Now Is the Right Time!
As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you are essential to your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while growing confidence in your child’s ability to work toward their goals and succeed in life.
Confidence simply means a belief in oneself. But where does that confidence come from? It begins with the trusting relationship you work to develop with your child. Your bond with your child forms a solid foundation from which your child can feel safe exploring the world.
Your child is now interested in and capable of playing cooperatively with their peers. They realize that new, exciting fantasies await if they can engage others in their play. But, this will require that they take social cues, manage their impulses, and negotiate their way through conflicts.
Three-to-four-year-olds will continue to grow their social and emotional skills primarily through loving interactions with you and your responses to their needs. As children develop their social and emotional skills, they grow confidence. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can foster confidence through your relationship with your child and focus on helping your child develop social and emotional skills. Confidence is…
- Self-awareness: your child’s deepening sense of who they are, understanding their identity, strengths, and limitations
- Self-management: your child learning to manage their emotions constructively, such as when you help them calm down when upset
- Social awareness: your child’s ability to see from another’s perspective and empathize with others
- Relationship skills: your child’s new capacity to initiate, grow, and sustain healthy relationships with others
- Responsible decision-making: laying the groundwork for your child’s ability to reflect—before choosing words or actions—on the consequences of not causing harm
Emerging confidence in children begins with confident parents or those in a parenting role committed to learning from and with their child. Confident parents or those in a parenting role are not perfect. They simply offer themselves the grace and permission to reflect on and learn from their mistakes. Mistakes do not define who they are.
The key to many parenting challenges, like growing confidence, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.
Why Confidence?
Whether your three-year-old is crying uncontrollably when you say, “No” to candy or you feel inadequate when trying to respond to your child’s frustration, establishing regular ways to grow a trusting connection and teaching your child vital skills will grow confidence.
Today, in the short term, growing confidence can create
- greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment
- trust in each other
- a sense of well-being and motivation to engage
Tomorrow, in the long term, growing confidence in your child
- develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
- grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
- deepens family trust and intimacy
Five Steps for Growing Confidence
This five-step process helps you and your child grow confidence and develop critical life skills. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).
Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush.
Step 1 Getting Your Child Thinking by Gaining Their
You can get your child thinking about growing confidence by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking and understanding of their own and others’ feelings. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts and feelings about confronting challenges better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child
- has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)
- has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership
- works in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life
- grows their self-control, social awareness, and problem-solving skills
Actions
- Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “How do you feel? How do you think I feel?”
- For example, if your child is making a disagreeable facial expression. Say, “Freeze” like a game. Pull out the mirror, ask them to repeat the face, and ask what that facial expression represents. For example, “Your eyebrows are squished down, and there’s a line in your forehead. Are you feeling mad?”
- Some kids may feel interrogated with questions such as “How do you feel?” Your child can also learn through your narrations and observations. You may say, “You climbed up that slide and are smiling. I wonder if you’re feeling proud.”
- When reading books, look at the images of children or animals and guess the feelings by asking, “Hmmm, I wonder what this is. What do you think this character is thinking? I see their eyebrows are slanted, and their mouth is a thin line. What do you think that character is feeling?” Sometimes, parents are inclined to ask many questions when teaching their children. Narrating your observations instead of asking your child questions will invite their curiosity without putting them on the spot to answer. “
- If your child is feeling unsure about how others are feeling — or buried in their own feelings — consider asking questions like:
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- “I wonder what they are feeling?”
- “How do you know from their facial expression?”
- “What does their voice sound like?”
- “How are they moving?”
- Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their own feelings as well as others and seek support when they need it. This can help reduce the length and severity of tantrums or other expressions of upset feelings as your child gains emotional competence.
- Remember, a child’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences.1,2 Feelings are not right or wrong, but what your child does with their feelings may be appropriate or inappropriate.
As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding your child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow their confidence. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. Learning about
developmental milestones can help a parent better understand what their child is going through.
3 Here are some examples. Three-four-year olds
- are copying or mimicking adult words and actions
- are growing in empathy for others and will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting
- can carry a conversation by offering two to three sentences but do not yet have a feelings vocabulary. They cannot describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings. A feelings vocabulary takes longer to develop
- are eager to engage in pretend play independently and cooperatively with other children
- can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn about the rules and attempt to understand your values
- are able to show a broader range of feelings
- may begin to experience separation anxiety when you leave them
- can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation
It is important to remember that teaching is different from just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.
Actions
- Read and “pretend play” together.
- During reading time, select a book with faces to help your child learn to identify the different feelings. Point out how you can tell each face is feeling each feeling, and practice recreating those cues with your child.
- After reading a story together, act out the story and use feelings words and expressions to match how the characters are feeling throughout the story. This expands their feelings vocabulary and teaches them how to recognize a wide range of perspectives and feelings they might not encounter in daily interactions with others.
- Share your thoughts and feelings. Talk about how you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and what signs you are giving, even when it’s not comfortable. “I am frustrated because I cannot get the seat belt to work. Can you tell? My face is red and getting hot.”
- Talk aloud about how you respond to your big feelings: “I’m going to take a few deep breaths before trying again and see if that helps.”
- Develop empathetic thinking. In addition to developing these essential skills that lead your children to build confidence, there are beliefs and attitudes that you can promote to contribute to your child’s thinking. For example, when your child points a blaming finger saying, “He did it!” you may respond with:
- “What do you think he’s feeling?”
- “What choice would you make if you were feeling sad or hurt?”
- “What do you think could make him feel better?”
- Play act anger. In a calm moment, create a drama in which you feel angry. Describe how you are feeling and why. “This doll took my toy. I feel so mad. My face feels hot. I feel like I want to growl.” Then, shift to what could make you feel better. “How could I help myself feel better?” you might ask your child. Create ideas and try them out together. “I could hug a pillow tightly. I could draw with crayons or pound on Play-Doh.” Ensure that the ideas you try are ones you want to teach your child to use when they are truly angry.
- Practice deep breathing. When you put your child to bed, give a teddy bear a ride on your tummy as you breathe deeply. Have your child try it.
Tip: Use play acting when your child is angry. Gently remind: “Do you remember how we felt better when we play acted that we were angry?” If your child can’t recall, show them how you hug a pillow tightly to help yourself feel better. Don’t forget to take deep breaths together.
Step 3 Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits
Your daily routines can be opportunities for your child to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.
Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes are part of learning.
Actions
- Allow your child the chance to take steps to meet their big challenges, whether they are working on tasting new foods for the first time, exploring the objects in their environment, or attempting to communicate with new words or phrases.
- Be sure to consider how you can create the conditions for their success, such as a quiet, organized environment with age-appropriate books, toys, or creative supplies.
- Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your child.
Step 4 Support Your Child’s Development and Success
At this point, you’ve taught your child how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.
Actions
- Initially, your child may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Ask them to demonstrate how they can work hard toward a goal. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “Show me that you can tell me what you are feeling.”
- Don’t move on quickly if your child shows interest in trying something new. Children often need more time to stick with a challenge or pursue a goal. Be sure to wait long enough for your child to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they are able to gain skills over time.
- Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you squeezed your pillow as we practiced.”
- On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your child’s ability to face the new. In a gentle, non-public way, whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember how you enjoyed meeting my friend Susie? Anna is kind, too. You might enjoy meeting her today.”
- Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can offer reflections like:
- “You seem worried about going into this new store. I’ll hold your hand so you feel more confident.” Offering comfort when facing new situations can help your child gain a sense of security and face them rather than backing away.
- You can also offer comfort items to help your child face new challenges. “Would your bear help you feel brave?”
- Take steps to support your child if they experience separation anxiety. Be sure you are placing your child in the care of someone you trust so that you feel safe leaving your child in that person’s care. Give your child something of yours (blanket, scarf) to have while you’re gone. Express your love and explain to them when you’ll return in terms of activities: “You’ll finish lunch, and then I’ll be back!” Leave without lingering, but don’t sneak out.
Tip: Separation anxiety, though developmentally normal, can be stressful for both parent or someone in a parenting role and child. Take deep breaths and time to calm down after leaving your child in caring hands.
No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.
If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for solid communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.
There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.
Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You stayed in bed last night—I love seeing that!” Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.
Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job. A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.
Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.
Trap: It can be easy to resort to bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents or those in a parenting role frequently resort to bribes, it is likely time to revisit the
five-step process.
Trap: Think about what behavior a bribe may unintentionally reinforce. For example, offering a sucker if a child stops a tantrum in the grocery store checkout line may teach the child that future tantrums lead to additional treats.
Actions
- Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything is moving along smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
- Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
- Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.
Closing
Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent, which you can use on many other issues and important skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Throughout this tool, children have opportunities to become more confident while growing their social and emotional skills.
