Conflict for Your 6-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an important role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to nurture a healthy parent-child relationship, and growing your child’s skills to manage conflict provides a timely opportunity.

Conflict happens in families — between spouses, among siblings, and between parents and those in a parenting role and children. Arguing in family life is to be expected. How you argue and work through problems together can grow your child’s life skills so they are ready to grow and sustain healthy relationships beyond your family life. Children ages 5-10 will need to exercise and grow skills in listening, empathy, communication, and problem-solving to thrive. They will need to learn to stop and calm down before saying or acting in harmful ways. And they’ll have to learn to reflect on poor choices and take responsibility for their actions. If they cause harm, you will need to guide them to a better decision so that they learn how to mend physical or emotional damage done.

Everyone faces challenges in managing conflict. “You can’t tell me what to do!” your child may exclaim in embarrassment and frustration after riding a bike into a busy street. As your child develops, they will need to test their limits and the rules to internalize them. This testing can lead to challenges. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to help your child work through conflict in ways that grow their skills.

Why Conflict?

Whether it’s your five-year-old hitting an older brother in frustration, your seven-year-old refusing to get ready for school, or your nine-year-old arguing over play plans with a lifelong friend, establishing healthy ways of working through conflict that does not harm themself or others includes teaching your child vital skills that will grow confidence.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to manage conflict in healthy ways can create

• more significant opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment;
• trust in each other that you both have the competence to handle your relationships and responsibilities, and
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage.

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching your child the skills to manage conflict

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self;
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy.

Five Steps for Managing Conflict

This five-step process helps you and your child manage conflict. It also develops essential critical life skills in your child. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about managing conflict by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and
• will grow self-control, empathy, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Consider what challenges your child’s ability to manage conflict healthily. For example, if your child is hurt or feeling rejected, it’s a normal reflex for them to lash out in self-protection. Begin by considering the following:

• Ask how your child feels when arguing with a family member or friend.
  • “What gets you upset or mad at a friend or a family member?”
  • “What feelings do you experience?” (Name the multiple feelings that occur.) If your child is having trouble, you could help them by saying, “I noticed that your face got red, and you made a fist when you argued with your sister. Were you feeling mad and frustrated? Is that right? ”
  • “How does your body feel when you’re upset?” (Name how your child physically experiences being upset, whether it’s a red hot face or a racing heartbeat.) You can also use your experience to help your child be curious about how their body responds when upset. You may say, “I notice when I am upset, sometimes my stomach hurts, and other times I get real warm in my chest and face.”
• “Have you hurt another person’s feelings when you’ve argued? How did that feel?”
• “How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm the other person?”

As a parent or those in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that your child is learning to be in healthy relationships, including how to argue fairly. Because of your child’s learning and development, they will make mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their conflict management skills. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is experiencing and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill-building.

• Five-year-olds are working on understanding rules and routines. Consistency helps them feel a sense of stability and can help increase cooperation.
• Six-year-olds may be more apt to question your rules. They thrive on encouragement. They can become critical of others and need experience with kindness and inclusion.
• Seven-year-olds crave structure and may find changes to the schedule challenging. They may be moody and require reassurance from adults.
• Eight-year-olds are more resilient when they make mistakes. Their peers’ and teachers’ approval is very important.
• Nine-year-olds can become easily frustrated. They need directions that contain one instruction. They may worry about peer approval and their appearance and interests.
• Ten-year-olds are developing a strong sense of right and wrong and fairness. They tend to be able to work through conflicts with friends more rapidly.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, develops problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

Actions

• Hang up a picture of a traffic light to teach constructive conflict management skills as a game. Role-play and make it fun. Here’s the process.¹
  • Red Light – Stop and calm down.
    • Parent or those in a parenting role: Stand at one end of the room or yard and turn your back to the players. Have your children call out one common problem they face, and then they can start running toward you.
    • Flip around to face them and say, “Stop!” with your hand held out flat.
    • Now, ask everyone to breathe slowly, deeply, and loudly to practice calming down.
    • Yellow Light – Feel, communicate, and think.
    • The children walk and move toward you in slow motion.
    • Feel. Children say the problem and how they feel about it. Parents can respond by rephrasing what their children say into an “I-message,” such as, “I feel frustrated when you take my school supplies because I need to use them.”
    • Communicate. Set a positive goal: “We want to make sure everyone has the school supplies needed at homework time.”
    • Think of lots of solutions. Make sure all players get to contribute an idea for solving the problem. Then, think of the outcomes or consequences of various choices. Ask, “What might happen if we try….?”
• Green Light – Go, try, and reflect.
• Players can run toward you, tap you, and then pick a solution or idea most, if not all, like. Go try it out.
  • Be sure to reflect on it later: “How did it go? Would you change anything?”
• Teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing conflict is learning how to repair harm when they are part of the conflict/cause. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. We all have moments when we hurt another, but that next step matters in repairing the relationship.

• You are modeling and teaching your children vital lessons on repair when you make amends with your child after making mistakes. All parents or those in a parenting role have moments when they don’t feel proud of how they behaved toward their children. Use these moments to take responsibility and repair. You may say, “I’m sorry I ______. I had some stressful things happen at work, but that doesn’t make it okay for me to yell at you.” Some parents may worry that apologizing reduces their authority – it does not. Instead, you are modeling how to repair a relationship when one person hurts another and creating a stronger bond with your child; both help to set them up for healthy relationships today and in the future.

Daily disagreements allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard to constructively manage feelings, words, and choices.

The practice also provides essential opportunities to develop consequential thinking or the ability to think ahead to the impact of a particular choice and evaluate whether it’s a positive choice based on those reflections.

Actions

• Allow your child the chance to take steps to meet their significant challenges, taking responsibility for their relationships – even when you know you could do it faster and better. For example, take the time to allow your child to think of ways to repair harm rather than telling them to apologize.
• Be sure to consider how you can create the conditions to support their success (like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking) so your child learns to become their best problem solver.
• Be an emotional regulation ally. When children are young, they rely on caregivers to help them regulate their emotions while learning to manage the task independently. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you may see cues that your child is headed toward upset and conflict. Use these opportunities to connect and help calm your child’s nervous system. From a calmer place, your child will be more able to use the new skills they are learning to manage conflict successfully.
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your child has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support to repair it. They may need to hold your hand through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.
  • Start with asking your child questions. First, help them consider how their actions impacted others. You might ask, “How do you think your friend felt when you broke their toy?” And then help your child brainstorm how to repair harm. You might ask, “How do you want to repair the harm?” Ideas may include apologizing, fixing the toy, or buying a new toy.
• Resist forcing your child to apologize. Forcing a child to apologize teaches your child a memorized response. An apology may make you feel better, but it does not teach your child to accept responsibility for their actions or to begin to understand another’s feelings.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid offering direct solutions, going directly to the other in the conflict, or solving a problem for your child.

At this point, you’ve taught your child how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and applying logical consequences when appropriate. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, helping them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and conflicts) and helping them grow skills in taking responsibility.

Actions

• Initially, your child may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements and ask them to demonstrate how they can work to resolve a problem. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! You could say, “Show me you can work out your argument with your sister.”
• Recognize effort using “I notice” statements like, “I noticed how you talked to your sister about how you were feeling and then worked with her to agree. That’s excellent!”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is frustrated or feeling incapable, proactively remind your child of their strength. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember how you talked to your sister yesterday? You can use that same strategy with your friend today.”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like:
• “How are you feeling about your free time at school?” Offering a chance to talk about lunch and recess gives insight into your child’s social challenges.
• “Seems like you are holding onto angry feelings toward your friend. Have you talked to him yet? What options do you think you have?”
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your emotions, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 for managing conflict. Third, if you feel your child is not meeting these expectations (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a big impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “You took a deep breath when you got upset — that is a great idea!” Recognition can include nonverbal cues such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child knows what to expect, like “If you can demonstrate that you can share your new game with your sister, you will get 10 minutes of extra time to play.” (if you XX, then I’ll XX) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s intrinsic motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or those in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and your children are arguing. To avoid disaster, a parent or those in a parenting role offers to buy a sucker if the children stop the arguing). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the important reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children show signs they’re using skills you’ve been working on, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you asked your friend about how they are feeling. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the significant accomplishments – like your child using their calm down strategies independently – to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after reviewing the strategies on your child’s calm down strategies list, delight in a high five or a hug. Or, after everyone is ready for school in the morning without conflict, take a few minutes to listen to a favorite song together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent or those in a parenting role to use on many other issues and grows essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. This tool allows children to become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.