Bullying for Your 18-Year-Old

“Ultimately, the only power to which humans should aspire is that which s/he exercises over her/himself.” – Eli Weisel

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an important role in your eighteen-year-old’s success. Supporting your teen in learning to understand and deal with bullying behavior is important for their success in and out of school. One in five children experiences bullying, which can come in the form of repeated name-calling, insults, rumors, taunting, social exclusion, or physical harm.¹

Bullying is different from typical conflict among teens. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated or has the potential to be repeated over time. Both individuals who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

To be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

• An Imbalance of Power: Teens who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even involving the same people.
• Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group intentionally.

Ultimately, bullying is about power—an individual who bullies attempts to gain power by taking it from another person. Taking power from another is never fair. Bullying is not a one-time act of meanness. Bullying behaviors are typically used by teens who are hurting and have a misunderstanding of how to use or gain power. If your teen or emerging young adult is being bullied, now is the time to address it with your support since even adults can be challenged by abuses of power in the workplace, in families, or neighborhoods.

There is also a new form of bullying affecting your teen’s generation: cyberbullying. A 2015 survey of U.S. students found that 16% of high school students reported cyberbullying. ² Most teens who report being cyberbullied (90%) have also experienced bullying in person.³ Because teens who are cyberbullied are also likely to be bullied in person, the tips below largely apply to both. However, a few specific tips about cyberbullying are clearly labeled.

It’s essential to look for signs of bullying because your teen might not tell you about it. In a study of U.S. students in grades 3-12, less than half told a parent that they were bullied.⁴ The reasons a teen might not say to a parent or those in a parenting role are varied, including blaming themselves for the bullying, fear of punishment or judgment, and fear that the parent or those in a parenting role will go after the person who is bullying and make matters worse.

If your teen has repeated head or stomach aches and doesn’t want to go to school, ask if there are troubles they are avoiding. If your teen seems anxious regularly or depressed, and you are unsure why, spend time hanging out together and just listening. Your demonstration of openness and trust may bring up a subject that might otherwise remain a secret.

The good news is that the research is clear on preventing bullying. There is much parents or those in a parenting role can do to create the supportive conditions necessary to help prevent bullying from occurring and to stop it if it does. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to guide you.

Why Bullying?

Bullying can impact your teen and your family in powerful ways. It might be your fifteen-year-old who is repeatedly pushed around on the walk home from school. Or, it might be your seventeen-year-old who refuses to go to school because of a headache. Or it could be your nineteen-year-old who seems to isolate themselves in their room for hours after school but will not discuss the reasons. A teen isn’t able to properly learn at school if they don’t feel safe. Identifying, preventing, and dealing with bullying can help you feel prepared and competent.

Today, in the short term, dealing with bullying behavior can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your teens through painful situations;
• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you work together with your teen to care for each other;
• trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships and
• added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

• grows skills in self-awareness;
• grows skills in self-control and managing emotions;
• develops independence, competence, and self-sufficiency;
• grows assertive communication to communicate needs and boundaries critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure and
• develops a healthy understanding of and relationship with power, boundaries, and other people.

Five Steps for Dealing With Bullying Behavior

This five-step process helps you and your teen address bullying behavior. It also develops essential skills in your teens. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your teen thinking about bullying behavior by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to bullying behavior. In gaining input, your teen

• has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset might be bullying;
• can think through and problem-solve challenges they may encounter ahead of time;
• will have greater trust to confide in you if you listen with an open mind and
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life.

Actions

• Engage your teen in a conversation to understand their thoughts and feelings. You could ask:
  • “What’s your definition of bullying?”
  • “What would you do if you felt bullied?”
  • “What would you do if you saw someone else being bullied?”
  • “How do the peers around you make you feel?”
  • “If you feel bad about someone, what’s making you feel that way?”
• Practice active listening. It’s easy to skip to problem-solving when it comes to your teen. Also, parents or those in a parenting role tend to assume their teen has the same thoughts, concerns, and feelings as they do when, in reality, the teen is concerned with something different. Consider that the best way to find out whether or not your teen is being bullied is by offering a safe space for them to talk without fearing judgment, fearing further embarrassment if you were to act quickly (like calling a friend’s mother), or fearing your punishment or disappointment. Let your teen know you won’t take action before discussing it with them first. It is vital for your teen to feel that they have some control over their school/social life.
• Paraphrase what you heard your teen say. Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward at first, but this step is an essential way for you to check your understanding while simultaneously teaching your teen how to listen for comprehension. It forces the listener to step up their game as they will be “on the spot” to communicate back what was said. It might go something like this:
  • Teen: “James asked me to come to a party tonight, and when I said no, he told me I was a loser and called me a name.” Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear that when you said no to James, he was hurtful towards you.” If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I hear you were hurt and perhaps humiliated as well.”
• Often, teens do not understand the difference between bullying and one-time meanness. So, you will likely need to interpret what your teen tells you if they confide in you. Is it a one-time event? If so, it’s not bullying. Are there regular or ongoing interactions that are hurting your teen? Do they sound like words or actions intended to belittle and dominate your teen?

Learn together to figure out what bullying means. Don’t assume your teen understands what bullying is or looks like. Take some time to learn together what bullying is and what it is not. Bullying is a progressive series of attacks over time that attempts to gain power over another through words and actions. Bullying is never fair or right. When talking with your teen, you could explain bullying like this: “Bullying is when someone says or does mean or hurtful things as a way to make themselves seem better or stronger than you.” You could provide examples of what bullying looks like. You could say, “An example of bullying is someone calling you hurtful names or threatening to cause you harm by kicking or hitting you. Another example of bullying is someone intentionally trying to get others not to be friends with you.” Once you have talked about what bullying means, you can ask your teen questions to consider what they’ve seen and experienced with classmates. “Have you witnessed bullying at school? With whom and how?” This is a helpful beginning to a regular dialogue around this important topic.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Teach your teen what to say and what to do. Suppose you have already introduced an open, trusting dialogue about bullying with your teen and discovered that they are enduring ongoing harassment. In that case, the following are ways to teach your teen how to react in those difficult moments.
• CAUTION: If your teen has been dangerously threatened with severe harm, DO NOT follow the next steps. Instead, call the school and involve the teacher, the school psychologist, the school counselor, and the vice principal — someone at the school level who will take it seriously and pursue the issue immediately. All schools, by law, are supposed to have an anti-bullying policy with a clear procedure for dealing with it. Severe harm can be identified if there is a weapon or threat of a weapon involved, if hate has been voiced (racism, homophobia), serious bodily harm has already occurred or been threatened, sexual abuse or threat of, or illegal acts are involved such as robbery, destruction of property, or bribery.
• Secure a safety buddy. A teen who bullies typically strikes in the same or similar places often when adults are not present. So, decide who your teen can call upon to act as their safety buddy. Invite that buddy over and formulate a plan together. Ideas in the plan include standing together when the peer approaches, linking arms, and walking toward a teacher together.
• Teach your teen to be brief, speak up, and walk away to safety. A teen who is bullying typically finds a peer who they believe to be weaker. A bullied teen is typically scared and shaken by the encounters. But, if a bullying peer determines they may not be able to dominate the other anymore, they quickly leave the situation. If your teen is being bullied, you want them to feel they can face their attacker to end the attacks and move to safety.
• Coach your teen on what to say. As the bullying teen approaches, your teen can say: “Stop! You know you are wrong!” Then, walk to safety, whether walking back inside the school building, finding a teacher or surrounding themselves with friends. This assertive statement is done best with a safety buddy at their side but can be done alone. It will require a lot of practice to try it out at home first. Using this statement will also require you to assure your complete confidence in your teen that they can do it. But, it is a tremendously empowering opportunity for your teen to take charge of their problem and tell their attacker to stop.
• One of the most important ways you can prevent bullying is by being certain you do not – consciously or unconsciously – perpetuate conditions in your own family that can lead to your teen acting as someone who bullies others. You can examine specific areas of family life to ensure you are not creating those conditions.⁵
  • Become aware of your language. When speaking about others, do you use language that includes labeling or demeaning words? Do you ever label your teen? You may feel that calling them a “geek” is innocent enough, but what if the teacher called to report your teen was calling others geeks? Check your language as you speak and realize that your teen is learning from you.
  • Here’s a self-test. Would you be upset if your teen repeated what you were saying to someone else in public? If your answer is yes, it’s time to rethink and rephrase what you are saying or try not to say it. And, even if a peer in your teen’s classroom acts as a bully, do not label that classmate. You never want an individual to become permanently labeled since there is hope that their behaviors can change. Label the behaviors, such as, “Those are bullying behaviors.”
  • Be your teen’s advocate. Perhaps you are not aggressive with your teen, but a relative is. Don’t allow it. Don’t allow uncles, aunts, or grandmothers to criticize your teen. There are kind, firm ways you can advocate without hurting others’ feelings. For example, you could remove your teen or change the subject. You could also pull the offending adult aside and ask them politely but firmly to stop. Also, support your teen when they draw their boundaries with family members. For example, if your teen chooses not to hug a family member, support their choice. If you suspect a family member is inappropriate with your teen when you are not present, make sure they are never left alone with your teen so that there are no opportunities for mistreatment.
  • Cultivate sibling kindness. Promote and practice sibling kindness by allowing siblings to appreciate one another. At dinnertime, ask, “What did you notice your sister do today that was kind?” Also, find chances to guide siblings toward cooperation (versus competition). Siblings who can work together get regular practice in being collaborative and will translate that practice into their school (and later into their workplace) relationships.
  • Learn strategies that promote responsibility instead of resorting to yelling and/or punishment.
  • Practice social and emotional skills at home. For example, take your teen with you instead of going to help a neighbor alone. Let them experience empathy in action. Find ways they can contribute to your home, school, and community. Teens practicing social and emotional skills do not need to bully. They derive power from their inner resources — their skills and abilities.
• Model behaviors and your teen will notice and learn.⁶ Here are some ways to deal with your anger when your teen misbehaves so that you can replace your power-over strategies with empowering ones.
  • Create a plan. This is critical so you’ll know precisely what you’ll say, where you’ll go to calm down, and what you’ll do and consider when calming down. Then, prepare your family so they understand your plan, will recognize it when they see it, and can learn from it.
  • Recognize your anger. This self-awareness can come from several cues. Take note of physical symptoms when they happen. It can cue you to calm down before choosing your following words or actions. Notice the signs, discuss what signs your teen notices, and take the next steps.
    • Breathe first. Slowing down your breathing serves a critical biological function. It allows those hormones that have surged from your anger to recede. Your body can regain its composure. And your brain can think beyond fight, flight, or freeze.
    • Switch into slow motion. Use the burst of energy to become extremely slow and intentional about using your body. Breathe and center yourself to regain your calm. No matter what chaos is happening around you, you can be assured that you will accomplish nothing – except perhaps to make matters more contentious – by reacting in an angry moment.
    • Walk outside. Fresh air helps you breathe better, and the natural surroundings are instantly calming.
    • Distract yourself. Research has found that distraction works to calm rage. Books, puzzles, or physical movement can help.
    • Write. Writing down your angry thoughts (versus ruminating about them) can allow you to re-evaluate your situation. You can reframe it, look at it from another perspective, or search for the silver lining. Reflecting in your writing on what you can learn from the situation has a calming effect.

• Talk with your teen about knowing when to involve an adult. Ask your teen how they would know when to talk with a teacher or involve an adult. Seek to understand your teen’s decision-making and help them sort out how they understand danger, hurt, and impact.
• Tell an adult. If you’ve attempted to coach your teen on enlisting a safety buddy and speaking up to stop the behavior, and those have not worked, it’s time to seek out an adult when the bullying occurs. Coach your teen that they don’t have to stand and listen. They need to walk directly to the first caring adult they can find who can intervene and let them handle the situation.
• Partner with your teen’s school. Though every school is aware that bullying can pose a significant problem for students, not all schools have plans or adequate support to put preventive strategies in place and deal with abusive behaviors when they occur.
• Teach your teen how to be an advocate. Teens can try to stop it on their own. Help your teen know what to do when they want to get involved. Talk about options when your teen witnesses another being picked on. Talk about ideas like: “How could you go over to the teen being picked on and show you’re a friend? How could you help that peer walk away with you? How could you help guide that peer to an adult?”

Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL)

Edutopia (George Lucas Educational Foundation) on Social and Emotional Learning

Responsive Classroom

Your daily routines allow your teen to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Actions

• Use “I’d love to see…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express support and encouragement because a teen will be nervous and even scared when a bully approaches, and because fear paralyzes thinking, give your teen plenty of opportunities to practice. The more comfortable they are with what they will say, the more likely they are to use that phrase in the moment it’s needed. You could say, “I’d love to see you ask your friend to stop using those hurtful words with you.” Or you could say, “Show me how you would tell someone to stop their mean words.” Act it out. After they say their line, practice what they will do, walk away or find an adult.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you stand tall when you say ‘Stop!’ That’s excellent!” or “I notice how you’ve been practicing what you’ll say and do. That’s excellent!”
• Accept feelings. If you will help your teen become emotionally intelligent in managing their feelings, it is important to acknowledge and accept them- even those you don’t like! When your teen is upset, consider your response. You could say, “I hear you’re upset.” After listening to your teen and validating their emotions through reflections, you could say: What can you do to help yourself feel better? How can we examine ways to take action?”
• Practice deep breathing. Teaching your teen techniques such as deep breathing will help them find calm in difficult situations and give them the strength to take brave actions such as firmly telling a bully to ‘Stop.’ Getting in plenty of practice is important to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!⁶
  • Hot Chocolate Breathing. Pretend to hold your hot cup of cocoa in both hands in front of you. Breathe deeply the aroma of the chocolate, and then blow out to cool it in preparation for drinking. Do this to the count of five to give your teen practice. Then, look for chances to practice it regularly.
  • Ocean Breathing. Practice making the noise of the sea waves while breathing deeply from your diaphragm. Close your eyes with your teen and imagine your anger is a fiery flame waiting on a sandy shore. And as you breathe life into the ocean waves, they grow closer and closer to the flame to extinguish it.
  • Remember that modeling can be the most influential teacher if your teen dismisses your attempts to teach deep breathing. At difficult moments, you may say, “I’m feeling upset. I will take a few deep breaths to help calm myself down.”
• Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What were the high points (favorite parts) and low points (least favorite part) of your day? This will allow your teen to share their difficult moments and the day’s highlights.

At this point, you’ve taught your teen some new strategies for dealing with bullying behaviors so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. And now you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents naturally offer support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different. First, communicate to your teen that you believe they have the skills to handle the situation but that you are here to guide and help.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You are going to see James today. Do you remember how to assert yourself and get away if necessary?”
• Learn about development. Each new age will present different challenges. Being informed about what developmental milestones your teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
• Reflect on outcomes. You could say, “Seems like you couldn’t sleep last night. Was it because you were upset about how James acted at school yesterday? Did you have a hard time paying attention in class? What about trying out some role plays tonight so you can go in tomorrow knowing what you can say and do?”
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different coping strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your teen when challenging issues arise.

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You talked with your classmate about what was bothering you — that must have taken a lot of courage- Excellent!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the teen knows what to expect, like “If you follow your plan to have lunch with your safety buddy, we will stop for a snack on the way home from school.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role are in a crisis (like a teen arguing and refusing to leave a social gathering. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offer to stop for a snack on the way home if the teen will stop arguing and leave the event). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value the choice your teen has made. For example, a specific call-out is needed when your teen is practicing a new plan: “I notice you enlisted a friend after school on the walk home today, and James left you alone. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like your teen acting as an advocate independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, “Let’s try out a few role plays and then put our worries away and enjoy snuggling up to a good book.” Or, after your teen shares important information about how things have been going at school, take a walk together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role to use on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. This tool allows teens to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.