Discipline for Your 3-Year-Old

“The true meaning of discipline is to learn or teach.” ¹

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can be purposeful and deliberate in providing guidance and discipline. Guidance and discipline for skill building can help your child develop self-awareness — “the ability to accurately recognize one’s own emotions, thoughts, and values and how they influence behavior.”² Self-awareness is a fundamental ingredient of self-management — “the ability to manage thoughts, feelings and actions, control impulses, persist toward goals, and manage stress.”² These skills grow your child’s sense of responsibility while improving your relationship.

Three- and four-year-olds are aware that they are their own individual people and can do some things without the assistance of an adult. They also experience many feelings and are learning to understand how to express them.

Children ages three to four seek more independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning.

It is essential to differentiate discipline from punishment. Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their children will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child is punished, they often feel scared, embarrassed, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt negatively impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your child will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize entirely and feel unsafe. On the other hand, the goal of guidance and discipline is to support the learning process and avoid harm. Three- and four-year-olds are also beginning to empathize with others — to view thoughts and feelings from another person’s perspective. Empathy is also an essential ingredient of self-management. Children need to learn that their actions impact others around them. This is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that when young children learn to understand their feelings, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.³ This directly impacts their school readiness and ability to follow the rules. Children need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance and discipline for skill building is challenging for many parents.⁴ Approaching guidance and discipline for skill building as teachable moments to grow your child’s skills can transform your understanding of discipline. It can enrich your relationship with your child. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Guidance and Discipline for Skill Building?

When your three-year-old is crying angrily in frustration and envy over their sister’s new toys or your four-year-old is refusing to go to bed, these situations are opportunities to provide guidance and discipline for skill building.

Today, in the short term, guidance and discipline for skill building can create

• a growing understanding of rules and expectations
• a greater understanding in you of the connection between your child’s feelings and their behaviors
• a sense of confidence that you can help your child regain calm and focus
• trust in yourself that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings
• opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you work together to care for each other

Tomorrow, in the long term, guidance and discipline for skill building helps your child

• build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• learn independence and self-sufficiency
• grow assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe

Five Steps for Guiding and Disciplining to Build Skills

This five-step process helps you guide and discipline to build skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Step 1 Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

“Too many children who have problems with behavior also have problems with accurately labeling their feelings.” ⁵

Children’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences.^6,7 Feelings are not right or wrong, but what your child does with the feeling may be appropriate or inappropriate.

You can help your child start understanding their feelings by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input:

• Uncovering your child’s feelings can transform an unsafe or inappropriate behavior into a teachable moment.
• You can better understand why your child is behaving in a certain way.
• You can begin teaching your child how to understand their feelings, which will help them manage their behaviors.
• You can grow their self-control, social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Before you can get input from your child to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. Your child will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

• Ask yourself if your child is hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or transition to a nap.
• Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes.
• If your child’s basic needs, like hunger or tiredness, are not issues, take additional steps to help them calm down. This might involve offering a hug, helping them take deep breaths, or holding a blanket or stuffed animal.

Three- and four-year-olds are learning to understand their feelings. They are also beginning to understand other people’s feelings and how their actions affect others. They will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child are calm, reflect on your child’s feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

• “Does my child have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do.
• You can ask them about how they are feeling.
  • “I noticed your face got red, and your forehead got all scrunched up. So, when you threw the toy, were you feeling frustrated?” 
  • “I saw you dropped your popsicle on the ground. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”
  • They seem to be stalling at bedtime by asking for another drink or a snack; you could ask, “Are you feeling scared?”
• You can also ask them about how they think others might be feeling.
  • “Your sister cried when you took the toy. How might she be feeling?” 
  • “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”
  • “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

Step 2 Teach New Skills

Learning to understand your feelings and behaviors when your child misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you know what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

• “Do I get angry when they do a certain behavior?”
• “How do I respond to my anger?”
• “How do I want my child to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your child’s developmental milestones can help you have reasonable expectations for your child. Here are some examples:

• Three- to four-year-olds are aware of their separateness from others. This awareness can lead to testing boundaries as they attempt to assert themselves and exert control.
• Three- to four-year-olds are interested in demonstrating their independence, though they are still learning everyday skills like putting on shoes or fastening a coat. This can lead to frustrations as they cannot act independently.
• Three- to four-year-olds are growing in their empathy for others. They will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting.
• Three- to four-year-olds can show a broader range of emotions.
• Three- to four-year-olds can carry a conversation by offering two to three sentences and developing an emotional vocabulary. They are learning to describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings, and a feelings vocabulary takes time to develop.
• Three- to four-year-olds may have difficulty asserting their needs or communicating when upset and may still throw tantrums to express anger or frustration.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.⁴

Actions

• Teach your child positive behaviors. Each time your child misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.
• Play the “feel better” game. At a calm time, ask, “What helps you feel better when you’re sad, mad, or hurt?” Share ideas like taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, taking a walk, or asking for a hug.
• Teach positive ways to ask for attention. It’s easy to get into a habit of pointing out what children are not doing right. When children are misbehaving to get attention, they have not yet learned how to get attention in positive ways. Consider how your child can seek your attention in acceptable ways. Then, actively teach these kinds of attention-getting behaviors. Would you like your child to say a polite “Excuse me” when they need you, and you’re engaged in a conversation? If so, practice as a family. Do a dry run so that all are comfortable, and then reinforce that positive behavior to create more of the same.
• Model assertive communication through I-messages. Here’s an example: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s an example: “I feel sad when you won’t share your toys with others because it hurts their feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.
• Begin to teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing anger is how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. We all have our moments when we hurt another. But it’s that next step that matters in repairing the relationship. A 3-4-year-old will not be able to repair harm independently, but you can help them by checking in with someone they may have harmed and asking if they are OK.
• End the day with love. When children misbehave during the day, they often end the day feeling bad about themselves. Children tie your love to their behavior. If you act proud of them, they feel loved. If you are disappointed or mad at them, they feel unloved. Be sure to spend one-on-one time with your child if they have had rough patches that day. This teaches them that they are loved no matter what choices they make. It encourages them to practice new ways of behaving.
• Work on your family’s feelings vocabulary. Three-year-olds are only beginning to learn about feelings. Notice and name feelings each chance a family member shows an expression to offer plenty of practice. Ask, don’t tell. “Dad, you look sad. Is that right?” Being able to identify emotions is the first step in successfully managing emotions.
• Create a calm-down space. During playtime or time without pressure, design a “safe base” or place where your child decides to go when upset to feel better. Maybe their calm-down space is a beanbag chair, a blanket, or a special carpet in the family room. Then, consider what items you might place there to help them calm down. The only way this space serves as a tool for parents to promote their children’s self-management skills is if they allow a child to self-select the calm-down space. You can and should practice using it and gently remind them of it when they are upset. “Would your calm down space help you feel better?” you might ask. But if that space is ever used as a punishment or a directive – “Go to your calm down space!” – the control lies in the parents and no longer in the child, and the opportunity for skill building is lost.

Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for children to learn new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child performs a new action.

Actions

• Accept feelings. If you are going to help your child manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings – even ones you don’t like. When your child is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “You seem upset. I wonder if your blanket could help comfort you. I’m here for a hug or a cuddle if you would like one.?” Then, focus on teaching and practicing better behavior.
• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say: “Show me how you can ask for attention” or “Show me how you can share your toys with your friend.” This practice will prepare your child to use the new skill when they require your attention.
• Offer two real choices. Particularly for a child who is seeking independence, offering them an option, even if small, like “Do you want to play outside or inside?” or “Do you want an apple or a banana for a snack?” can return a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.
• As your child exerts effort to seek independence, ask for help. Engage your child side by side in taking action together to improve things. For example, they could help you fold some laundry or dust.
• Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your child anytime, anywhere, it’s important to get in plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!⁸
  • Blowing Out Birthday Candles Breathing. You can pretend you are blowing out candles on a birthday cake. Just the image in your head of a birthday cake brings about happy thoughts. To blow out several small flames, you have to take deep breaths.
  • Teddy Bear Belly Breathing. Balance a teddy bear on your child’s tummy and give it a ride with the rising and falling of their breath. This would be ideal to practice during your bedtime routine when you are lying down and want to calm down for the evening.
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your child has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need to hold your hand through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.
• Include reflections on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What are your highs and lows from the day?” This allows your child to share their most challenging moment with you and the day’s bright spots. You should answer the questions as well. Children may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day, yet grateful thoughts are a central contributor to happiness and well-being.

Step 4 Support Your Child’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your child some new strategies. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents naturally provide support when they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You are going to preschool today. Do you remember what you can do if you feel angry or sad?”
• Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present new opportunities and challenges, along with stress, frustrations, and anger.
• Encourage friendships. Playmates can be an invaluable source of joy and support for your child.
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different coping strategies can help offer additional support and motivation for your child when challenging issues arise.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should follow soon after an inappropriate behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process and avoiding harm.
  • First, control your emotions. This is good modeling; when your emotions are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. For example, if your child does not pick up their toys after you ask them to, give them some time, take some deep breaths, and avoid getting angry yourself.
  • Second, invite your child to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 about this behavior. Following the same example, ask your child if they remember what they need to do when cleaning up their toys.
  • Third, apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment. For example, you might take away their privilege to play with those toys because they did not take appropriate steps to put them away. Remember, the goal is not to punish the child but rather to have a logical consequence like “I can’t play with a toy if I don’t clean up when asked.”

Learning new behaviors to replace inappropriate behaviors takes time. Your three-four-year-old will likely not do it right the first time (or even the second or third!). That’s OK. What’s important is that you approach guidance and discipline for skill building by understanding feelings, teaching new behaviors, and practicing while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child. Your healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child is most important.

Step 5Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “You shared your toy—I love seeing that!” or “You picked up your toys when it was time—I am super proud of you!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when your child remains calm, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I noticed you told me about it when you got angry, and we took some deep breaths together. Yes! Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.