Tantrums for Your 4-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and helping your child learn to deal constructively with their most upsetting feelings provides a great opportunity.

Three-to-four-year-olds are in the earliest stages of learning about their strong feelings. They do not understand the full-body takeover that can occur when angry, hurt, or frustrated. A sense of a lack of control can be scary and add to the length and intensity of their upset. Tantrums are normal. Learning how to deal with anger or upset without choosing destructive responses is critical, and your support and guidance as a parent or someone in a parenting role greatly matters.

Research confirms that when children learn to cope with their feelings, they strengthen their executive functions and ability to choose healthy behaviors.¹ They can better use self-control, problem-solve, and focus their attention. This directly impacts their school readiness. Yet, we face challenges in managing upset, frustration, and anger. Your child may throw themselves on the floor crying and not being able to tell why they are upset. Or, they may hit, bite, or hurt you in anger.

The key to many parenting challenges, like helping your child manage tantrums, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to help your three-to-four-year-old work through their roughest, most intense emotional times in ways that build up their resilience and self-management skills.

Why Tantrums?

Your three-year-old may scream and cry when you say “No” to a request for a special snack, or your four-year-old might cry hysterically and refuse to leave the house, making you late for a commitment. Learning how to deal with your child’s anger, upset, and many other accompanying feelings can become challenging if you don’t have plans and strategies to manage them.

Today, in the short term, learning to manage tantrums can create

• a sense of confidence that we can help our child regain calm and focus
• a greater opportunity for connection and enjoyment as we work together to care for each other
• a growing trust in each other that we have the competence to manage our intense feelings
• added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making
• builds skills to handle unexpected challenges in life
• builds assertive communication to communicate needs and boundaries, which are critical for keeping them safe

Five Steps for Managing Tantrums

This five-step process helps you and your child manage tantrums and builds important skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Three-to-four-year-olds are aware that they are their own person, and they can do some things without the assistance of an adult. They also experience many feelings and learn how to express them.

Despite your child’s growing ability to use words, continue to pay close attention to their facial expressions, movements, and sounds to work on understanding what they are trying to communicate. Your effort to learn from your child will create empathetic interactions that let them know you are interested in their thoughts. This will make a big difference as you manage intense feelings together.

In becoming sensitive to your child’s verbal and nonverbal expressions, you

• are responding to their needs
• are growing their trust in you, sense of safety, and sense of healthy relationships
• are growing motivation for you and your child to work together
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another
• are growing their ability to advocate for themselves if they need to return to a routine or get more support to manage changes throughout the day
• are modeling empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

Before you can get input from your child to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. Your child will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

• Ask yourself if your child is hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or transition to a nap.
• Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes.
• If your child’s basic needs, such as hunger or tiredness, are not an issue, take additional steps to help them calm down. This might involve offering a hug, helping them take deep breaths, or holding a blanket or stuffed animal.

Three-to-four-year-olds are learning to understand their feelings. They are also beginning to understand other people’s feelings and how their actions affect others. They will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child are calm, reflect on your child’s feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

• “Does my child have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do.
• You can ask them about how they are feeling.
  • “I noticed your face got red, and your forehead got all scrunched up. So, when you threw the toy, were you feeling frustrated?” 
  • “I saw you dropped your popsicle on the ground. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”
  • If they seem to be stalling by asking for another drink or a snack at bedtime, you could ask, “Are you feeling scared?”
• You can also ask them about how they think others might be feeling.
  • “Your sister cried when you took the toy. What do you think she is feeling?” 
  • “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”
  • “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”
• If your child has recently thrown a tantrum, then use that example to reflect on what caused it at a time when you are both calm. You might ask, “What upset you at the grocery store?” Finding out what contributed to a tantrum can give you insight into your child’s triggers and also help raise your child’s self-awareness.
• Use your best listening skills! Remember, what makes a parent angry or upset can differ significantly from what angers or upsets a child. Listen closely to what concerns your child most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings.
• Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child, ask, “How does your body feel now?” See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when angry?” Every person’s physical experience will be different. Find out how your child feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.  Children learn through modeling, so narrating your own emotional experience is helpful. You may share, “ That traffic stressed me a bit; I notice I am taking shallow breaths. I am going to take a few deep breaths and regulate myself.” It may feel unnatural at first to narrate your experience, but your child will greatly benefit from you sharing how you regulate yourself daily.

Because intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, you may not consider their role and impact on your child. Intense feelings can majorly influence the day and your relationship with your child. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning to understand your feelings and behaviors when your child has a tantrum is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are just learning to do. You might ask yourself:

• “Do I get angry when they act a certain way?”
• “How do I respond to my anger?”
• “How do I want my child to respond when they feel angry?”

Children learn first through modeling. If you respond to anger by yelling, they will learn to respond to anger by yelling. Consider your reactions to anger and other intense feelings. Formulate your new reaction around what you want your child to mimic when angry, frustrated, or upset.

Learning about your child’s developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is going through and help you to have reasonable expectations for your child.²

• Three-to-four-year-olds are aware of their separateness from others. This awareness can lead to testing boundaries as they attempt to assert themselves and exert control.
• Three-to-four-year-olds are interested in demonstrating their independence, though they still learn everyday skills like putting on shoes or fastening a coat. This can lead to frustrations as they cannot act independently.
• Three- to four-year-olds are growing in their empathy for others. They will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting.
• Three-to-four-year-olds can show a wider range of feelings.
• Three- to four-year-olds can converse by offering two to three sentences and developing a feeling vocabulary. They are learning to describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings, and a feelings vocabulary takes time to develop.
• Three-to-four-year-olds may still have difficulty asserting their needs or communicating when upset and may still throw tantrums to express their anger or frustration.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Teach your child positive behaviors. Each time your child has a tantrum, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice.
• Respond to your child’s upset with modeling in mind. When your child has a tantrum, focus on calming down yourself, and then help your child. Stop what you are doing and walk them to a safe, non-public spot where they can calm down. Don’t leave them. Be with them and use a calm, soft voice. Encourage them to breathe by breathing slowly with them. Don’t try to talk about the situation until they are calm (they won’t be able to hear you anyway). Stand aside and focus on your deep breathing while you allow your child time to calm down.
• Raising your voice and your level of upset in response to your child’s tantrum will only increase the intensity and duration of your child’s upset. Yelling only communicates that you are raising the emotional intensity, not diminishing it. Your yelling may also scare your child and negatively impact your relationship. Leaving your child alone in their room will also escalate the tantrum at this age. They need you because their feelings have overpowered them.
• Brainstorm coping strategies. You and your child can use numerous coping strategies depending on what feels right. But, when your child is angry and upset, recalling what will make them feel better can be challenging. That’s why brainstorming a list, writing it down, and keeping it ready can come in handy when your child needs it. Some ideas include imagining your favorite place, walking, drinking water, taking deep breaths, counting, drawing, or building something.
• The saying “Name it to tame it” really works! Look for ways to identify feelings and name them. Post a feelings chart on your refrigerator as a helpful reminder. The more your child can name a range of feelings, the more comfortable they will get with articulating them. This strategy alone can reduce the time a child is engaged in a tantrum since they become skilled at articulating their feelings and feel more capable of securing their understanding faster.   Furthermore, when a child can apply accurate words to their emotional experience, soothing chemicals wash over the brain’s emotional centers to support regulation. This technique is called “name it to tame it.”
• You can expand your child’s emotional vocabulary by labeling and narrating your feelings throughout the day. Remember to label both positive and negative feelings. For example, you may say, “I am feeling really calm now that the kitchen is cleaned up. When there are many chores, I have trouble relaxing.” Sharing your experience will help develop empathy and invite your child’s curiosity about their experience.
• Additionally, talk through your regulation strategies as you go through the day. This may look like, “I feel stressed, and my belly hurts slightly. I know fresh air and a walk are helpful when I feel this way. I’d like to move my body and go to the park.” Modeling through actions is even more helpful than teaching specific skills to your child.
• Create a safe base. In a time when your child is not upset, talk about what makes your child feel calmer and offers comfort. Create a “safe base” with your child — a place in the house where your child can choose to go when they want comfort. Place a pillow, blanket, and stuffed animal there. Play act using it. “I am getting red in the face. I’m hot. I feel angry. I’m going to my safe base to calm down.” 
• Begin to teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing anger is how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. We all have moments when we hurt another, but that next step matters in repairing the relationship. A three-to-four-year-old cannot repair harm independently, but you can help them by checking in with someone they may have harmed and asking if they are OK.

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing a task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and offering support. Practice is necessary for children to learn new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child performs a new action. In addition, these practice steps also help prevent tantrums.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can manage their feelings successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• • Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity.  When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can take deep breaths to calm down.” This can be used when you observe their upset mounting.
  • Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed how you didn’t throw your toy when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”  
  • Accept feelings. If you will help your child manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings – even ones you don’t like. When your child is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “Are you mad? Would your doll help you feel better?” Then, focus on teaching and practicing positive behavior.
  • Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is a simple way to assist your child anytime, anywhere, it’s important to get in plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!³
    • Blowing Out Birthday Candles Breathing. You can pretend you are blowing out candles on a birthday cake. Just the image in your head of a birthday cake brings about happy thoughts. And to blow out several small flames, you have to take deep breaths.
    • Teddy Bear Belly Breathing. Balance a teddy bear on your child’s tummy and give it a ride with the rising and falling of their breath. This would be ideal to practice during your bedtime routine when you are lying down and want to calm down for the evening.
      • Follow through on repairing harm. When your child has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support to repair it. They may need to hold your hand through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making.
      • Include reflections on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What was your high and low for today?” or “What did you like most and least about today?”You should answer the questions as well. Questions like these allow your child to share their challenges and bright spots of the day and let them feel seen and heard. Children may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day. Grateful thoughts are a central contributor to happiness and well-being.

At this point, you’ve taught your child some new strategies for managing their intensely upset feelings so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents naturally provide support when they see their child fumble with a situation they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• • • • Use intentional communication to foster skill development.  For example, “We are headed to the playground. I know it’s tough to leave when you’re having fun. Remember, I’ll remind you to do your last fun activity before we go. If you feel upset, we can take some deep breaths together.”
      • Learn about your child’s development. Each new age presents different challenges, and being informed about your child’s developmental milestones promotes empathy and patience.
      • Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different coping strategies can help offer additional support and motivation for your child when challenging issues arise.
      • Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should follow soon after the behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, regulate your own emotions. Not only is this good modeling, but when your emotions are in check, you can also provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child to discuss the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel your child is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

Learning new behaviors to replace inappropriate behaviors takes time. Your three-to-four-year-old will likely not do it right the first time (or second or third!). That’s OK. What’s important is that you approach growing skills to handle tantrums by understanding feelings, teaching new behaviors, and practicing while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child. Your healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child is most important.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You hugged your bear when you got upset—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• • • • Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
      • Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
      • Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after completing your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.