Chores for Your 9-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and daily chores provide a perfect opportunity.

Chores allow your child to contribute to maintaining and caring for your family’s household. Children ages 5-10 are establishing lifestyle habits, whether making their bed in the morning, washing their dirty dishes, or cleaning up their toys, which will extend throughout their lifetime. Children who do chores learn that part of being in a family means contributing to the work and responsibilities of family life. When they pitch in, it creates a sense of autonomy, belonging, and competence.

Research has found that the best predictor of success in young adulthood can be directly traced back to whether a child began doing chores at an early age, as young as three or four.¹ But it’s never too late to begin! Another study linked children doing chores to positive mental health in their early adulthood.² Doing chores teaches a work ethic essential in helping children persist toward any goal.

Yet, there are challenges. Children’s schedules are busy. After school, your child may have soccer practice, a full hour of homework, and a need to see friends and play outside. “Why do I have to bring in the garbage cans? My friends don’t,” you may hear from your eight-year-old. Whether cleaning up their room or setting the table for dinner, your child may express resistance when they have other goals in mind, like, “How can I play longer?”

The key to many parenting challenges, like chores, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s needs. Daily chores are also a way for your child to learn valuable skills like timeliness and responsibility. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Chores?

Whether asking your six-year-old to put away their backpack each day, reminding your eight-year-old to take their dishes to the sink after dinner, or battling with a nine-year-old to put yard game equipment away before coming inside, these can become daily challenges if you don’t create regular routines. With input from your child in advance, clear roles and responsibilities can be outlined alongside a well-established plan for success.

Today, in the short term, chores can create

• greater cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks
• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success
• trust that your child has the competence to complete responsibilities with practice and care, and
• added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

• builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting
• builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence; and
• gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency

Five Steps for Establishing Chores

This five-step process helps you and your child establish routines and builds essential skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about chores by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to chores better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

• has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time
• has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for implementing the chore)
• has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership and
• will be working in collaboration with you to make informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day

Actions

Consider what chores need to be done. You might start by thinking through the rooms in the house, beginning with your child’s room. You might ask and consider together:

• “What must we do in your bedroom to keep it clean and ready to use?”
• “How should we handle dirty clothes and prepare clean clothes for school?”
• “When and how do we prepare and eat family dinner together?”
• “When we are finished playing, how do we leave our play areas?”
• Discuss challenges. As your child takes on responsibilities, you may notice challenges like wanting to play instead of clean up. Get curious and ask your child:
  • “Why is clean-up time a challenging time for you?” 
  • “How can we address those problems to make those times easier and help you remember what you must do?” 
  • Brainstorm ideas to solve the problem, such as, “Could we set a timer at the end of playtime so that when it goes off, we know to put toys away?” 
• Write out a chore plan. Ensure your child is writing down or drawing the plan (it doesn’t have to be perfect). Make it simple.
• Post your plan in a visible location and refer to it as a reminder. For example, you could say, “What’s next on our plan? Would you like to pick up the blocks or cars first?” 

As parents or those in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that children are learning to perform everyday typical tasks with greater independence each year. Though they may competently throw their dirty laundry into the washer, that child might find it challenging to make the bed. Learning about developmental milestones can help you know which tasks might be more difficult. Here are some examples of developmentally appropriate chores:³

• Five-year-olds enjoy helping out. They are eager to follow and learn about rules and need consistent routines. Ideas for chores include sweeping the floor with a broom (adults may need to help with a dustpan), taking dirty dishes to the sink, and putting toys back into the designated bins.
• Six-year-olds thrive on encouragement. Ideas for chores include setting the table, getting out and putting away holiday decorations, rinsing dishes, and emptying the dishwasher.
• Seven-year-olds want to keep toys neater and are more organized. Ideas for chores include working together to create new organization systems for toys, making sure bins or storage units are labeled and large enough for their contents, dusting or mopping floors, and raking leaves.
• Eight-year-olds love cooperative work with peers. Ideas for chores include dusting, vacuuming, cleaning as a team together, and washing the car with friends.
• Nine-year-olds have more significant social awareness and begin understanding the value of all members pitching in to care for the house. They take pride in their work. Ideas for chores include making the bed in the morning, organizing and cleaning up common household spaces, taking out trash, moving cans to the curb by themselves or with support, and learning to care for pets.
• Ten-year-olds work well on cooperative teams and are highly sensitive to fairness. Ideas for chores include bringing laundry to the washer, moving clothing from the washer to the dryer, beginning to learn how to do laundry, and making breakfast, snacks, or lunch with support and choices.

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

Actions

• Consider what tasks challenge your child so you know where to focus your teaching. Ask, “What’s my child challenged by?” If it’s several tasks, write them down and consider how you might use the following teaching tool to help your child learn.
• Teachers use a simple process called interactive modeling that can become a powerful teaching tool for parents and those in a parenting role.⁴
  • Say what you will model or demonstrate and why
  • Model or demonstrate the behavior
  • Ask your child what they noticed
  • Invite your child to try it
  • Ask what they noticed with their modeling
  • Practice together
  • Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…”

The following is an example of how this might look between a parent and child discussing preparing for a family dinner. You might say, “Watch how I play waiter. You can try it after me!” You could wear an apron like a waiter might or put on a name tag.

Now, set the table as you would like it, and as your child watches and you go through the motions, be sure to notice any areas that may pose difficulties for your child, such as getting out and placing knives at each place. Address those directly. “Since the knives can be dangerous, I’ll do that part of the process each night, and you can do the rest.” Ask, “What did you notice when I acted like a waiter?” You might say, “Okay, it’s your turn to pretend to be the waiter.” Dress your child in the apron and name tag to maintain the fun. After they play their role, ask, “What did you notice when you did it?”

Now, practice it together. Don’t skip this! It’s essential that your child gets the chance to work alongside you while cooperatively going through the process. In providing feedback, be specific and start with strengths. “I noticed you handled the silverware carefully. Terrific! When you put the napkins down, count so that each person gets one.” If you share too many issues, your child might tune out, so pick only your top few areas for improvement.

If you seize the opportunity, daily chores can allow your child to practice new skills. With practice, your child will improve as you allow them to support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child performs the chore.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy — a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• When a child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity.  Ask them to demonstrate: “Show me how you make your bed.” 
• On days with extra challenges that make completing chores harder, proactively remind your child to help them be successful. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember our next step? What is it?”

At this point, you’ve taught your child a new or challenging task so that they understand how to perform it. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Actively reflect on how chores are going. Ask questions like, “How are you feeling when it’s time to clean up? Do you know where everything goes?”
• Recognize effort using “I notice” statements like, “I noticed how you went ahead and picked up your toys without me asking. That’s taking responsibility!” 
• Infuse some fun! Make clean-up time or chore time fun. Working together as a family can be enjoyable. Turn on some music or sing a song while working.
• Reflect on outcomes. For example, you could say, “It looks like you forgot to set the table. What could help you remember in the future?” 
• Stay engaged. Working together on particularly challenging chores can help offer additional support and motivation for your child when challenging issues arise.
• Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child to discuss the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel your child is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You made your bed this morning—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you keep your room tidy all week, we will get a treat after school on Friday.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children complete their chores without being reminded, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I notice you made your bed before school today. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making