Responsibility for Your 5-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Five-year-olds are working on understanding what it means to act responsibly. They are:

• working to understand the rules and apply them in various settings.
• working on their independence.
• increasingly taking care of their bodies (eating right, getting exercise).
• learning about relationships (managing their feelings and impulses, empathizing and working through conflict, being dependable, and keeping promises).
• managing homework and extracurricular activities, and
• contributing to their household (doing chores, cooperating with rules and expectations).

They will also test boundaries, forget things, and break rules as they develop. When they do, they require guidance on approaching a hurt relationship, revisiting missed obligations, and repairing harm. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for learning how to take responsibility.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can choose to be purposeful and deliberate in teaching your child to act responsibly. Making responsible decisions can involve identifying problems, analyzing situations, solving problems, evaluating, reflecting, and considering the ethical implications or consequences of choices.

Acting responsibly is one of the most essential skills your child can learn from you. Research confirms that children are developing cause-and-effect thinking.¹ This directly impacts their capacity to take responsibility for their actions. Once they understand how their actions and decisions affect themselves and those around them, they will approach even the most minor things they do in their day with a sense of responsibility and pride. Such an important skill takes a lot of planning and practice for a parent or those in a parenting role to teach and many opportunities for a child to try out and redo before it is mastered.

As you utilize teachable moments that grow your child’s skills, your relationship with your child will be enriched, and they will advance in their ability to make responsible choices. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Responsibility?

Whether you are reviewing your morning routine with your five-year-old, your eight-year-old forgets to do a homework assignment, or your ten-year-old accidentally breaks a neighbor’s window, these situations are all opportunities to teach responsibility.

Today, in the short term, teaching responsibility can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your child make healthy, contributing choices, heal hurt relationships, and make up for mistakes made;
• your child having a greater understanding of the connection between their actions and the impact on themselves and others, and
• trust that your child is growing the ability to make good choices.

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching responsibility helps your child

• grow skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making;
• learn independence and self-sufficiency, and
• grow assertive communication skills to express their needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure.

Five Steps for Growing Responsibility

This five-step process helps you guide your child to make responsible choices. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about responsibility by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to their daily responsibilities so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and a sense of ownership);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day and
• will grow problem-solving skills.

Actions

Consider the daily responsibilities that may be appropriate for your child to take care of themselves, their possessions, and their relationships. Questions you could ask include:

• “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of yourself.” (brush teeth, shower, exercise)
  • “How’s that going?”
  • “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?”
  • “What can I do to help you?”
• “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of your possessions?” (pets, clothes, room)
  • “How’s that going?”
  • “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?”
  • “What can I do to help you?”
• “Tell me about what you are doing (or what needs to be done) to take care of your relationships?” (spending time with friends, connecting with family)
  • “How’s that going?”
  • “What are you doing (or could be done) on your own?” (sharing, including others)
  • “What can I do to help you?” (arranging playdate, reminders to call)

Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what is most concerning to your child without assuming your child shares your same thoughts, concerns, and feelings.

The fundamental purpose of teaching responsibility is to grow the skills of taking responsibility through constructive actions such as making healthy choices, caring for their environment and possessions, caring for their relationships, and repairing harm. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning about your child’s developmental milestones can help you have reasonable expectations for your child and provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building.

• Five-year-olds are working on understanding rules and routines. Consistency helps them feel a sense of stability. Though they may make messes, they are eager helpers, so this is an excellent time to begin guiding them to care responsibly for their possessions and environment.
• Six-year-olds may be more apt to question your rules. They thrive on encouragement. They can become critical of others and need experience and encouragement as they practice responsibility in growing relationships with kindness and inclusion.
• Seven-year-olds crave structure and may find changes to the schedule difficult. They may be moody and require adult reassurance as they practice responsibility.
• Eight-year-olds are more resilient when they make mistakes. The approval of their peers and teachers is significant.
• Nine-year-olds can become easily frustrated. They need directions that contain one instruction. They may worry about peer approval and their appearance and interests. They may be tough on themselves when they make a mistake.
• Ten-year-olds are developing a strong sense of right and wrong and fairness. They tend to be able to work through conflicts with friends more rapidly. Because they are keen to understand justice, they will also better understand the value when you guide them to repair harm.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills and problem-solving abilities and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.² This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences when unmet expectations are met.

Actions

• Model responsibility for your child. Find chances at a store, at the park, or during a routine at home where you can model responsibility. You could say, “It is our responsibility to pick up the space so it is ready for the next person.” Or, “I promised I would make cookies for the bake sale at school. It is my responsibility to get them there on time.”
• Call out responsibility when you see it — whether it involves an action your child has taken, another family member, or a neighbor. Children need lots of opportunities to become aware of how responsibility is demonstrated.
• Brainstorm ways you can take responsibility together. Generating ideas can add to your child’s confidence to make constructive choices. For example, you could say, “What are some ideas you have that would help to leave this space better than you found it?” “Let’s pick up the games we were playing before we leave. Can you think of anything else we should do before going?”
• Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Children ages 5-10 are still learning about feelings—notice and name feelings when a family member is showing an expression. Ask, don’t tell. “You look sad. Is that right?” Identifying feelings is the first step in successfully managing feelings and acting responsibly.
• Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s an example: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s another example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). “I-messages” help communicate the problem constructively.
• Teach your child how to repair harm. When they damage or break an object or hurt someone’s feelings, ask them what ideas they have to repair or replace the object or help heal the relationship. This could include apologizing, acting kindly for the other, writing a note, drawing a picture, or offering a hug. Gain your child’s input and allow them to decide how to repair harm in each situation.

Your daily routines allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the opportunity with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

The practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence and grows their ability to make constructive choices. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Allow your child opportunities to take responsibility for their tasks or relationships — even when you know you could do it faster or better. For example, if your child is getting frustrated with learning to tie their shoes, try to leave extra time to get out the door. This will allow time for them to feel their frustration and then come back and try again without you feeling rushed and pressured to do it for them.
• Proactively remind. Before your nighttime routine starts, you might say, “Remember how we talked about taking responsibility to get yourself ready for bed? What do you need to do to get ready for bed tonight? Brush teeth, get pajamas on, etc.?”
• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can take responsibility by improving things with your sister.”
• Offer limited and authentic choices. Offer your child a choice, even if small, “Will you talk to her directly or write her a note?” This can return a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought to make things better. That’s how you take responsibility and heal the relationship.”
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your child has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support to repair it. They may need to hold your hand through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.
• Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What happened today that made you happy?” or “What were the best moments in your day?” You should answer the questions as well. Children may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day, yet grateful thoughts are a central contributor to happiness and well-being.

At this point, you’ve taught your child some new strategies. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents or those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “You are going to see Julie today. How will you tell her you were sorry for your words yesterday?”
• Learn about development. Each new age will present differing challenges. Becoming informed regularly about what developmental milestones your child is working toward will offer you empathy and patience.
• Promote an “I can” belief. Your child needs to hear that you believe in their ability to take responsibility for their nighttime routine, turn their homework assignments in on time, or mend a friend’s hurt feelings. Your comments and reflections will matter significantly in how competent they feel to take responsibility for their actions.
• Foster friendships. Close friends can be an invaluable source of empathy and support for your child. If conflicts arise between your child and friends, reserve your judgment and coach toward making amends. Don’t step in and solve your child’s conflicts with their friends. Instead, involve them in the communication and coach them on problem-solving skills. The goal is to teach your child to take direct responsibility for their relationships.
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different healthy coping strategies can help offer additional support and motivation for your child.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after an inappropriate behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process and avoiding harm.
  • First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your feelings, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior.
  • Second, invite your child to discuss the expectations established in Step 2.
  • Third, consider a logical consequence of their actions as a teachable moment. Be certain to consider the following questions before making your decision: (1) What will you teach with this consequence? (2) Has a natural consequence already taken place, such as a friend turning away, a broken toy, or a failed grade? Sometimes, the natural consequence is more than enough, and you don’t need to impose yet another. (3) Will the logical consequence be connected to the poor choice so that you can teach cause and effect with the action?

Learning to take responsibility after making a poor choice takes time. Children ages 5-10 may need your ideas, support, and guidance several times since each situation will be unique. That’s okay. What’s important is that you work to understand their feelings, teach new behaviors, and practice while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child. Your relationship with your child is what is most important.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worth recognizing it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your child’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is crucial in promoting more of it. For example, “You fed the dog all week without being asked. I appreciate that!” Recognition can also include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child knows what to expect, like “If you complete your chores this morning, we will go for a bike ride this afternoon.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to buy a sucker if the child stops the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when your child shows responsibility and completes their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your child completing all agreed-upon chores without a reminder – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, snuggle together after a smooth bedtime routine and listen to some relaxing music. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, leave a special note of gratitude in their lunchbox.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role to use on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. This tool allows children to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.