Technology Use for Your 9-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to foster a healthy parent-child relationship and ensure your child develops a healthy relationship with technology.

Technology use has become an essential part of your child’s life and learning in school. It has the potential to play a role in:

• social and emotional development
• language development
• connection to friends, family, and others
• empathy and understanding of others
• imagination
• ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Children ages 5-10 are learning the foundational content in school that will serve them throughout their school years. Additionally, they’ll experiment with and learn social skills through forging friendships and creating relationships with teachers, coaches, and you while participating in extracurricular activities like sports, music, etc.

Yet, technology can pose challenges. Nationally, the majority of parents say that parenting is harder than it was twenty years ago, and most point to technology as the primary reason.¹ 71% of parents with children under 12 said they worry that their children spend too much time on screens. The same number of parents are concerned that smartphones could harm their children. Let’s take a deeper look at the screen time habits of this age group:

• 5-8-year-olds are on screens an average of three hours per day.²
• 9-10-year-olds spend an average of over five hours daily on various media sources.³

Technology highly entertains and stimulates children, so it can become a source of conflict when they need to disconnect. It can take away time from family being together and building intimate connections. Addiction can be a real threat as those jolts of happy hormones (dopamine) are fueled; infinite scrolling is the norm on social media, and games are programmed to keep children perpetually engaged. Daily, devices can take time away from other critical pursuits for their physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development, such as reading, playing outdoors, unstructured creative/play time, friend time, homework, and more. The kinds of content that a child can view online can range from mildly irritating to disturbing and dangerous, whether it involves repeated consumer messages, cartoon violence, graphic violence, or even pornography. Additionally, children can encounter social aggression and bullying online and through social media, which can hurt uniquely since they can be more publicly exposed than most in-person incidents.

We know that growing a healthy relationship with technology requires regular conversations and a commitment from the whole family to become intentional about their use of technology, including appropriate boundaries and safety practices. Approach this topic with empathy and recognize that the devices and apps are designed to make the user stay engaged and want more. Acknowledge with your child that adults also have difficulty setting boundaries with technology use. While it may take more time, planning, and encouraging your child to develop a healthy relationship with technology, its role can become a joyful experience, enrich your family life, and promote valuable skills for school and life success. It can also prepare your child for a lifetime of wise habits related to technology tools. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support families.

Why Examine Technology Use?

Becoming intentional about your child’s daily technology use can influence how they develop a healthy relationship with technology and its role in their life. Looking for ways to experience and learn together about how to use devices wisely contributes to your child’s development.
Today, in the short term, creating a healthy relationship with technology can create

• greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment
• opportunity for dialogue and reflection
• a straightforward way to influence your child’s positive development

Tomorrow, in the long term, a healthy relationship with technology helps your child build skills in

• critically reviewing content and making responsible decisions
• self-management and self-discipline
• planning and time management
• collaboration and cooperative goal-setting
• create positive device habits that contribute directly to school and life success

Five Steps for Examining Technology Use

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for daily technology use and builds essential skills in your child. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

You can get your child thinking about their relationship with technology – how they use devices, when, where, and for what purpose – by asking open-ended questions. Seeking your child’s input and offering authentic, limited choices in designing a plan to establish a daily device use and management routine provides multiple benefits.
In gaining input, your child

• has the opportunity to think through how and when they use technology and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time
• has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for respecting boundaries set)
• will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership
• will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their lives at home and school

Actions

Writing down notes on your child’s responses to the following questions will help you develop rules or routines for device use.

• What are your hopes and goals for your time after school and on weekends?
• Do you get to do everything you want to do in your free time –  or connect with the people you want to communicate with (friends, family), or are there things you miss out on?
• What roles do you want your devices to play in your life? (i.e., learning, entertainment, connection with friends)
• Do you tend to want screen time when you experience a particular emotion (e.g., sadness, frustration, anger)?
• What other things would you like to try to calm down and feel better when you have this feeling? Can we talk about it, go outside, listen to music, or draw a picture?

Allow your child some choices when establishing a device routine. Allowing choices increases your child’s sense of control and motivation to respect the boundaries around device use. Questions you could ask to understand your child’s preferences better include:

• “When considering how you want to spend your time after school…”
• “Would you like a snack first?”
• “Do you want to change into play clothes?”
• “Do you want time to rest or run outside and play?”
• “Considering all the activities that typically occur after school, when is the best time to use devices? 
• Considering your hopes and goals for after school, when is the best time to put devices away?”

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, learning about what developmental milestones your child is working on can help you know which aspects might be more difficult for your child regarding technology use.

• Five-year-olds are highly imaginative and actively learning from pretend play. They enjoy repeating stories, poems, or rhymes. They like to have a role and a choice but also thrive within a consistent routine. They tend to enjoy reading to themselves or being read to. They may find it difficult to see a viewpoint different from their own, so this is an ideal time to reflect with them on others’ thoughts and feelings, which offers valuable practice in empathy. Because much of their learning comes from play, they require plenty of time and space to play indoors and outdoors without devices.
• Six-year-olds are eager for surprises and new ideas and enjoy play. They may test authority more frequently, so becoming consistent with rules and routines that offer limited choices is essential. They are particularly interested in learning the rules of school and how to succeed. Children remain highly imaginative and require plenty of off-school time to explore and play.
• Seven-year-olds are highly curious about the world, so introducing books, movies, or other media about other cultures or lifestyles is ideal at this age. They tend toward greater sensitivity and may be hard on themselves if they find a subject in school challenging. They may need lots of encouragement, support, and reassurance that they can learn with time and practice.
• Eight-year-olds have limited attention spans. Some may have a growing sense of social awareness and are eager to focus on friends, so devices can become highly attractive as they are fed content quickly and can also connect with friends in various new ways through social media. They bounce back quicker from mistakes and disappointment than in their younger years. They may need exercise breaks if they are on screens for a more extended time.
• Nine-year-olds can quickly get frustrated and show an increase in social anxiety. This is a great time to read books about similar characters who have challenges with social issues and reflect on them since nine-year-olds are beginning to try to figure out friendship dynamics. Though nine-year-olds focus more on friends and may be eager to spend more time on devices, they need in-person friend time to learn about friendships without devices.
• Ten-year-olds can be highly cooperative, appreciate sharing their perspectives, and listen to others’ perspectives. Because they are just learning perspective-taking, this is a great time to discuss what motivates others and how they might think and feel. They tend to be eager readers and require more time to dive deep into books at home and school if they have the opportunity.

Actions

Model healthy technology habits.

• Because technology plays a significant role in our family’s life, modeling how you use technology teaches our children more than our words ever could. How are you disciplined about technology?  Do you have rules for putting the laptop down and storing work away at the end of the day? Do you have times when you turn off or leave behind your phone? Share those practices with your child so that they understand that it’s not only children who have to manage devices and cultivate healthy technology habits.
• Notice how you cope with challenges and uncomfortable feelings. Do you tend to use technology as an “escape”?  Talk with your child about how you are feeling and what you will do to calm down rather than tune out.

Research content together before viewing.

• Our children need to learn to become their very own media analysts. Download an app or visit a media review site together. We recommend Common Sense Media because it offers reviews based on a child’s age (and readiness). Get into a habit of reading together about new video games, television programs, movies, and applications before selecting them to view. If they are not developmentally appropriate, move on to something that is.
• Research any topic you are curious about on the internet together and review the keywords to use and the quality of the sites that come up in your search. Discuss the quality and reliability of the site. For example, does the site provide opinion-based information or facts and research-based information?
• Discuss the roles of technology in your home. Share the facts!  Here are some key facts gathered from Confident Parents, Confident Kids:

1. Too much screen time changes the structure and functioning of the brain. According to brain plasticity research, whatever stimuli are received over time directly affects the development and hard wiring of the brain. If children are used to the stimulus of changing images every 5-6 seconds, then their brain needs that stimulus to help them focus their attention.⁵
2. Too much screen time can also result in obesity (unconscious eating), de-sensitivity to violent images, greater challenges with learning and academic achievement, and less nourishing (REM) sleep.⁶
3. Hormone levels change. Dopamine, a pleasure hormone, is released while watching screens, which makes the experience addictive. It’s human nature to desire that pleasure response and return to it repeatedly. Melatonin is reduced, affecting the ability to regulate sleep, the strength of the immune system, and the onset of puberty.⁶
4. Extended screen viewing impacts the child’s developing brain. Heavy viewing has been shown to retard the myelination process in the early brain, particularly from birth to age four. Myelination is the process in which nerve cells in the brain build up a fatty protein sheath that improves conductivity, enhancing the flow of information from one cell to another. If this process is retarded, there’s a loss in the ability to use the imagination and think creatively.⁷
5. Mental fatigue shows reduced effectiveness and increased distraction and irritability. No screen time can restore cognitive fatigue. Researchers have found that being in nature is the best way to restore thinking.⁸

Co-create rules and routines to manage device use.

• Gather as a family to discuss the key issue since it impacts everyone in a household. After sharing facts, discuss your family and personal priorities for everyday life. Here are some questions to help you consider your routine and rules:
  • How do we use our time daily when not in school or work? Do we like the way we use our time?
  • What activities are a high priority (meals, homework, exercise, extracurriculars)?
  • Which of those activities require our full focus?
  • When do we have time to connect as a family?

Consider the following recommendations when creating rules and routines:

• Mealtime can be an important time for families to connect. Consider this an excellent time to put devices away and focus on one another.
• All devices should be shut down an hour before bedtime for healthy sleep.
• Create a home base for charging your devices in a central living area. For healthy sleep, charge devices overnight somewhere other than a bedroom or where a child sleeps.
• Treat your child as the digital native (a.k.a. expert) they are. Ask them to teach you about their favorite apps, social media, and video games. Allow them to play digital tour guide.
• Use your child’s feelings as a guide. Help raise their self-awareness by asking, “How do you feel?” after a session on a device. If they are more anxious, determine whether it was the content or too much screen time. Make adjustments accordingly.
• Ensure your child doesn’t spend more than one hour on screen time without a break. Healthy eyes need that break, even if it’s brief.

To create a family media agreement, check out this printable template from Confident Parents, Confident Kids to develop a family media agreement.
Take on the student role with your child.

• Create time for your child to take you on a digital tour of their latest favorites, whether video games, new apps, or online videos.
• Regularly ask questions that you want to better understand about the digital world and gain your child’s perspectives.
• Dialogue about the online friends and communities your child participates in and has created relationships with.

Your daily routines are opportunities for your child to practice vital new skills. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

Actions

• Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When your child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me you know what we’ve agreed to with our devices – when we’re going to use them and when we’ll power them down.” This can be used when you are in the after-school routine and need that alert to move on to reading time.
• Take a “device break”. During device time, it may be at a natural breaking point called “device break.” Practice moving away briefly. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and get some fresh air.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you searched the media site before watching a new program. That’s smart!”
• Proactively remind your child to help them be successful. The challenges of daily routines recur day after day. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. You can whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember what time it is? What’s next we don’t want to miss out on?”

At this point, you’ve engaged in various activities to help your child develop a healthy relationship with technology through plenty of practice managing their time and the content they view. This practice allows for learning and growing.
Now, you can offer continued positive support. This support encourages your child and keeps them focused on proactively managing their healthy relationship with technology.

Actions

• Promote a learning attitude. Show confidence that your child can learn anything with time and practice. Your comments and reflections will matter significantly in how competent they feel to meet any learning challenge, especially when learning to manage technology in healthy ways.
• Ask key questions like:
  • “It looks like you’re on screens longer than we agreed. Can I help you set the alarm? Are there other ways you can keep track of your time?”
  • “Are you feeling good about what you are viewing? If not, if you feel more fearful or sad, how can we find content that will make you feel better?” 
• Stay engaged. In addition to reading together, it can motivate your child to see you read your favorite book alongside them.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.
If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is crucial in promoting more of it. For example, “You took a break from your tablet when the alarm went off—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect. It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like a child refusing to get off their device before bed). To avoid disaster, a parent offers to give the child extra screen time tomorrow if they go to bed. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice. For example, when children complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I noticed you put your device on the counter when I asked you to. Excellent.”
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.