Confidence for Your 5-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while growing confidence in your child to work toward their goals and succeed in school and life.

Confidence simply means self-belief. But where does that confidence come from? It begins with a trusting relationship you work to cultivate with your child. Your bond with your child forms a solid foundation from which your child can explore the world.

Children ages 5-10 will continue to grow their social and emotional skills. As children develop their social and emotional skills, they will also grow their sense of confidence. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can foster confidence through your relationship with your child and focus on helping your child grow social and emotional skills. Confidence is impacted by:

• Self-awareness: your child’s deepening sense of who they are, understanding their strengths and limitations.
• Self-management: your child’s ability to manage their emotions constructively.
• Social awareness is your child’s ability to see from another’s perspective and empathize.
• Relationship skills: your child’s ability to initiate, grow, and sustain healthy relationships with parents or those in a parenting role, teachers, friends, and others.
• Responsible decision making: your child’s ability to reflect – before choosing words or actions – on the consequences to not cause harm.

Everyone faces challenges in growing confidence. “I can’t do it!” your child may exclaim in frustration over math homework. While children may get frustrated and upset with themselves, mistakes and failures are necessary for learning and development. Confident children are not perfect. They simply know how to learn from their mistakes with your guidance and support. Mistakes do not define who they are.

The key to many parenting challenges, like growing confidence, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Confidence?

Whether it’s your five-year-old confiding in you that they fear they’ll never learn to read, your seven-year-old saying that they have no real friends, or your nine-year-old hiding homework to avoid facing it, establishing regular ways to grow a trusting connection along with teaching your child vital skills will grow confidence.

Today, in the short term, growing confidence can create

• more significant opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
• trust in each other, and
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage.

Tomorrow, in the long term, growing confidence in your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self;
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and
• deepens family trust and intimacy.

Five Steps for Growing Confidence

This five-step process helps you and your child grow confidence. It also develops essential critical life skills in your child. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about growing confidence by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and
• will grow their self-control and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Consider what situations challenge your child’s sense of confidence. Is it in school, making new friends, or keeping friends?

For example, consider the following if your child needs more confidence with learning challenges at school.

• Explore the issue by building on past successes. Consider together how their past successes can support their current challenges. Questions you could ask include:
• “Remember last year when you had to sing a song in music class? How did you feel at the start? In the middle? How did you feel when you finished and the teacher liked it?”
• “What helped you get through that learning challenge?”
• If your child feels insecure in making or keeping friends, ask questions about the specific issue to understand what’s challenging for your child. Then, explore and reflect on ways to help by asking questions like:
• “How can you start up a conversation with a classmate?”
• “What does a good friend act, say, or do?”
• “How can you act in ways that will be a good friend to others?”

As a parent or those in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that children are learning to perform typical tasks along with learning about school subjects and how to be a good friend. Because of this learning, your child will make mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their confidence. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is going through and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building.

Here are some examples:

• Five-year-olds are working on understanding rules and routines. Consistency helps them feel a sense of stability.
• Six-year-olds may be more apt to question your rules. They thrive on encouragement. They can become critical of others and may need experience with kindness and inclusion.
• Seven-year-olds crave structure and may find changes to the schedule challenging. They may be moody and require reassurance from adults.
• Eight-year-olds are more resilient when they make mistakes. Their peers’ and teachers’ approval is critical to them.
• Nine-year-olds can become easily frustrated; they need directions that contain one instruction at a time. They may worry about peer approval and their appearance and interests.
• Ten-year-olds are developing a strong sense of right and wrong and fairness. They tend to be able to work through conflicts with friends more rapidly.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills and problem-solving abilities and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Cultivate a learning mindset. In addition to cultivating these essential skills that make your child feel confident, there are beliefs and attitudes you can promote to contribute to your child’s confidence in themself.
• For example, when your child says, “I can’t do it!” respond with:
• “I hear this is a tough challenge. You can learn anything with time, practice, and hard work.”
• “You’re feeling stuck! You can meet or overcome any challenge with time, practice, and hard work.”
• “Wow, it’s tough, huh? Remember when you did it, even when you thought you couldn’t?”
• Or, if your child says, “No one likes me,” you can respond with: “I hear you’re feeling lonely at school right now. You know how to be a good friend (share specific examples). Your classmates will want to be friends with you because you are a good friend.”
• Or, if your child says, “You hate me!” or “You don’t care!” you can respond with: “I sense you are feeling hurt and angry right now. I always love you, and I always care, no matter what. Sometimes, your choices upset me, but my love never changes.”
• Talk with your child about superheroes or people that they admire. Ask: “What qualities do they have? What gives them the confidence to engage in any situation? What qualities do you already have?”
• Pay attention to opportunities to celebrate small victories. It can be easy to overlook behaviors that you expect from your child. However, you can help shift your child’s mindset by continually noticing the small stuff. For example, “I see how hard you are working on that puzzle; pieces are not fitting right away, but you keep trying and are not giving up. I see real perseverance!” Or “I noticed you were talking to that other kid on the swings. It can be hard to talk to someone for the first time. Way to be brave.”
• Teach your child about self-talk. Although adults are aware of the voices playing regularly in their heads, children are not, even though they influence them. Raise your child’s awareness.
• Look for a moment when you notice your child is telling themself a negative message like “I can’t do it.” Use reflective listening for the unspoken message, such as, “I can see that you are telling yourself you can’t do it. Is that right? Telling yourself you can’t do it can hurt your chance of meeting your goal. How can we turn that message around to help you? What if you tried saying, ‘I can’t do this yet, but I can learn?”
• Ask and invite your child to think about how to reframe that self-talk.
• Reinforce your child’s response if it is positive, or provide ways to frame thinking in a positive way, such as, “I know if I work hard at this, I can figure it out.”
• Practice the new language together.
• Provide specific feedback when you see your child using that new language using “I notice…” statements.

Your daily routines allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve as you allow them to support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

The practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Allow your child the chance to take steps to meet their significant challenges, taking responsibility for their tasks or relationships — even when you know you could do it faster and better. For example, if your child is getting frustrated with learning to tie their shoes, try to leave extra time to get out the door. This will allow time for them to feel their frustration and then come back and try again without you feeling rushed and pressured to do it for them.
• Intentionally plan for opportunities that allow your child to practice growing confidence. For example, support your child in challenging themselves in specific ways, such as participating in a new activity or introducing themselves to other children at a park.
• Be sure to consider how to create conditions to support their success.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your child. Remember, if your child is upset and frustrated, you do not need to intervene to make the frustration disappear. You can help your child grow in confidence by being there to witness and validate their feelings, allowing them to learn they can handle uncomfortable feelings with your help.

At this point, you’ve taught your child how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, helping them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and failures) and helping them grow in taking responsibility.

Actions

• Initially, your child may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Ask them to demonstrate how they can work hard toward a goal. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “Show me you can introduce yourself when we arrive at the birthday party.”
• Don’t move on quickly if your child shows interest in trying something new. Children often need more time to stick with a challenge or pursue a goal. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can gain skills over time.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed how you took a brain break and then returned to your homework. That’s smart!”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is frustrated or feeling incapable, proactively remind your child of their strength. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember how you introduced yourself last week to a new friend? How can you use that experience here?”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like:
• “How are you feeling about your free time at school?” Offering a chance to talk about lunch and recess gives insight into your child’s social challenges.
• “How are you feeling about basketball team tryouts today? What positive things could you say to yourself before the tryout starts?

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You asked your teacher your questions about your assignment– that takes a lot of courage!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child knows what to expect, like “If you ask your teacher your questions about your assignment, you will get a treat on the drive home from school.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children are working to take healthy risks and grow confidence, a short, specific callout is all that’s needed: “I notice you took a deep breath, told yourself you could do it, and jumped off the diving board. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t expect significant accomplishments – like your child participating in new activities confidently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, snuggle together and read before bed after working through math homework. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to tell riddles or jokes together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. This tool allows children to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.