Homework for Your 13-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and setting up a daily homework routine provides a perfect opportunity.

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are in the process of adapting early school-age learning habits to their more demanding workload. They are establishing critical learning habits that will extend throughout their school years, including how they approach homework assignments. For most children/teens, homework is a nightly reality. Research shows that a parent or someone in a parenting role plays a key role. Children/Teens with a parent or someone in a parenting role supporting learning at home and engaged in their school community have more consistent school attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those children/teens without such involvement.¹ Indeed, parental involvement best predicts students’ academic achievement.

Yet, there are challenges. You may discover outdated and uncompleted assignments crumpled in your child’s/teen’s backpack. Your child/teen may procrastinate on a long-term project until it becomes a crisis the night before it’s due. Questioning their work may result in arguments when they have other goals.

While getting a regular homework routine going might be challenging, it can be a positive experience and promote valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support a homework routine cooperatively without a daily battle.

Why Homework?

Children/Teens ages eleven to fourteen will require managing a larger and more complex workload and need new study skills. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. Their homework assignments can become a daily challenge if you don’t create regular routines with input from your children/teens in advance, clarify roles and responsibilities, and establish a plan for success.

Today, in the short term, homework routines can create

• greater cooperation and motivation
• more significant opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success
• trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care
• less frustration due to better organization, space, and resources
• opportunities to learn about your child’s/teen’s school curriculum

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

• builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting
• builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence
• gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency
• develops positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success

Five Steps for Creating a Homework Routine

This five-step process helps your family establish a homework routine and builds essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child/teen thinking about establishing a homework routine by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to homework better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

• has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time
• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine)
• will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning — their homework

Actions

• Allowing your child/teen some choices in establishing a homework routine will add to your child’s/teen’s sense of control and motivation. Questions you could ask to understand their preferences better include:
  • “When is the best time for you to do homework?” 
  • “What things (like having a snack and taking breaks) help you finish your homework?” 
• Prepare for difficulties. Ask, “I know you’ve missed completing assignments in the past. What helps you stay on top of homework, and what gets in your way?”
• Experiment to figure out your plan. Since your child/teen has changed since their younger years along with the demands of their homework, it’s an ideal time to revisit the question of when your child/teen feels they’ll be at their best to tackle homework in the hours after school. They could have greater complexities than ever before, with extracurriculars encroaching on free time, so there may not be much opportunity for choice in the timing. But, if there is, try different times to see what works best with their energy. Everyone has different energy cycles and times when they feel better able to focus, so work on discovering that rhythm with your child/teen, and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success!
• Once you agree upon a time that makes sense for all, your attempts to keep homework sacred and consistent will ensure it becomes a habit and routine. If you are consistent, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your child/teen knows what to expect and when to expect it.
  • Take note of when your child/teen has said it is their best time to do homework. Set a timer to go off at that time. Instead of you calling, “Time for homework!” which may incite a battle, an inanimate object is alerting them. You can use a kitchen timer outside or inside or collaboratively set an alarm on your cell phone or iPad.
  • If your child/teen has decided to do homework right after school, provide a healthy, high-protein snack first (peanut butter crackers, cheese sticks, and apples). The social stress and expectations of school may be draining and could affect a child’s/teen’s motivation to continue working hard through the evening. Be sure they have the fuel necessary (through proper nutrition and a good night’s rest) to get through their work.
  • If you cannot offer a choice in the time of day homework is completed, then find another choice your child/teen can make. For example, you could allow them to decide what space they use or what snack they will have to accompany homework completion. Adding some level of choice to the process will prevent arguments and help your child/teen take ownership.
• Set up a space. Take some time to determine a consistent space for homework completion. You may look for
  • a well-lit location
  • proximity to your family’s living space or kitchen (wherever you’ll typically be so that you are never far to offer support)
  • a solid work surface that can get dirty (they may need to make a mess; pick a durable surface)
• Work with your child/teen to get the space ready. You’ll want to set up the space with:
  • school supplies, including loose-leaf paper, pens, pencils, pencil sharpeners, a dictionary, and any other items you anticipate they might need
  • no clutter (A disorganized environment can distract from their focus. eliminate clutter, organize tools, and only have the essentials. Invest in a few supply holders to keep tools neat and ready.)
  • a binder or bin or other receptacle designated for school papers that are brought home and stay at home
  • a water bottle
• A homework space aims to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your child/teen to focus entirely on the work. In this way, they’ll know what they can expect. You won’t have frustrations like not being able to find a school tool. And they’ll learn to take greater responsibility for their learning as they work with you to organize this space.
• Make it fun! Designing a homework spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your child/teen to pick out their own organization bins and school tools. They could make a sign with their name to designate the space. Or, create a poster with an inspirational saying like, “Good things come from hard work!” Take a little time to label your new supply holders with names, stickers, or drawings to allow your child/teen to personalize them. All this can be motivating.
• When offering choices in designing a homework space that works best for your child/teen, they may prefer to set up their workspace in their bedroom because of their developmental desire for greater independence and privacy. If they do this, make sure you stop in a few times to offer your support. Also, clear boundaries and distinctions should be established between screen time for homework and entertainment/socializing screen time.
• Create a family homework rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect homework time. Consider whether you want all siblings to do homework simultaneously or not. If you want everyone to do homework simultaneously, consider what must happen to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a homework rule that each will respect the person focused on their work and be quiet in that area of the house.
• If your child/teen is prone to feeling overwhelmed by homework, you can scaffold your child/teen by breaking the work into chunks. Set a timer for fifteen minutes of work and then take a five-minute brain break. Fifteen-minute chunks will help the task feel more doable.
• Support your child’s/teen’s persistence skills with praise. “I know it was hard to come inside from playing. I am impressed by how you are tackling things now.” Even if the transition to doing homework was challenging, remember to highlight any behaviors that move in the direction you are seeking more of. Many parents forget to acknowledge the baby steps toward the goal behavior.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that your child/teen is learning new study skills, including project management, organization, and planning. Though they may be assigned work they are capable of doing; they may not be prepared to manage the larger workload. Because so much is new, expectations are greater, and they feel they should already know it all; they can become overwhelmed and frustrated. Learning about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working on can help you know which tasks might be more difficult. Here are some examples related to homework.²

• Eleven-year-olds have lots of physical energy to expend, so they may need some time after school to move. They tend to desire to stay up late, which can intrude on school goals, so set clear limits on screen times before bed and establish bedtimes based on reasonable sleep requirements. Eleven-year-olds require 9 to 11 hours of sleep, depending upon the individual.³
• Twelve-year-olds are undergoing a significant growth spurt, so they’ll also require nutritious food and their required night’s sleep. They thrive with leadership opportunities, so when you see those chances or can reframe assignments in terms of leadership, that’s ideal. Twelve-year-olds are gaining more sophisticated ideas about themselves, others, and the world, and they will be eager to share those ideas with their parents, so your listening ear is essential.
• Thirteen-year-olds can become particularly sensitive to real or perceived criticism from you or your classmates. They can become moody. They are seeking their independence and are ready for more freedom. Look for ways to offer independence and freedom paired with the new responsibilities accompanying those chances.
• Fourteen-year-olds may feel and act like they “know it all,” but they still look to you to set clear boundaries and to offer guidance. They may distance themselves, requiring greater independence. Your job as parents is to realize this and not take it personally. Be there to listen with an open mind when they are ready to talk. They may be highly resistant to what they might view as adult lectures. However, they may be more willing to admit when they have made a mistake, which can be a great asset at homework time. They are eager to investigate the larger world, so assignments can be highly engaging if related to that interest.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your child’s/teen’s homework. Here are some specific ways to define your role while ensuring your child/teen wholly owns their learning process.

• When your child/teen calls you over to ask about a problem, ask prompting questions such as:
  • “What is your guess about the answer?”  
  • “Is there another place you could find the answer?” 
  • “Is there another way to think about your answer?” 
  • Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer.
• Lead your child/teen to resources. Though you may feel like you’ve redirected your child/teen multiple times to the resources in front of them, treating each experience as a fresh opportunity to search for answers can help both of you keep an open mind about the work at hand. Frequently, homework will relate to the resources they already have from school — whether it’s a novel or a textbook. So, when they just can’t find an answer and ask for your help, guide them back to their text. Take a look together. Here are a few essential tips:
  • Focus on keywords so that they, too, can learn to spot keywords.
  • Attempt to read and review together. Because the text is denser and more complex, children/teens may feel overwhelmed with information and need help focusing on the most important points.
  • Ask your child/teen which points are most important when discussing a problem.
  • Have them underline or highlight those words in the instructions or in the specific question they are trying to answer so that you have a focus point.
• Research together. If you cannot find the source of the problem in your child’s/teen’s books, do some online research together. But be sure you allow your child/teen to drive the process. You might ask, “What should we look up or search for together?” These are the first seeds of solid research skills.
• Teach the essential “brain break.” Breaks do not represent weakness or a lack of persistence. Human brains work better if they are given frequent breaks. Their young minds need processing time, particularly as they face taking in so much new information. In addition, the pressure of academic expectations can build. Their feelings may spill over to homework when they are safe at home with you (and do not need to keep it together as much as at school).
• You might ask, “What else makes you feel better and comforted when frustrated?” Brainstorm a brief list of spaces, places, things, and actions that offer comfort when frustrated. Leave that list in your school tool homework space. It will serve as an ongoing resource when brain breaks are required.
• It’s a common challenge of homework time – particularly for middle school-age students – to want to avoid failure and to fear making mistakes. In reality, because homework is practice, it is intended as a time to try out an answer, get it wrong, and try again. Hang a sign near your homework spot to remind your child/teen, “Mistakes are part of learning.”
• You do not need to be a subject matter expert. If you cannot get the correct answer, take a step back. Realize that you are stealing a learning opportunity from your child/teen. Ask yourself how you can provide guidance and support for them to answer the question or solve the problem themselves (even if they get it wrong).

Homework practice can be cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child/teen practices.

Actions

• Use “I’d love to challenge you…” statements. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love to pose a challenge to see if you can focus on math homework for the next seven minutes. Let’s set a timer.” This can be used when you are in the after-school routine and need that alert to move on to homework.
• Letting your child/teen be the teacher can be empowering. You can say, “I don’t know much about _____. Can you share with me what you have learned?” 
• Do a “brain break” dry run. In the midst of homework one night, maybe at a natural breaking point, practice a “brain break.” Practice moving away from homework. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and sniff the fresh air. Then, go back and ask, “Do you feel refreshed and ready, or do you need a little more time?” If they need more time, ask what would make them feel better. Perhaps getting a snack or taking a walk might do the trick? This practice is super important if you plan to use it as a tool when your child/teen is upset.
• Recognize effort. Frequently, children/teens get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on getting better? Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you got to work this afternoon when the timer sounded without me asking – that’s taking responsibility!” 
• Proactively remind. The challenges in a homework routine often recur daily and are predictable. You might know exactly what they are and when they will happen. So just before they do, remind them gently, non-publicly. You may whisper in your child’s/teen’s ear, “Remember what we can do next to figure out the problem? What is it?”

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen several new positive learning habits so that they understand how to perform them. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Promote a learning attitude. Show confidence that your child/teen can learn anything with time and practice (because they genuinely can!). Your comments and reflections will significantly affect their competence in meeting any learning challenge.
• Ask critical questions when your child/teen has challenges. You could say, “It looks like you feel stuck. Is there another way you could approach the problem? How are you feeling about homework tonight?”
• Coach on communications. You might notice your child/teen having a hard time and getting stuck even with your support. You might then say, “It seems like you are having trouble figuring this problem out and cannot find the answer in your resources. Are there resources we haven’t thought about? This would be a good time to ask your teacher about this problem. How might you ask for help?”
• Stay engaged. It can be motivating for a child/teen when a parent does their own paperwork alongside them, keeping them company. Working together, after all, is much more enjoyable than working alone.
• Allow for and reflect on real-world consequences. If you see a mistake on your child’s/teen’s worksheet, don’t correct it. You’ll be taking away a valuable learning opportunity. You could leave it alone or ask once, “Do you feel like this is right, or are you having difficulty with it?” If your child/teen confirms it’s the answer they want to give, then allow them the experience of their teacher correcting it. It’s a significant learning opportunity. It may open the door to extra support from their teacher.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You took a brain break and came back and worked through that challenging problem—that was a great idea!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child/teen knows what to expect. It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child/teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a child’s/teen’s internal motivation if used too often.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s/teen’s choice. For example, when children/teens complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child/teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, snuggle and read before bed after getting through your bedtime routine. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Through this tool, children/teens can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.