Following Directions for Your 18-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

Eighteen-year-olds require the ability to follow directions to succeed at home, school, and their job. Whether they are completing homework, following safety instructions, or showing their knowledge on tests, they will need to be able to follow directions. Though telling your teen to do something may seem simple, listening and engaging in several steps given in an instruction necessitates several brain functions in addition to motivational factors.

Teens ages fifteen to nineteen are working on understanding what it means to act responsibly. They are working to understand the rules and apply them in various settings. They are working on their independence. They increasingly care for their bodies (eating right, getting exercise). They are learning about relationships (managing their feelings and impulses, empathizing and working through conflict, being dependable, and keeping promises). They meet school requirements (manage homework and extracurriculars) and contribute to the household in which they live (do chores and cooperate with rules and expectations).

They are also working to define their identity. As they develop, as part of their growing self-awareness and self-management, they will test boundaries, forget things, and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on approaching a hurt relationship, revisiting missed obligations, and repairing harm. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for learning how to take responsibility.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can be deliberate in offering instructions to help your teen successfully follow directions. Understanding multiple-step directions engages their short-term and complex working memory, an executive function that requires practice and development over time. In the case of short-term memory, you might ask your teen, “Would you complete your homework before dinner, get your shower done after dinner, and be in bed by nine, please?” They need to remember those three items as they move on to their homework. In an academic setting, as another example, a teacher may say, “At the end of our class, I’ll give you time to take out your pencils, read the directions at the top of the page, and fill in only questions 3. and 5.” Students have to retain that information as the teacher moves on to other topics and also plan for what they will need to do when they come to the time when they have to implement the teacher’s instructions. This expectation utilizes complex working memory and can be challenging for students.¹

Following directions can involve all five core social and emotional competencies. Teens may need to be aware of their strengths and limitations (self-awareness) to complete the tasks given. They must use their self-management skills to wait and focus on what’s been instructed when necessary. They may require social awareness or empathy as they work to understand the needs, feelings, and thoughts of the one giving them directions. They will use their relationship skills by listening actively to what’s required. They will also use their responsible decision-making skills to decide whether and how to follow through with a request or instruction.

Some parents and those in a parenting role may feel frustrated and even angry when their teens do not follow their directions as they requested. A parent may perceive that a teen who is not following their directions is defiant or disrespectful, but in reality, there may be another reason for the behavior.  There are several factors to consider when a teen does not follow a direction. When faced with this situation, a parent may ask themselves:

• Does your teen have the total capacity and skills to follow the directions?
• Does your teen have any barriers to completing the tasks, including motivational or environmental (for example, a sibling distracting them or a fear of failure or criticism)?
• Have you communicated in ways that a teen can best understand, listen to, retain, and act successfully?

Building a trusting relationship provides your teen’s foundational safety and motivation to follow directions. Using teachable moments that grow your teen’s skills can be transformational in preparing them to follow directions at home and school. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Following Directions?

When your fifteen-year-old can’t seem to remember to turn in their homework assignments without multiple reminders or your seventeen-year-old appears to forget what you’ve asked them to do the moment they leave your sight, these situations are opportunities to support your teen in following directions.

Today, in the short term, preparing your teen to follow directions can create

• a sense of confidence that you can help your teen retain calm and focus
• a greater understanding of the connection between your teen’s feelings and their behaviors
• competence in managing, focusing on, and executing multiple requests
• trust each other that you are helping them learn and act in ways that will help them succeed at home and school

Tomorrow, in the long term, following directions will help your teen

• build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• learn independence and self-sufficiency

Five Steps for Following Directions

This five-step process helps you understand your teen’s motivation for following directions and build the necessary skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about it).

Three essential factors can influence a teen’s ability to follow through fully on your directions. First, they must feel they have the skills and ability to perform the task they are asked to perform. Some will be willing to try a new task without much practice, but others may feel they require competence before performing a task. Second, they must be able to retain the request (working memory), especially if there are multiple steps or asks in the request. Finally, they will also require motivation to follow through on the given tasks. The conditions for motivation come from a safe, trusting relationship but can also be influenced by their feelings.

You can ask questions to gauge whether these conditions have been met so your teen is ready to follow directions.

Actions

You might ask your teen:

• Have you done this task before? If not, do you need to practice together or other support while trying it out?
• If they have done it before, what was your experience last time you did this task? How did you feel about it?
• Can you recall the three steps I asked you to take?
• How do you feel about doing this task?

Teens ages fifteen to nineteen are still learning to understand their feelings (especially when they have many or some that conflict), other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. So, they may or may not be able to fully answer the question about how they feel. This feelings list can help. They will need your support to figure this out. When you and your teen are calm, reflect on their feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

• “Do they have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help to be successful at something they are trying to do.
• You can ask them about how they are feeling.
  • “I noticed your eyes widened when I asked you to finish your homework. Are you worried you won’t understand your homework?” 
  • “I asked you to grab three things from the closet, and you looked confused. Do you know which items I meant?”
• Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to your teen’s concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your teen is communicating. Sometimes, we can identify the feelings behind their words, including a fear of failure.
  • Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is a meaningful way to check your understanding while teaching teens how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this:
    • Teen: “I’m taking care of things, Mom.”
    • Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear you are taking care of things.” 
    • If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I can hear also that you might be feeling frustrated that I’m reminding you about your homework.”
• Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now, ask, “How does your body feel when you are frustrated?” Every person’s physical experience will be different. Find out how your teen feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.

If Your Teen Has Not Followed Your Directions…

If your teen has already shown that they are unable or unwilling to follow your directions, you could feel frustrated or even angry. So, step back before you move forward with these questions. Before you can get input from your teen to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. They will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

• Ask yourself if they are hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or ask them to take some time to rest.
• Think about how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes.
• If basic needs like hunger or tiredness are not issues, take additional steps to help them calm down. This might involve offering a hug or helping them take deep breaths.
• Teach your teen positive ways to seek control or power. How can they demonstrate responsibility by caring for their possessions or caring for a sibling? Each time your teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.
• Is your teen lacking agency and trying to gain some power? Self-power is an essential human need. So, look for chances to offer choices and ask questions versus telling or directing.

The fundamental purpose of following directions is to grow new skills and the ability to persevere when requests are made that align with your teen’s success. Learning new skills requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning about your teen’s developmental milestones can help you have reasonable expectations for your teen.²

• Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and be preoccupied with peer interactions. Because of this, they may come to you for support and a listening ear but may also be conflicted as they attempt to assert their independence.
• Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident in themselves. They may have new important goals outside of school (jobs, driving, dating), and along with them, they may have worried. Your focused listening will matter significantly as they consider new emerging adult roles.
• Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider graduation and life after high school. This can be a high-stress time. Teens may come to you with significant emotional needs, and your ability to listen can offer critical support. Teens will need to feel that their sense of independence is being respected so that they can follow directions.
• Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are now considered emerging adults. Their lives will change in major ways, whether entering college, living independently, or beginning a job. This is a time for redefining your adult-to-adult relationship. Listening closely to their needs without judgment and offering your assurance that they can do it on their own are some of your most important roles.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to reflect on meaningful, logical consequences if expectations are unmet.

Actions

• Teach your teen the skills required to follow your directions. Did you ask him to mow the lawn? Demonstrate first (watching you enact the skill increases their ability to perform the action!).
• If there are written directions, read them together and follow the steps together. If you ask your teen to perform a task for the first time, do it together to ensure they feel competent the next time you ask.
• If you are trying to establish a routine, ask your teen if a checklist would help them remember the steps.  Work with your teen to create the checklist and post it in a visible location, such as the bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or bedroom door.  When it is time for the instructions or routine, you can empower your teen by asking, “What is next on your checklist?” instead of instructing them what is next.
• Model active listening while interacting with your teen. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools and impact students’ school performance.
• Try out active listening together. Ask your teen to tell you one funny thing that happened at school. Listen carefully without distraction to fully understand what they are saying, and wait until they are finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it” or “I hear you.” Make eye contact and practice placing your entire focus on the speaker. Now switch, have your teen ask about one funny thing at work, and listen to you.
• Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your teen will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”
• Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your teen says, see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.
• Paraphrase. Try out the skill of paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check your listening accuracy and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. You might start by saying, “I heard you say that…” Model it, and then have your teen try it.
• Seek clarification. Mainly, if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Model seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?” After you model this, allow your teen to try it out.
• Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. You can make it a fun acting skit showing what poor listening and good listening look like. Start by having one person act out what poor listening skills look like. Exaggerate and make it funny! Then, reflect and ask: “What did you notice about their body language?” Next, another person should model good listening skills. Then, reflect and ask questions like: “What did they do? How did their body change?”
• Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Teens ages fifteen to nineteen are still learning about feelings—notice and name feelings when a family member shows an expression to offer plenty of practice. Ask, don’t tell. “Dad, you look sad. Is that right?” Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.
• Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s an example: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s another example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

Practice can be dramatic play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen performs the new action.

Actions

• Communicate directions in ways that can be well-heard and understood. Make eye contact. Use the action verb first in a direct, simple sentence. “Rinse out your bowl and then put it in the dishwasher.” Use visuals like motions, hand signals, drawings, or written lists.
• Work up to multi-step directions. Practice a two-step direction and see how it goes. If successful, move up to a three-step direction.
• Accept all feelings. They will play a role in whether or not your teen is motivated to follow your directions. If you will help them manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings — even ones you don’t like. When your teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better? Would your calm down space help you feel better?” Then, try the directions again after the calm-down space has helped.
• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When teens learn a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can make your bed, get breakfast, and put on shoes in the morning on time today.” This practice will offer valuable practice in enacting a multi-step routine.
• Offer limited and authentic choices when communicating directions. Offering them an option, even if small – “Do you want to do your homework sitting at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?” – can return a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you listened to the full directions, and you remembered what to do. That’s excellent!”
• Follow through on repairing harm. When your teen has caused harm by not following your directions, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support to repair it. They may need your guidance through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.

At this point, you’ve taught your teen some new strategies. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, reflecting on logical consequences. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Ask questions to support their skills. For example, “How are you feeling about school today? What will help you focus?”
• Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing challenges, including stress, frustration, and anger. We, as adults, can be more empathetic and patient when we understand what our teens are attempting to learn.
• Promote an “I can” belief. Teens need to hear that you believe in their ability to learn anything with time and hard work.
• Foster a safe, trusting relationship. When your teen does not follow directions, be sure you assume that they have more learning to do instead of assuming defiance. Get curious and find out what’s going on for them.
• Stay engaged. Work together on ideas for new and different ways to communicate directions or instructions. That can offer additional support and motivation for your teen when challenging issues arise.

Learning new behaviors to replace inappropriate behaviors takes time. Teens ages fifteen to nineteen will likely not do it right the first time every time (or sometimes, even the second or third!). That’s okay! What’s important is that you approach following directions with an open mind and heart to understand what support is needed, whether skill building, understanding feelings, teaching new behaviors, or practicing while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your teen. Your healthy, supportive, loving relationship is what is most important.

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “I noticed when you got frustrated, you took a break and worked hard to finish your paper. Excellent.”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the teen knows what to expect, like “If you do your homework before dinner, you will get to watch a movie.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your teen’s choice. For example, when teens complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you completed your homework today on your own in the time we agreed upon. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. Through this tool, teens can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.