Routines for Your 7-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to foster a healthy parent-child relationship, and daily routines provide a great opportunity.

A routine is a set of activities that is done regularly. Children ages 5-10 are establishing critical habits like getting ready for school, completing their homework, and going to bed at night. These routines can have a lasting impact for a healthy future. Routines not only help your family move through the day smoothly and on time, they can have a significant impact on your child’s success.

Yet, everyone faces challenges in establishing routines. You may hear from your child, “Why do I have to go to bed when you get to stay up?”. While children may resist transitions when they have other goals in mind like wanting to play longer, using the steps below can help you navigate challenges with this skill.

The key to many parenting challenges, like establishing routines, is finding ways to communicate so that both your needs and your child’s needs are met. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Routines?

Establishing regular routines can help your family get through the day cooperatively while building vital skills in your child. Routines for children ages 5-10 might include:

• Morning routine (wake-up time, get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, prepare school bag, put on coat and shoes, walk to bus stop)
• After-school routine (take papers out of school bag, eat a snack, playtime with friends, complete chores and homework)
• Bedtime routine (bath, change into pajamas, brush teeth, read a book, go to bed)

Routines can help your child feel safe because they know what to expect and are better able to learn from the rich experiences you share together every day. Changes to your routine – expected and unexpected – can help your child learn to be flexible and practice adjusting to new situations when you guide them with confidence and sensitivity.

Today, in the short term, routines can create

• regular sleep habits, which help children perform better in school;
• structure to ease stress and increase cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks;
• feelings that your child can make sense of their world;
• a sense of mastery when your child repeats routines and knows what to expect; and
• added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and confidence;
• builds skills to handle unexpected challenges in life; and
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making.

Five Steps for Establishing Routines

This five-step process helps you and your child establish routines. It also builds important skills in your child. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about establishing routines by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to your daily routines so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has a greater interest in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine);
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership;
• will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day; and
• will grow their problem-solving skills.

Actions

• Consider which of your daily routines needs work – morning, homework, family dinner, bedtime? Questions you could ask include:
  • “Let’s think about our typical day. What do we need to do when we get up in the morning?” (brush teeth, eat breakfast)
  • “What do we like to do in the morning?” (watch a movie, play)
  • “What can be challenging when it’s bedtime and we stay up later than we planned?
    • Ask key questions about those specific challenges to really understand what’s challenging for your child. “I notice you tend to slow down when it’s time to get changed into your pajamas. Why is that time difficult for you?”
• Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “What do you notice? How do you feel?” If your child is feeling unsure about how to describe their feelings when a routine changes, consider asking questions, naming what you notice, and leaving plenty of quiet space after your questions so they have an opportunity to share their ideas.
  • “How did you feel when I told you we were going to do something different today?”
  • “I noticed you brought your book with you to Grandma’s house so we could still do that part of our bedtime routine.”
  • “I noticed you felt better when you saw that Grandma has the same kind of night light that we do.”
  • “How do you feel right now?”
• When reading books, point out routines that seem comforting and moments when those routines changed. Ask, “How do you think that character is feeling? What happened when their day changed?”

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that children are learning to perform everyday tasks with greater independence each year of their lives. Though your child may easily pull a shirt over their head, that same child might find it a challenge to tie their shoe. Learning about developmental milestones can help you know which tasks might be more difficult and will provide context for how you can best support them in their skill building.

• Five-year-olds are working on their fine motor skills and may find tasks like tying shoes or buttoning shirts somewhat challenging. They may need more support in these areas.
• Six-year-olds may be more likely to question your rules and refuse to proceed with the routine.
• Seven-year-olds crave structure, so they may not be able to deal well with a chaotic morning that does not follow the typical routine.
• Eight-year-olds may have a limited attention span, so if a task is too challenging, they may move on.
• Nine-year-olds may be highly competent with fine motor skills but can become easily frustrated; they need directions that contain one instruction.
• Ten-year-olds have bodies that are growing rapidly, so they require more movement; they also are developing a strong sense of right and wrong and fairness.

It is important to remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• After talking about the routine and its challenges in Step 1, brainstorm solutions to your identified challenges. For example, when talking about your morning routine, you may have identified that you tend to start repeating your request when it’s time to get dressed. Generate ideas together.
  • “What exactly about getting dressed is a challenge for you?”
  • “What ideas do you have to deal with those challenges?”

• Now write down or draw your plan with each simple step. Let your child do the writing or drawing so that they feel a sense of ownership in the plan you are developing.
  • For ages 5-7: Get out a poster board, a white board, or just plain paper and markers. Have your child or children write out their routine in the simplest terms such as: 1. Wake up! 2. Get dressed. (Younger children can draw instead.)
  • For ages 8-10: Create a checklist together of their routine on a whiteboard, paper, or even dry erase markers on a mirror work well. Children at this age enjoy checking off a list.
• Post their plan in a visible location.
• Teach your child how to perform the routine. Particularly if there are new responsibilities or challenges, be sure that you’ve tried those steps out together first. There is a simple process called interactive modeling that teachers use that can become a powerful teaching tool for parents and those in a parenting role.¹
  • Say what you will model or demonstrate and why.
  • Model or demonstrate the behavior.
  • Ask your child what they noticed.
  • Invite your child to try it.
  • Ask what they noticed with their own modeling.
  • Practice together.
  • Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.
• Make your thinking and feelings explicit. Talk about what you notice, how you are feeling, and why you are feeling it. “I love that you help me prepare our dinner each night. It is one of my favorite times of the day because I get to spend time with you.”
• Talk aloud about the ways in which you respond to your own big feelings: “It made me feel so much better to tell you how I was feeling and to ask for help.”
• Recognize effort. In addition to having consistent daily routines with your child, point out when they are following the routine on their own and when they are able to manage changes in the routine. “I noticed that you have been following your plan to get your backpack ready for school the night before, so you don’t feel rushed in the morning.” When something is different you might say, “I noticed you adjusted easily to our bedtime routine when we had guests staying with us. You knew how to handle that change, and it was not a big deal at all.”

Your daily routines can be opportunities for your child to practice new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child performs the routine. Forming habits and changing behaviors may take weeks or even months. Although it may feel tempting to abandon the new routine, continue to practice, gain more input, reteach, and adjust in order for lasting change to occur.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

When experiencing daily routines, it is important to notice how comfortable it feels to know what to expect and follow the routine. It is also important to plan ahead for expected changes in the routine and to talk about how hard it can be when unexpected changes occur. Help your child develop strategies for handling change and remind them that their trusted adults are always there to help.

Actions

• Learn about your child’s development. Each new age presents different challenges. Being informed about your child’s developmental milestones promotes your empathy and patience.
• Allow your child the chance to try out the routine, taking responsibility for their own tasks, even when you know you could do it faster and better.
• Be sure to consider how you can create the conditions to support their success (like making sure they wake up with enough time to complete their morning routine).
• If there is part of a routine that is not working, talk with your child about ways that you might change your plan for it to work better. “It seems to take a really long time for you to decide which books to read for bedtime. I am usually feeling tired then, and it is hard for me to be patient while you choose. Is there something we can do to help you choose the books more quickly? Could we choose them in the morning? What do you think we should try tonight?”
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your child.

At this point, you are developing routines and allowing your child to practice so they can learn how to stick to the plan of their usual routine and be flexible enough to manage changes. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Ask them to demonstrate tasks or even the whole routine for you. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off!
• Recognize effort by using “I notice” statements like, “I notice how you went in to brush your teeth after breakfast without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!”
• On days with extra challenges that make completing routines harder, proactively remind your child to help them be successful. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember our next step? What is it?”
• Actively reflect on how routines are going. You can ask questions like:
  • “How are you feeling when it’s time to get dressed? Is it working to select your clothes in the morning, or do you need to set them out the night before?”
  • “It seems like you got to bed later than we hoped last night. Were you feeling tired today? Did you have a hard time paying attention in class?”
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, recognize your own feelings and practice a calm down strategy. It helps to know which calm down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, when you are in control of your emotions and feeling calm, you are able to apply logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child into a discussion about the expectations established in Step 2 for the routine. Third, if you feel that your child is not keeping the agreement that was made (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), then look for a logical consequence that has or will naturally occur to reflect on, such as a sibling’s hurt feelings over mean words. Then, as you reflect, you might ask, “how can you heal your sister’s hurt feelings?” Your child can think through what they might do or say to repair harm. Or, you might apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment. One example of a logical consequence during a morning routine that’s gone awry might be to encourage your child to apologize to their teacher for being late for school and make a plan together to begin your morning routine earlier the next day.
• Be patient and avoid criticism. Children often need more time to perform tasks that challenge them even if you believe they are simple and don’t require much time. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to do what you need them to do.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement has a big impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be beneficial to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways you can reinforce your child’s efforts. It is important to distinguish between three different types of reinforcement – recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example,“You set out your clothes and backpack last night, so you were not rushed this morning. I really appreciate that!” Recognition can also include nonverbal acknowledgement such as a smile, a hug, or a high five.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined ahead of time so that the child knows what to expect like, “If you complete your nighttime routine before your bedtime, we will play a board game together before bed” (if you XX, then I’ll XX). It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child to progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s intrinsic motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or one in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the morning when a child is having a tantrum and is going to be late for school and a parent or someone in a parenting role is going to be late for work. To avoid disaster, a parent or someone in a parenting role offers to give the child their favorite granola bar if they will stop the tantrum and get in the car). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when it is going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when all is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the important reinforcement that you see and values the choice your child has made. For example, when your child is showing responsibility and completing their homework routine on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Excellent job!”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for the big accomplishments – like your child completing their entire morning routine without a reminder – in order to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after a smooth bedtime routine, snuggle together and listen to some relaxing music. Or, in the morning once ready for school, leave a special note in their lunchbox.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making.