Confidence for Your 17-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play a valuable role in your teen’s development. There are intentional ways to foster a healthy parent-teen relationship while growing a sense of confidence in your teen that they can work to accomplish goals and succeed in school and the world.

Confidence simply means self-belief. But from where does that belief come? It begins with a trusting relationship you work to cultivate with your teen. Your bond with your teen forms a solid foundation from which a teen can explore the world.

As teens develop their social and emotional skills, they also develop confidence. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can grow faith through your relationship with your teen and by focusing on helping your teen develop social and emotional skills. Confidence is impacted by:

• Self-awareness: your teen’s deepening sense of who they are, understanding their strengths and limitations.
• Self-management: your teen’s ability to manage their emotions constructively.
• Social awareness is your teen’s ability to see from another’s perspective and empathize with others.
• Relationship skills: your teen’s ability to initiate, grow, and sustain healthy relationships with parents or those in a parenting role, teachers, friends, and more.
• Responsible decision making: your teen’s ability to reflect before choosing words or actions on the consequences not to cause harm.

Everyone faces challenges in growing confidence. “I can’t do it!” your teen may exclaim in frustration over a big school assignment. While they may get frustrated and upset with themselves, mistakes and even failures are necessary for their learning and development. Confident teens aren’t perfect. They simply know how to learn from their mistakes with your guidance and support. Mistakes do not define who they are.

The key to many parenting challenges, like growing confidence, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your teen’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Confidence?

Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old confiding in you that they are scared learning to drive, your seventeen-year-old in high school saying that they have no real friends, or your nineteen-year-old avoiding the pile of college applications, establishing regular ways to grow a trusting connection along with teaching your teen vital skills will grow confidence.

Today, in the short term, growing  confidence can create

• more significant opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
• trust in each other, and
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage.

Tomorrow, in the long term, growing confidence in your teen

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self;
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and
• deepens family trust and intimacy.

Five Steps For Growing Confidence

This five-step process helps you and your teen grow confidence. It also grows necessary critical life skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your teen thinking about growing confidence by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and
• will grow their self-control as well as problem-solving skills.

Actions

Consider what challenges your teen’s sense of confidence. Is it sports, school, making friends, or keeping friends?

• Explore the issue by growing from success and strengths! Consider together what your teen is working on at school.
• “Remember last year when you had to write your first research paper? How did you feel at the start? In the middle? How did you feel when you finished and your teacher commented positively?”
• “What helped you get through that learning challenge?”
• If your teen is feeling insecure in making or keeping friends, ask key questions about that specific issue to understand what’s challenging for your teen.
• “How can you start up a conversation with a classmate?”
• “What does a good friend say and do?”
• “How can you act in ways that will be a good friend to others?”

As a parent or those in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that teens are learning to perform everyday, typical tasks along with learning about school subjects and how to be a good friend. Because of this learning, your teen will make mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their confidence. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your teen is experiencing and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building. Here are some examples:

• Fifteen-year-olds are in the final year of significant physical changes and may feel insecure and sensitive to criticism. They may be preoccupied with peer interactions. Academic goals are less important than socializing but still important. Teens may fear failure in front of their peers and seek to avoid specific projects.
• Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school and worries related to learning to drive, getting a new part-time job, or trying out a romantic partnership. All these are critical steps in their exploration of adult life.
• Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider their graduation is coming. At times, they may act overly confident, while at other times, they might resort to behaviors from earlier years.
• Eighteen and nineteen-year-olds are now considered emerging adults gaining the ability to vote. Many will be entering college. They may leave some friendships behind as peers make different decisions for their future. They may also be attempting to make new friends. At times, they may exude confidence, while at other times, they may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Cultivate a learning mindset. In addition to cultivating these essential skills that make your teens feel confident, there are beliefs and attitudes you can promote to contribute to your teen’s belief in themself.
• For example, when your teen says, “I can’t do it!” respond with:
• “You can learn anything with time, practice, and hard work.”
• “You can meet or overcome any challenge with time, practice, and hard work.”
• “Remember that you did it even when you thought you couldn’t.”
• Or, if your teen says, “No one likes me,” you can respond with, “You know how to be a good friend (share specific examples). Your classmates will want to be friends with you because you are a good friend.”
• Or, if your teen says, “You hate me!” or “You don’t care!” you can respond with “I always love you. I always care, no matter what. Sometimes, your choices upset me, but my love never changes.”
• Teach your teen about self-talk. Although adults are aware of the voices playing regularly in their heads, your teen is not, though they influence them. Raise their awareness.
• Look for a moment when you notice your teen is telling themselves a negative message like “I can’t do it.” Use reflective listening for the unspoken message, such as, “I can see that you are telling yourself you can’t do it. Is that right? Telling yourself you can’t do it can hurt your chance of meeting your goal. How can we turn that message around to help you?”
• Ask and invite your teen to think about how to reframe that self-talk.
• Reinforce your teen’s response if it’s positive or provide ways to frame thinking in the positive, such as, “I know if I work hard at this, I can figure it out.”
• Practice the new language together.
• Provide specific feedback when you see your teen using that new language using “I notice…” statements.
• Together, seek opportunities to expose your teen to new things through volunteer time.

Your daily routines allow your teen to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your teen will improve if you allow them to support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Allow your teen the chance to take steps to meet their significant challenges, taking responsibility for their tasks or relationships — even when you know you could do it faster and better.  For example, if your teen gets easily frustrated when trying to organize the details for a get-together with their friends, try to gently suggest that they get a headstart on planning or share some tips for communicating best. Providing the extra lead time will allow your teen to feel their frustration and then come back and try again without you feeling rushed and pressured to take care of the coordinating for them.
• Intentionally plan for opportunities that allow your teen to practice growing confidence. For example, support your teen in challenging themselves in specific ways, such as participating in a new activity or introducing themselves to another teen at an event.
• Be sure to consider how to create conditions to support their success.
• Talk with your teen about what makes them feel confident and what takes away their confidence. Share your responses and the skills you use when you don’t feel confident.

At this point, you’ve taught your teen how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support when it’s needed. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, helping them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and failures) and helping them grow in taking responsibility.

Actions

• Initially, your teen may need active support. Use “I’d love to see…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity.  Ask them to demonstrate how they can work hard toward a goal. When teens learn a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “I’d love to see how you speak constructively with your teacher about your concerns.”
• Don’t move on quickly if your teen shows interest in trying something new. Teens often need more time to stick with a challenge or pursue a goal. Be sure to wait long enough for your teen to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can gain skills over time.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I notice how you took a brain break and then got back to your homework — that’s smart!”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your teen is frustrated or feeling incapable, proactively remind your teen of their strength. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in their ear, “Remember how you introduced yourself last week to a new friend? How can you use that experience here?”
• Actively reflect on how your teen is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like:
• “How are you feeling about your free time at school?” Offering a chance to talk about lunch and breaks gives insight into your teen’s social challenges.
• “How are you feeling about basketball team tryouts today? What positive things could you say to yourself before the tryout starts? 

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You asked your teacher your questions about your assignment– that takes a lot of courage!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect, like “If you demonstrate that you can advocate for yourself by asking your teacher about your project, you can go to the movies with your friends” (if you XX, then I’ll XX). It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s intrinsic motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value the choice your teen has made. For example, when your teen is working to take healthy risks and grow confidence, a short, specific call-out is needed: I noticed you took a deep breath, told yourself you could do it, and tried that new wrestling move. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your teen trying out for a solo – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after completing all the weekend household tasks, have a pizza and game night. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. This tool allows teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.