Now Is the Right Time!
As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and creating rules about alcohol helps establish the supportive conditions necessary for your teen to deal with risk.
Although data shows that the majority of teens do not regularly consume alcohol, alcohol is the most commonly used and abused substance among youth. Underage drinking contributes to problems at schools, violence, and sexual assaults and may lead to other drug use.1 The good news is that rates of alcohol use among high school students are going down across the U.S.
Underage drinking remains a temptation for teens and, if abused, can have a significant impact on their brain development.2 Teens ages 15-19 will likely be introduced to greater risk-taking opportunities, including alcohol and drug use and risky sexual behaviors.
A parent’s role is to provide information and skills for our teens to make good choices in these situations. The overall goal is to delay the use of any substances by our teens as long as possible so that the growing adolescent brain and body are not negatively impacted.
Most parents or those in a parenting role will face challenges in establishing rules about alcohol. “Why can’t I go to the (unsupervised) party?” you may hear from your teen. As teens are increasingly influenced by their peers, conflicts can occur when they are eager to do what friends do, regardless of the risks involved. Your teen needs your involvement in establishing clear boundaries and providing monitoring and support to navigate peer pressure successfully.
The key to many parenting challenges, like establishing rules about alcohol, is finding ways to communicate so that both your needs and your teen’s needs are met. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.
Why Rules About Alcohol?
Whether it’s discovering the liquor cabinet has been opened by your curious fifteen-year-old, arguing over attending a friend’s unsupervised party with your sixteen-year-old, or your nineteen-year-old coming home with alcohol on their breath, establishing clear rules about alcohol can help your family prepare for dealing with challenges cooperatively while growing essential skills in your teen.
Today, in the short term, rules about alcohol can
- provide an opportunity for you to teach your teen the science about how alcohol and other substances impact the growing adolescent brain
- help to manage your stress through your teen’s many changes
- help your teen better manage the stress that comes with this age
- cultivate a more trusting relationship, and
- help you feel confident that you’ve prepared your teen to stay safe.
Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen
- grows their capacity to assert boundaries and establish healthy relationships that will serve them for a lifetime
- strengthens self-control and
- cultivates healthy habits that will contribute to their ongoing emotional and mental well-being.
- learns skills to say “no” when offered a substance.
Five Steps for Establishing Rules About Alcohol
This five-step process helps you and your teen establish rules about alcohol. It also grows essential skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).
Tip: These steps are best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush.
Step 1 Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input
You can get your teen thinking about establishing rules about alcohol by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to friends and peer pressure so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen
- has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for following the rules)
- has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership
- will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day and
- will grow problem-solving skills.
Actions
- Pick a time when you are enjoying spending time together. Riding in the car is ideal (when you don’t have time pressure) since your teen will feel less “on the spot” when you are not looking directly at them. You might ask:
- “What are your hopes for your friendships?” Find out what your teen wants in their friendships. You may learn a lot about what motivates them. Then, when you discuss their friends, you know exactly what their goals are for their friendships, and you can help them work toward those healthy goals.
- “What are you and your friends most interested in trying that’s new and different?” Listen to your teen’s interests and ideas for trying out healthy risks. It could involve entering an art contest or climbing a rock wall. If you observe your teen taking a new interest, create opportunities for them to experience those risks safely.
- “Where do you like to hang out with your friends?” Listen to where your teen likes to see friends. Are there places to hang out socially that are desirable for your teen and their friends? Are they in supervised or public locations? Teens need spaces and places where they can be social; if they don’t have them, they’ll create them. Offer opportunities for healthy hangout spots.
- “Does alcohol show up at parties with friends, and how do you feel about it?” Because it’s a sensitive issue, just ask but don’t pressure for an answer. Your teen may come back to you at a later moment to discuss. Also, avoid lecturing your teen when they are honest with you. Lecturing may result in your teen not sharing truthfully in the future for fear of your response.
Though your teen has likely been exposed to adults drinking throughout childhood, you may or may not have had a specific conversation about alcohol. Your teen may be well aware that underage drinking is illegal. Still, they may not know that the laws exist for minors because alcohol impacts the growing adolescent brain differently and is more harmful to teens than it is to adults. Families must discuss the facts and what they believe to be right for their family.
It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your teen up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.
Actions
- Learn together. Alcohol impacts a teen’s growing body and brain differently than adults. Talk about the following information:
- Less than half of a glass of alcohol in one hour is enough to change your personality and your judgment. That small amount will suppress the functions of the brain’s frontal lobe, controlling inhibitions, self-control, judgment, and concentration.
- Research shows that the teenage years are a particularly vulnerable time for brain development and the adverse effects of alcohol. Because teens are undergoing a major brain reconstruction, these changes paired with alcohol can get in the way of normal brain development.
- Youth who drink heavily have subtle but significant challenges with memory, language, academic achievement, abstract reasoning, empathy, future planning, and creative problem-solving.
- Discuss values for family health and healthy development. Consider discussing the following questions:
- “How do we keep healthy (diet, exercise, preventative doctor visits)?”
- “How do food and drinks fit into keeping your body healthy?”
- “Do you take medication? For what and why?”
- “What are some substances that alter your body and brain?”
- “How do those altering substances fit into a healthy lifestyle?”
- Considering your teen’s hopes for their friendships and the impact of alcohol on healthy development, discuss with your teen setting up rules about alcohol. You could ask, “What might be some helpful rules we can stick to as a family?” Examples might include:
- Family members will share an address or specific location where each person will be when they go out for the evening.
- Go to all evening functions with a buddy for safety.
- Always have an escape/excuse plan (with your buddy and with your parents or those in a parenting role) ready if alcohol or other substances are present.
- If called or texted for a ride, parents will appreciate the chance to offer a safe ride and provide that ride without immediately asking questions or issuing consequences.
- Change the conversation when your young adult turns 21. If you have a 21-year-old, change the conversation to focus on choices about the healthy and safe use and non-use of alcohol. The quick facts above are still important. But, now consider, “How will our rules and guidelines change, and what needs to remain the same?” For 21-year-olds living at home, leaving their location where they’ll be, having an exit plan with a friend, and communicating when they’ll come home all still apply. As you discuss facts, values, and social engagements, discuss how you (as an adult) ease out of social pressures when you don’t want to drink. Also, be sure to discuss moderation and review that it is not safe to drive after drinking.
Trap: Some parents or those in a parenting role wonder whether allowing their teens to drink in the home will help them develop an appropriate relationship with alcohol. According to most studies, this does not appear to be the case. In a study of 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, researchers observed that students whose parents or those in a parenting role allowed them to drink at home and/or provided them with alcohol experienced the steepest escalation in drinking.
Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits
Your family and teen’s social life can offer regular opportunities for your teen to practice new skills and try out your family guidelines. With practice, your teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen tries out the rules and plans you have created together.
Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully, which includes standing up to peer pressure. This grows confidence.
Actions
- Try out the new rules before your teen experiences peer pressure and they are in a high-stakes setting. For example, if your guideline is that family members leave an address or specific location where they will be each time they go out for the evening, then create a system where you’ll always leave this information.
- Discuss the role of a safety buddy with your teen and help them identify which friends they could count on as their buddy. Over pizza, chat about what kind of plan they could establish if they want to leave a party or an uncomfortable situation.
- Create a plan together. Talk non-judgmentally (no blaming or naming) about your teen’s choices for leaving an unhealthy situation. Review and roleplay using refusal skills to say “no” to alcohol and drugs while still maintaining friendships. You could ask:
“If you feel pressured and need to get out, what truthful excuses can we come up with to leave the situation?”
“What code can we establish (use your cell phones) so I can pick you up immediately, no questions asked?”
Step 4 Support Your Teen’s Development and Success
At this point, you’ve taught your teen about alcohol and established rules, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how these play out in social situations. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, following through with
logical consequences. Parents naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.
Actions
- Ask key questions to check-in. “How are the rules we’ve established? Are they reasonable to you? Are the plans we set up, like your safety buddy, working out so far?”
- Monitor their activities. Before they go out, be sure you know where they are going, who they’ll be with, and how they are getting there. Verify when they’ll be home. Offer them a ride home. And when they get home, be there to greet, hug, and discreetly check their breath.
- Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you called me when you were uncomfortable. That’s taking responsibility!”
- Stay engaged. Be ready to talk when your teen is eager. Their willingness to talk comes at the most inopportune moments. Remember that these are precious windows of opportunity for you to learn about what’s going on in their lives and offer support.
- Engage in further practice. If your teen shares challenges, explore how you can create additional plans to help them feel supported.
- Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your teen to discuss the expectations and rules established in Step 2. Third, if you feel your teen is not meeting these expectations (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.
Trap: Don’t create a situation where your rules are so strict and inflexible that you invite your teen’s rebellion. Show that you value their opinions and are reasonable. Learn together about the risks so that you are revisiting rules as a team. Teens must understand (and sometimes review) the importance of rules and why they are reasonable.
No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a big impact.
If your teen is working to grow their skills, even in small ways, recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships, a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.
There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.
Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I noticed you decided to leave the party when others showed up who had been drinking. That’s really taking responsibility!” Recognition can also include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.
Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect. For example, “If you follow our plan and come home on time, you will get to stay up 30 minutes later than usual.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s internal motivation.
Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis, such as a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen stops arguing and leaves the event. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.
Trap: It can be easy to use bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents find themselves resorting to a bribe frequently, it is likely time to revisit the
5-step process.
Trap: Think about what behavior a bribe may unintentionally reinforce. For example, offering to stop for a snack if a teen quits arguing and leaves a social gathering may teach the teen that future arguments lead to additional treats.
Actions
- Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value the choice your teen has made. For example, when your teen is practicing being safe in social situations, a short, specific call-out is needed: “I notice you designated a safety buddy and got home on time. Yes! Excellent.”
- Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your teen arranging their safety buddy independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
- Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after your teen has a safe outing with friends and follows your family plan, invite their friends over for a game night at your house. Or, after your teen shares important information about how things have been going with friends, enjoy some hot chocolate together while you talk.
Closing
Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role to use on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. This tool allows teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.
