Kindness for Your 4-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while building a foundation of trusting, loving attachment that will grow kindness and contribute to later success in school and life. 

Kindness is the ability to act with generosity, care, and consideration. Children ages 3-4 are learning about themselves, their strengths, and their limitations. Three- and four-year-olds have not only noticed other children but also realized that play is much more fun when engaged with others. Play grows your child’s social and emotional skills. Kids naturally practice cooperation, negotiation, inclusion, communication, flexibility, conflict management, and kindness in social play.

As children develop their social and emotional skills, they also develop their ability to act with kindness. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can foster kindness through your relationship with your child by focusing your attention on helping your child grow these vital skills and through your modeling. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you.

Why Kindness?

Your child’s ability to show kindness and get along with and play with others can shape their experiences at the park, in playgroups, and at preschool or childcare. You can support them as they exercise their newly forming social awareness and relationship skills.

Today, in the short term, focusing on kindness can create

• greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment
• trust in each other
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage

Tomorrow, in the long term, focusing on kindness with your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Teaching Kindness

This five-step process helps you and your child develop kindness skills and critical life skills. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)

Three-to-four-year-olds are highly active and exploratory, seeking moments for imaginative play. They now can view themselves as a whole person with a body, mind, and spirit but are still learning to identify their big feelings. Your child is gaining skills in cooperating with others, showing empathy, and working through conflict with pretend play. Paying close attention to your child’s facial expressions, body movements, words, and sounds helps you better understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your child build trust and create empathetic interactions demonstrating kindness. In becoming sensitive to the slight differences in your child’s verbal and non-verbal language, you

• are responding to their needs
• are growing their trust in you, sense of safety, and their sense of healthy relationships
• are offering greater motivation for you and your child to work together
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another
• are modeling empathy

Actions

• • Simple questions can be conversation starters to engage your child in learning about kindness. Asking your child questions also tells them that you care about what they think and how they feel. Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child questions and help with prompts as needed so they can be successful.
    • “What do you notice? I notice…”
    • “How do you feel? I feel…”
    • “I wonder if the other person feels sad because their head is down. How do you think they might feel?”
    • “What are you wondering? I am wondering what happens next.”
    • “Did you think what that person did for you was kind? How did it make you feel?” 
  • When reading books, look at the images of children or animals and guess the feelings by asking, “What do you think this character is thinking? What do you think that character is feeling?”
  • Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their feelings and others and seek support when needed.
  • If your child is feeling unsure about how others are feeling — or is buried in their feelings —  consider asking questions like:
    • “What do you notice the other child is feeling?”  
    • “What does their face look like?”
    • “What does their voice sound like? How are they moving?”

As a parent of a young child, I have learned a lot about understanding a child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help build your child’s sense of relationships and ability to be kind. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help a parent better understand what their child is going through.¹

• • • Three-to-four-year-olds are copying or mimicking adult words and actions.
    • Three-to-four-year-olds are growing in their sense of empathy for others. They will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting.
    • Three-to-four-year-olds can carry a conversation offering two to three sentences but do not yet have a full feelings vocabulary to describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with any big feeling. A feelings vocabulary takes longer to develop.
    • Three-to-four-year-olds are eager to play pretend play independently and cooperatively with other children. Children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones through play.
    • Three-to-four-year-olds can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn about the rules and attempt to understand your values.
    • Three-to-four-year-olds can show a broader range of feelings.
    • Three-to-four-year-olds are beginning to notice differences, including culture and race, making it critical to discuss inclusion and the essential nature of different perspectives in order for them to learn.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• • • Model kindness while interacting with your child. Modeling kindness can be one of the greatest teaching tools.
      • Share the focus. As you spend time with your child, follow their lead. As they pick up new toys or explore a different part of the room, notice and name what they are exploring.²
      • Notice gestures and listen for thoughts and feelings. Attempt to figure out what your child is trying to tell you through their sounds, gestures, and facial expressions. Name it When they express a feeling on their face or through their body. “I noticed you are smiling while playing that game. You look happy.”
      • Children require your attention to thrive. So, why not build a special time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your child has to tell you? Turn off your phone. Set a timer if needed. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself, “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I am listening?”
    • Read and “pretend play” together.
      • During reading time, select a book of faces to help your child learn to identify the different feelings of other children. Point out how you can tell what each child is feeling. Practice recreating those cues with your child.
      • After reading a story together, act out the plot and use feeling words and expressions to match how the characters feel throughout the story. This expands their feelings vocabulary and teaches them how to recognize a wide range of perspectives and feelings they might not encounter in daily interactions with others.
    • Make your thinking and feelings explicit. Talk about how you feel, why you feel it, and what signs you are giving (even when it’s uncomfortable). “I am feeling sad because our friends can’t meet us for a playdate. Can you tell? I am frowning.”
    • Talk aloud about how you respond to your big feelings: “I’m going to take a few deep breaths before trying again and see if that helps.”
    • Grow empathetic thinking. In addition to growing these essential skills that help your child learn kindness, there are beliefs and attitudes that you can promote to contribute to your child’s thinking. For example, when your child points a blaming finger, saying “he did it!” you could say:
      • “What do you think he’s feeling?”
      • “What choice would you make if you were feeling sad or hurt?”
      • “What do you think could make him feel better?”

Your daily conversations can allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those opportunities. Each time your child works hard to practice kindness, they grow vital new brain connections that strengthen and eventually form habits.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can do a task or skill successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes are part of learning.

Actions

• • • Provide opportunities for your child to meet and interact with other children and people of all ages, races, and cultures. Discuss commonalities, make connections, and how differences help us learn more about ourselves and others.
    • Model warm greetings, introduce your child, and facilitate greetings with new individuals. Share one thing you know or love about that person with your child to make a caring connection.
    • When out in your community while running errands with your child, make introductions and involve your child in conversations with neighbors, the bank teller, or the grocery cashier.
    • If your child is in daycare, create caring, trusting connections with the caregivers alongside your child.
    • Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed how you let your friend choose a snack first. That was kind of you.”
    • Read together. When you read stories together, you engage in an activity that can be profoundly connecting for both of you. Reflect on the story, and you will take the learning opportunity one step further. “I think it was kind of the character to give his friend a high-five for doing a good job playing the game.” Involve your child in selecting the book, holding it, and turning the pages to build ownership and interest in reading.
    • Many children are born with a cautious or shy temperament. They might not readily warm up to strangers and may show a fear of them. Respect that temperament by not forcing interaction and instead modeling your own kind interactions with others.

At this point, you are developing your child’s kindness skills and allowing them to practice. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed. By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful and help them grow in their ability to show kindness.

Actions

• • • Initially, your child may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. And ask them to demonstrate how to work hard toward a goal. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “Show me you can say kind words to your sister when she is helping you.”
    • Schedule playdates. Playdates can become an invaluable practice for your child. Playdates build connections and help your child to practice the skills you’ve taught them.
    • Don’t move on quickly if your child shows interest in a new person. Children often need more time to adjust to new individuals. Be sure to wait enough for your child to warm up to the new person. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether your child is able to gain relationship skills over time.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You offered your friend a chance to join the game when they cried. That was kind of you.”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• • • Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
    • Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after getting through your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.