Listening for Your 7-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while building essential listening skills in your child.

Your child’s success depends upon their ability to listen and understand what you and others are communicating. Listening skills can support your child’s ability to engage in healthy relationships, focus, and learn. For example, children must listen to their teacher to follow directions and successfully navigate expectations at school. Not surprisingly, better listening skills are associated with school success.

Through their interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers, children ages 5-10 learn about themselves, their strengths and limitations, why they feel the way they do, and how they relate to others. This is a critical time to teach and practice listening skills.

However, everyone encounters difficulties in listening. With screens, such as mobile devices, captivating children for hours each day, it’s easy to overlook chances to engage with your child and practice listening skills. Effective listening involves utilizing crucial skills such as impulse control, focused attention, empathy, and nonverbal and verbal communication.

For parents or those in a parenting role, the key to many challenges, like building essential listening skills, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s needs. The steps below include specific and practical strategies to prepare you for growing this vital skill.

Why Listening?

Whether your five-year-old continues to play when you’ve told them you need to leave (for the third time), your seven-year-old does not listen to your safety instructions and takes off in a crowd, or your nine-year-old daydreams during their teacher’s instructions and does not know how to do their homework, establishing regular ways to practice listening skills can prepare your child for family, school, and life success.

Today, in the short term, teaching listening skills can create

• greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment
• trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships and responsibilities
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage
• language and literacy fluency

Tomorrow, in the long term, working on effective listening skills with your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Building Listening Skills

This five-step process helps you and your child cultivate effective listening skills, a critical life skill. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about it).

You can get your child thinking about listening skills by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when they have difficulty focusing and listening so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership
• will be working in collaboration with you to deepen your ability to communicate with one another and
• will grow their self-control (adding to their ability to focus attention) as well as empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

Consider what challenges your child in their ability to listen effectively. Your active listening will begin modeling the very kinds of skills you are attempting to build. You might start by asking:

• “Do you feel listened to? When and by whom?” 
• “How do you know that the person truly listens to you?” 
• “Are there times when someone is not listening to you?”
• “How does that make you feel?”

Children are learning how to engage in healthy relationships through loving interactions, which includes learning how to listen effectively. Skill building takes intentional practice. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is working hard to learn.

• Five and six-year-olds can have limited attention spans and thrive on encouragement. They might not listen well and act too busy when they’re playing, particularly if they don’t like what you are saying.
• Seven-year-olds need consistency and may be unable to listen amid transitions or routine changes because they require that stability.
• Eight-year-olds are more skilled at cooperation, meaning they’ll listen more to friends and adults. Dialogue with children at this age reaches a new level of sophistication.
• Nine-year-olds can be highly competitive and critical of themselves and others. They may worry about who is in the “in” and “out” crowds and where they fit in friendship groups, impacting their ability to listen with empathy.
• Ten-year-olds are interested in figuring out others’ thoughts and feelings. There is much more of a give-and-take in friendships with listening, talking, and compromising.

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Model listening while interacting with your child. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools. Listening to your child will build connection and cooperation.
  • Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your child will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”
  • Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your child says, see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.
  • Children need their parents’ attention to thrive. Why not build a special time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your child has to tell you? Turn your phone off. Set aside the chores. Set a timer if you need to. When your child feels seen and heard, they will be better able to listen to others. Even five minutes of your undivided attention goes a long way in helping your child feel seen and connected to you.
• Learn listening strategies together by trying them out.
  • Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. It helps to show what poor listening and good listening look like. Start by having one person act out what poor listening skills look like—exaggerate and make it funny! Then, reflect and ask, “What did you notice about their body language?” Next, another person should model good listening skills. Then, reflect and ask questions like, “What did they do? How did their body change?”
  • Actively listen. Try out active listening, in which one person listens to fully understand what the speaker is saying and waits until the speaker is finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” Make eye contact and practice placing your full focus on the speaker.
  • Paraphrase. Try paraphrasing by repeating back to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. You might start by saying, “I heard you say that…”
  • Seek clarification. Try seeking clarification. Particularly if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to make certain you understand. Practice seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?”
  • Practice questioning and commenting with empathy. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own experiences, focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. For example, your child might say, “Today, Mrs. Smith started a new project. We are going to be building fairy tree houses. I can’t wait.” Instead of responding with something like: “I built a birdhouse when I was in school,” which takes the focus away from your child, you might say, “Sounds like you are excited about this project. What else besides sticks do we need to collect?” This empathetic pattern of speaking and listening requires practice. Your modeling will make a difference in your child’s comfort with this communication style.¹

If you seize the opportunity, your daily conversations can allow your child to practice vital new skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard to practice essential listening skills.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can do a task or skill successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Initially, your child may need active support to encourage listening skills. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity and ask them to demonstrate listening. For example, you could say, “Show me how you can listen at dinner without interrupting.”  
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed how you listened fully to your sister when upset. That’s so helpful to her.”
• Several games require strong listening skills. Offer practice by playing these games as a family.
  • Charades (non-competitive). Expand categories and think of animals, insects, or vacation destinations to act out for one another without teams and the straightforward enjoyment of nonverbal acting and guessing. This game strengthens how people watch body language, an essential part of listening.
  • Who Done It?  Mystery lovers will enjoy this game. It teaches skills by carefully listening and communicating information accurately and concisely. It also stirs a child’s creative thinking. Pretend that someone stole your precious pet turtle. Describe what that person looked like, taking cues from people around you – “He wore a plaid flannel shirt and had a bald head. He was carrying the turtle and a flashlight in one hand.” You must include ten details about the appearance of the turtle napper. Try repeating those ten details twice for your listener. The listener must be able to repeat all ten descriptors to solve the mystery.
  • Cell phone. Remember the old game “Telephone”? It’s as effective at teaching listening and communication skills as it always has been. Place children in a circle. The first child whispers a short sentence in the next child’s ear. Each child passes on what he hears. The last child reveals the message. Giggles ensue when the message invariably changes from start to finish.
  • Cooperative (Ghost) Story Telling. Gather in a circle. The leader establishes the rules to get the game started. Let the group know that each person will have a turn to contribute one sentence to the ghost story. Pass around a talking stick and let participants know that only the one who possesses the stick may talk. The others must listen carefully to build upon the story. The leader can begin with the classic line, “It was a dark, stormy night and…” This requires no setup and no materials. Children will delight in the creativity and imagination involved. This is also an excellent transition game that can be used on the spur of the moment when waiting for the next activity. For younger children, simply passing the story along and adding one sentence at a time is enough to excite and involve a small group.
• Read together. When you read stories together, you engage in a listening activity that can be deeply connecting for both of you. Be sure to involve your child in selecting the book they want to read.

At this point, you are developing your child’s listening skills and allowing them to practice. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful and help them grow in their listening skills.

Actions

• Ask key questions to see how your child’s listening is going actively. You can ask questions like:
• “Tell me about your lesson in math class today. What were some of your teacher’s instructions for your homework?”  
• “It seems like you were having difficulty not interrupting when your friend talked to you. What were some of the challenges you had? What would have helped you to listen actively in that situation?”
• Learn about your child’s development. Each new age presents different social challenges. Regularly informing yourself about what developmental milestones your child is working toward will help you be more empathetic and patient.
• Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different listening strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child when challenging issues arise.
• Engage in further practice. Play listening games to reinforce skills. Create more opportunities to practice when all is calm.
• If you are running into frequent challenges with listening, you could ask yourself a few questions:
  • Am I expecting something from my child that they are developmentally able to do? Having expectations that align with your child’s developmental ability can be incredibly frustrating for you and your child.
  • Have I connected with my child today on their level (read a book with them, played a game, engaged in conversation of their choice and interest)? A child who is heard is a far more cooperative child.
• When your child finds it challenging to listen, it can help to come to their eye level, engage in eye contact, a gentle touch, and speak calmly. If your child is distracted, shouting across the house is less likely to get their attention and more likely to escalate volume, repeated asks, and frustration for you and your child.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 for listening. Third, if you feel your child is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless they do not know how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.
• Trap: When your child does not listen to you or focuses elsewhere, you might be tempted to scold them, but be sure and give them additional chances. Everyone loses their focus sometimes. Get down on their level, eye to eye, and review what you said again to help them refocus their attention. End with a smile or hug to reinforce your connection.
  
  
  

  Step 5 Recognize Efforts

  
  No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

  There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

  Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You listened to me without interrupting—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

  Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you listen well in class today, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

  Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

  Trap: It can be easy to resort to bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents or those in a parenting role frequently resort to bribes, it is likely time to revisit the five-step process. 
  
  
  Trap: Think about what behavior a bribe may unintentionally reinforce. For example, offering a sucker if a child stops a tantrum in the grocery store checkout line may teach the child that future tantrums lead to additional treats.

  Actions

  • Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you listened in class today and knew how to do your homework. Excellent.”
  • Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
  • Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

  Closing

  Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.