Following Directions for Your 11-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Eleven-year-olds require the ability to follow directions to succeed at home and school. Whether they are completing chores, following safety instructions, completing assignments, or showing their knowledge on tests, they will need to be able to follow directions. Though telling your child to do something may seem simple enough, listening and engaging in several steps in instruction necessitates many brain functions in addition to motivational factors. 

Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen are working on understanding what it means to act responsibly. They are working to understand the rules and apply them in various settings. They are working on their independence. They are increasingly caring for their bodies (eating right, getting exercise). They are learning about relationships (managing their feelings and impulses, empathizing and working through conflict, being dependable, and keeping promises). They meet school requirements (manage homework and extracurriculars) and contribute to the household in which they live (do chores and cooperate with rules and expectations).

They are also working to define their identity. As they develop, as part of their growing self-awareness and self-management, they will test boundaries, forget things, and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on approaching a hurt relationship, revisiting missed obligations, and repairing harm. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for learning how to take responsibility.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can be deliberate in offering instructions to help your child/teen follow directions. Understanding multiple-step directions engages their short-term and complex working memory, an executive function that requires practice and development over time. In the case of short-term memory, you might ask your child/teen, “Would you complete your homework before dinner, get your shower done after dinner, and be in bed by nine, please?” They need to remember those three items as they move on to their homework. In an academic setting, as another example, a teacher may say, “At the end of our class, I’ll give you time to take out your pencils, read the directions at the top of the page, and fill in only questions 3. and 5.” Students have to retain that information as the teacher moves on to other topics and also plan for what they will need to do when they come to the time when they have to implement the teacher’s instructions. This expectation utilizes complex working memory and can be challenging for students.¹

Following directions can involve all five core social and emotional competencies. Children/teens may need to know their strengths and limitations (self-awareness) to complete the tasks given. They must use their self-management skills to wait and focus on what’s been instructed when necessary. They may require social awareness or empathy as they work to understand the needs, feelings, and thoughts of the one giving them directions. They will use their relationship skills by listening actively to what’s required. They will also use their responsible decision-making skills to decide whether and how to follow through with a request or instruction.

Some parents and those in a parenting role may feel frustrated and even angry when their children/teens do not follow their directions as they requested. A parent may perceive that a child/teen who is not following their directions is being defiant or disrespectful, when in reality, there may be another reason for the behavior. There are several factors to consider when a child/teen does not follow a direction. When faced with this situation, a parent may ask themselves:

• Does the child/teen have the capacity and skills to follow the directions?
• Does the child/teen have any barriers to completing the tasks given, including motivational or environmental obstacles (like, for example, a sibling distracting them or a fear of failure or criticism)?
• Have you communicated in ways that a child/teen can best understand, listen to, retain, and act successfully?

Building a trusting relationship can provide the foundational safety and motivation for your child/teen to follow directions. Using teachable moments that grow your child’s/teen’s skills can be transformational in preparing them to follow directions at home and school. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why follow directions?

When your eleven-year-old can’t seem to remember to brush their teeth before bedtime without multiple reminders or your thirteen-year-old appears to forget what you’ve asked them or to do the moment they leave your sight, these situations are opportunities to support your child/teen in following directions.

Today, in the short term, preparing your child/teen for following directions can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen retain calm and focus
• a greater understanding of the connection between your child’s/teen’s feelings and their behaviors
• competence in managing, focusing on, and executing multiple requests
• trust each other that you are helping them learn and act in ways that will help them succeed at home and school

Tomorrow, in the long term, following directions will help your child/teen

• build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• learn independence and self-sufficiency

Five Steps for Following Directions

This five-step process helps you understand the motivation for and build the skills in your child/teen to follow directions. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Three essential factors can influence a child/teen’s ability to follow through fully on directions. First, they must feel they have the skills and ability to perform the task they are asked to perform. Some will be willing to try a new task without much practice, but others may feel they require competence before performing a task. Second, they must be able to retain the request (working memory), especially if there are multiple steps or asks in the request. Finally, they will also require motivation to follow through on the given tasks. The conditions for motivation come from a safe, trusting relationship but can also be influenced by their feelings.

You can ask questions to gauge whether these conditions have been met so that your child/teen is ready to follow directions.

Actions

You might ask your child/teen:

• Have you done this task before? If not, do you need to practice together or other support while trying it out?
• If they have done it before, what was your experience last time you did this task? How did you feel about it?
• Can you recall the three steps I asked you to take?
• How do you feel about doing this task?

Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen are still learning to understand their feelings (especially when they have many or some that conflict), other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. So they may not be able to answer that question fully. This feelings list can help. They will need your support to figure this out. When you and your child/teen are calm, reflect on their feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

• “Do they have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help to be successful at something they are trying to do.
• You can ask them about how they are feeling.
  • “I noticed your eyes widened when I asked you to finish your homework. Are you worried you won’t understand your homework?” 
  • “I asked you to grab three things from the closet, and you looked confused. Do you know which items I meant?”
• Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to your child’s/teen’s concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your child/teen is communicating. Sometimes, we can identify the feelings behind their words, including a fear of failure.
  • Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is a meaningful way to check your understanding while teaching children how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this:
    • Child/teen: “I’m taking care of things, Mom.”
    • Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear you are taking care of things.” 
    • If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can reflect back the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I can hear also that you might be feeling frustrated that I’m reminding you about your homework.”
• Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child/teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now, ask, “How does your body feel when you are frustrated?” Every person’s physical experience will be different. Find out how your child/teen feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.

If Your Child/Teen Has Not Followed Your Directions…

If your child/teen has already shown that they are unable or unwilling to follow your directions, you could feel frustrated or even angry. So, step back before you move forward with these questions. Before you can get input from your child/teen to understand (and help them understand) their feelings, you both need to be calm. Your child/teen will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

• Ask yourself if your child/teen is hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or offer to have your child/teen take some time to rest.
• Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes.
• If your child’s/teen’s basic needs, such as hunger or tiredness, are not an issue, take additional steps to help them calm down. This might involve offering a hug or helping them take deep breaths.
• Teach your child/teen positive ways to seek control or power. How can they demonstrate responsibility by caring for their possessions or caring for a sibling? Each time your child/teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.
• Is your teen lacking agency and trying to gain some power? Self-power is an essential human need. So, look for chances to offer choices and ask questions versus telling or directing.

The fundamental purpose of following directions is to grow new skills and the ability to persevere when requests are made that align with your child’s/teen’s success. Learning new skills requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning about your child’s/teen’s developmental milestones can help you have reasonable expectations for them.²

• Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence, imagining themselves in adult roles. As they grow their social awareness, being able to better see from another person’s perspective, they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and may exclude others to gain popularity. Children/teens can begin to break the rules to fit in.
• Twelve-year-olds, as they gain confidence and leadership abilities, are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness. They also have a lot of energy and need sleep, so they may have less resilience when they stay up late and are more run down by stress. This can add to conflict.
• Thirteen-year-old boys will be in the middle of puberty, while girls will be almost entirely physically developed. Both genders can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes. They can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. Mood swings are characteristic of this age. They will feel an ever greater sense of peer pressure, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance, including hopes for your approval. They are competent in contributing to a household’s care but may have difficulty with time commitments.
• Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They may enjoy academic challenges until they feel overwhelmed or underprepared. Then, they may claim they are “bored” to save their reputation, but in reality, they are stressed that they are not competent. These social pressures can work, at times, in conflict with taking responsibility.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to reflect on meaningful, logical consequences if expectations are unmet.

Actions

• Teach your child/teen the skills required to follow your directions. Did you ask him to pull weeds in the garden? Demonstrate first (watching you enact the skill increases their ability to act!).
• If there are written directions, read them together and follow the steps together. Or, if you are asking your child/teen to perform a task for the first time, do it together to ensure they feel competent on their own the next time you ask.
• If you are trying to establish a routine, ask your child/teen if a checklist would help them remember the steps. Work with your child/teen to create the checklist and post it in a visible location, such as the bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or bedroom door. When it is time for the instructions or routine, you can empower your child/teen by asking, “What is next on your checklist?” instead of instructing them what is next.
• Model active listening while interacting with your child/teen. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools.
• Try out active listening together. Ask your child/teen to tell you one thing that was funny at school. Listen carefully without distraction to fully understand what they are saying, and wait until they are finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” or “I hear you.” Make eye contact and practice placing your entire focus on the speaker. Now switch and have your child/teen ask about one funny thing at work and listen to you.
• Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your child/teen will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”
• Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to the content of what your child/teen says, also see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.
• Paraphrase. Try out the skill of paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check your listening accuracy and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. You might start by saying, “I heard you say that…” Model it, and then have your child/teen try it.
• Seek clarification. Mainly, if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Model seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?” After you model this, allow your child/teen to try it out.
• Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. You can make it a fun acting skit showing what poor listening and good listening look like. Start by having one person act out what poor listening skills look like. Exaggerate and make it funny! Then, reflect and ask: “What did you notice about their body language?” Next, another person should model good listening skills. Then, reflect and ask questions like: “What did they do? How did their body change?”
• Work on your family’s feelings vocabulary. Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen are still learning about feelings—notice and name feelings when a family member shows an expression to offer plenty of practice. Ask, don’t tell. “Dad, you look sad. Is that right?” Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.
• Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s an example: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s another example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. It makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen performs a new action.

Actions

• Communicate directions in ways that can be well-heard and understood. Get physically on your child’s/teen’s level. Make eye contact. Use the action verb first in a direct, simple sentence. “Rinse out your bowl and then put it in the dishwasher.” Use visuals like motions, hand signals, drawings, or written lists.
• Work up to multi-step directions. Practice a two-step direction and see how it goes. If successful, move up to a three-step direction.
• Accept feelings. They will play a role in whether or not your child/teen is motivated to follow your directions. If you will help them manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings — even ones you don’t like. When your child/teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better? Would your calm down space help you feel better?” Then, try the directions again after the calm-down space has helped.
• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can make your bed, get breakfast, and put on shoes in the morning on time.” This practice will offer valuable practice in enacting a multi-step routine.
• Offer limited and authentic choices when communicating directions. Offering them an option, even if small – “Do you want to do your homework sitting at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?” – can return a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you listened to the full directions, and you remembered what to do. That’s excellent!”
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your child/teen has caused harm by not following your directions, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support to repair it. They may need your guidance through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some new strategies. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, reflecting on logical consequences. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask key questions to support their skills. For example, “How are you feeling about school today? What will help you focus on the teacher’s directions?”
• Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing challenges, stress, frustration, and anger. We, as adults, can be more empathetic and patient when we understand what our children/teens are attempting to learn.
• Promote an “I can” belief. Children/teens need to hear that you believe in their ability to learn anything with time and hard work.
• Foster a safe, trusting relationship. When your child/teen does not follow directions, be sure you assume that they have more learning to do instead of assuming defiance. Get curious and find out what’s going on for them.
• Stay engaged. Work together on ideas for new and different ways to communicate directions or instructions. That can offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when challenging issues arise.

Learning new behaviors to replace inappropriate behaviors takes time. Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen will likely not do it right the first time every time (or sometimes, even the second or third!). That’s okay! What’s important is that you approach following directions with an open mind and heart to understand what support is needed, whether skill building, understanding feelings, teaching new behaviors, or practicing while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child/teen. Your healthy, supportive, loving relationship is what is most important.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You asked for help understanding what I was asking of you—I love that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child/teen knows what to expect, like “If you do your chores, you will get a treat when you finish.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Through this tool, children/teens can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.