
• “How do you remember everything you have to do? Making lists on paper or a whiteboard? Setting alarms? Writing reminders on your mirror?”
• “What do you usually do to get ready for bed? What helps you relax and feel grateful before going to sleep?”
• Discuss challenges. As you talk about the progression of your morning routine, talk about times that are typically challenging. For example, your child/teen may go back to sleep when the alarm goes off in the morning – pressing the snooze button a few times – requiring you to eventually wake them up.
• Ask: “Seems like getting up on time is challenging. How can we make getting up easier so that you can do it independently?”
• Brainstorm ideas to solve the problem. “Are you getting enough sleep at night? Do you need a different sound on your alarm?”
• Write your plan. Make sure your child/teen is the one who is writing down the plan or checklist. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Keep it simple. Post your plan in a visible location. Refer to it as a reminder during the morning routine. “What’s next on our plan?”

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that everyday, children/teens are learning to perform typical tasks with greater independence each year of their lives. Learning about developmental milestones can help a parent or someone in a parenting role know which tasks might be more difficult and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill building..

• Eleven-year-olds can have higher energy and require more movement (vacuuming the carpet and mowing the lawn can align well). They prefer to learn new skills rather than refine known/previous skills (so, you might think about new skills they could learn that will motivate them).
• Twelve-year-olds also have high energy and are better able to organize their own work. They will initiate their own activities without an adult prompting them. Discuss a plan with a schedule and let your child/teen implement the plan without reminders but be sure to recognize them when they accomplish a task.
• Thirteen-year-olds like to be left alone when at home, therefore think about tasks they can accomplish alone perhaps while wearing earphones to listen to music. They want to serve others and are interested in justice issues; these motivations can be built upon since these fundamental values begin at home.
• Fourteen-year-olds still need their parents, while also needing their own independence and identity; so, think about family chores that can be accomplished as a team with a plan, but be sure to give the teen their own independent tasks for which they are responsible. They are invested in larger social justice issues, so you might make the connection between service at home and being able to serve in the greater world. This is the age that if teens don’t have a strong sense of belonging with family and friends, they can move toward more high-risk behaviors such as those involving drugs and alcohol. Finding ways to make loving connections and care for your home and family life together is a critical prevention strategy!

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child/teen up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Though children/teens would often like to appear fully capable and independent, they are still learning the tasks of family life. Consider: “If my child/teen left our house and lived away from us today, would they know how to do a load of laundry, how to pay for utilities and rent, and prepare three healthy meals a day?” Thinking about what tasks they’ll need to be able to do when they are on their own can offer you guidance on areas to step up their responsibilities. When you’ve identified those areas, you’ll need to teach them to do those new tasks.
• Teach your child/teen how to perform the routine. Particularly if there are new responsibilities or challenges, be sure that you’ve tried those steps out together first. There is a simple process called interactive modeling that teachers use that can become a powerful teaching tool for parents and those in a parenting role.³
• Say what you will model and why.
• Model the behavior.
• Ask your child/teen what they noticed.
• Invite your child/teen to model.
• Ask what they noticed with their own modeling.
• Practice together.
• Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.

Your daily routines can be opportunities for your child/teen to practice new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, they will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen performs the routine. New routines and behavior change take time. It may feel tempting to let go of the routine if challenges arise rather than keep practicing. Gaining input to make adjustments and continued practice will lead to positive change with time.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s/teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Use “I’d love to see…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express interest and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love to see you get completely organized and packed up for your school trip. Once you’re done, you can lead me through what you have prepared.” This can be used when you are in the routine and need to move on to the next step.
• Recognize effort. Frequently, children/teens get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you modified your checklist to make things flow more easily — that’s taking responsibility!”
• If there is part of a routine that is not working, talk with your child/teen about ways that you might change your plan for it to work better. “It seems to take a really long time for you to gather all your things in your backpack in the morning. I am usually feeling rushed, and it is hard for me to be patient while you finish. Is there something we can do to help you get everything ready more quickly? Could we get things put into your backpack the night before? What do you think we should try tonight?”
• Proactively remind. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. You may whisper in your child’s/teen’s ear, “Remember your checklist? You’ve got it!”

At this point, you are developing routines and allowing your child/teen to practice so they can learn how to stick to the plan of their usual routine and be flexible enough to manage changes. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. But, the challenge of this age range is that they may initiate a fight if they feel you view them as not fully competent. Be sure you are empowering them to fully implement a task. Be there if they need you but only if they ask for your support.

Actions

• Ask key questions:
• “Are you all set with what you need to get your project together?”
• “Do you need any help finishing up so that we can move toward our agreed bedtime?”
• Recognize effort by using “I notice” statements like, “I notice how you started your homework right after school without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!”
• Reflect on outcomes. “It seems like you got to bed later than we hoped last night. What did you notice about how it impacted your mood or attention in class?”
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, recognize your own feelings and practice a calm down strategy. It helps to know which calm down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, when you are in control of your emotions and feeling calm, you are able to apply logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child/teen into a discussion about the expectations established in Step 2 for the routine. Third, if you feel that your child/teen is not keeping the agreement that was made (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), then look for a logical consequence that has or will naturally occur to reflect on, such as a sibling’s hurt feelings over mean words. Then, as you reflect, you might ask, “how can you heal your sister’s hurt feelings?” Your child/teen can think through what they might do or say to repair harm. Or you might apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment. One example of a logical consequence during a morning routine that’s gone awry might be to encourage your child/teen to apologize to their teacher for being late for school and make a plan together to begin your morning routine earlier the next day.
• Stay engaged. Working together on particularly challenging times of the routine can help offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when tough issues arise. Be sure to pose the challenge as a question and allow them to offer solutions.
• Engage in further practice. Create more opportunities to practice when the family has time together.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement has a big impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worth your while to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your child’s/child’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three different types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s/teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example,“You set out your clothes and backpack last night so you were not rushed this morning. I really appreciate that!” Recognition can also include nonverbal acknowledgement such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child/teen knows what to expect like “If you complete your homework routine before dinner, you can spend time gaming with your friends.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen to progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s intrinsic motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like a child/teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent or someone in a parenting role offers to stop for ice cream on the way home if the child/teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the important reinforcement that you see and value the choice your child/teen has made. For example, when your child/teen is showing responsibility and completing their homework routine on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like your child/teen completing their entire morning routine without a reminder – in order to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you notice.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after a smooth bedtime routine, snuggle together and listen to some relaxing music. Or, in the morning once ready for school, leave a special note in their lunchbox.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children/teens to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making.