Confidence

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your infant’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-infant relationship while forming a trusting, loving attachment that will cultivate confidence and establish foundational life skills.

It may seem like the only things infants can do in these early months of life involve eating, sleeping, and crying. However, they are learning so much. Your infant’s brain will double in size during the first year. They are deeply engaged in growing the foundational social and emotional skills that will set the course for their lifetime.

Confidence simply means a belief in oneself. Where does that confidence come from? It begins with the trusting relationship you cultivate with your infant. Your bond with your infant forms a solid foundation from which your infant can feel safe exploring the world. For your infant to feel a secure attachment, they have to feel comfort, support, and safety from you and that you are responsive to their needs.

Infants grow their social and emotional skills through loving interactions with you and your responses to their needs. As infants develop their social and emotional skills, they also grow confidence. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can foster confidence through your relationship with your infant by focusing on helping your child grow social and emotional skills. Confidence is

• Self-awareness: your infant’s deepening sense of who they are, understanding their identity, strengths, and limitations
• Self-management: your infant’s ability to manage their emotions constructively, such as when you help them calm down when upset
• Social awareness: your infant’s ability to see from another’s perspective and to empathize with others
• Relationship skills: your infant’s new capacity to initiate, grow, and sustain healthy relationships with others
• Responsible decision making: laying the groundwork for your infant’s ability to reflect – before choosing words or actions – on the consequences to not cause harm

An infant’s confidence begins with confident parents and those in a parenting role who are committed to learning from and with their infant. Confident parents and those in a parenting role are not perfect. They simply offer themselves the grace and permission to reflect on and learn from their mistakes. Mistakes do not define who they are.

The key to many parenting challenges, like growing confidence, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your infant’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you.

Why Confidence?

Whether your 3-month-old is crying uncontrollably when you leave their sight or you feel inadequacy when responding to your infant’s crying, establishing regular ways to grow a trusting connection and teaching your infant vital skills will grow confidence.

Today, in the short term, growing confidence can create

• greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment
• trust in each other
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage

Tomorrow, in the long term, growing confidence in your infant

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Growing Confidence

This five-step process helps you and your infant grow confidence. It also teaches your infant important, critical life skills. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Infants may cry between two and three hours every day. Their primary form of communicating with you is through crying. Paying close attention to your infant’s facial expressions, movements, and sounds helps you better understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your infant grow trust and create empathetic interactions that promote confidence. In becoming sensitive to the slight differences in your infant’s cries and expressions, you

• are responding to their needs
• are growing their trust in you, sense of safety, and sense of healthy relationships
• are offering greater motivation for you and your infant to work together
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another
• are growing your own and their self-control (to calm down when upset and focus their attention)
• are modeling empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

Consider how the distinct sounds of your infant’s cries connect with their body language. It is okay if you are unsure or don’t know what your infant is trying to communicate with you. Every infant is unique, and it takes time to learn. Check out these common cues and see if they match your infant’s feelings and associated needs.

• If an infant is uncomfortable, they may use a less intense, short, whiny cry like “eh, eh, eh.”
• If an infant is in pain, their eyes may be closed or open for a second and look blankly in the distance. Parents often feel a greater sense of urgency with this cry. They may scrunch up their face and pull their legs up if it’s gas pain.
• If an infant is scared, their eyes may remain open. Their head may move backward. They may have a penetrating look and an explosive cry. They might suddenly extend their legs, arch their back, and then curl up again — an involuntary startle response.
• If an infant feels angry, their eyes may be half open, half closed, either in no direction or a fixed location. Their mouth may be open or half-open. Gestures may accompany crying, and they may arch their back to show they are upset. The intensity gradually increases.
• If an infant is hungry, it may produce a cry that, depending on the intensity, resembles anger or discomfort. Cries can be short, low-pitched, and rise and fall.
• If an infant is tired, they may rub their eyes with them closing and opening. They may pull at their ears and yawn.

Identifying their specific cries and physical cues can help you respond to their needs. For example, if an infant is uncomfortable, respond by loosening or changing clothing or swaddling or changing their position and see if it helps to soothe. If your response to your infant’s cues doesn’t help, that’s okay. Test another response and see if it helps to soothe. It takes time to learn what your infant is communicating to you. As you practice, you’ll get better at recognizing their communication style. They will feel a greater sense of your understanding and responsiveness so that your interactions become more two-way instead of one-way.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role of an infant, there is a lot to learn about understanding your infant’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help grow your infant’s confidence. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your infant’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help a parent better understand what their infant is going through.¹

• 0-3-month-olds respond to their parent’s voice by turning their head, becoming quiet, or smiling. They make eye contact and cry differently depending on the situation. They coo and enjoy playful facial interaction with others. They also can be comforted by a parent’s touch or cuddling.
• 4-6-month-olds listen and respond when spoken to and make consonant sounds through babbling to gain attention. They make different sounds to express feelings and enjoy playful interactions like peek-a-boo. They raise their arms to be picked up.
• 7-9-month-olds use sounds and syllables in babbling to communicate and gain attention. They recognize their name and turn to objects and people when mentioned. They participate in two-way communication, can follow simple directions when paired with physical gestures, and offer simple nonverbal cues like head shaking to indicate “no.”
• 10-12-month-olds are using “Mama” and “Dada,” can follow simple directions, and say one or two words with complete sentences of imitation babbling. They understand “no” and use their hands to communicate needs. They point to objects of interest and explore when placed on the floor.

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your infant for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Ensure daily face-to-face interactions. When face-to-face with a parent or someone in a parenting role, infants increase their sense of security and learn about themselves and their emotions. Their tiny facial muscles change to mimic your own. Research shows that eye contact increases heartbeats in parent and infant and helps the infant learn about others’ emotional experiences.²
  • Talk up close to your infant. Make a point to get down on their level when they are in a high chair, crib, or stroller. Narrate what’s happening around you or tell a favorite memory or story.
  • When encountering new people or situations, get on their eye level and introduce your infant to those new experiences to help them feel safe.
  • Express love up close. Infants need to hear they are loved at every age. Start now and get in the habit of assuring your infant that they are loved no matter what.
• Hold your infant close regularly. Infants require close contact with their parents. Skin-to-skin contact reduces stress and promotes immunity to disease. Heart rates and emotions sync when infants are held close.
  • Rocking in a rocking chair is a soothing way to connect and hold an infant.
  • Baby carriers offer a way to move about with your infant close to your heart.
  • Share the holding. Enlist other trusted family members or friends to share when holding your infant close.
• Offer sensory exploration. Infants learn to know and understand the world and the objects around them through all five senses: touch, taste, smell, sound, and sight. Considering safety and supervision, place objects near your infant for exploration.
  • Infants in their first year of life can benefit from regular time on their tummies. Lay your infant down on a blanket. Include items within or just out of reach for infants to explore, including baby-safe mirrors, blocks, and board books if they are attempting to crawl.
  • Reading regularly with your infant grows literacy skills and offers time for valuable connections. If your infant is able, allow them to choose the book and help turn pages to involve them in reading.
  • Offering time to explore water is wonderful playtime for infants, keeping safety and supervision in mind. Whether you provide a bowl with cups on the kitchen floor or get into the bathtub, infants can exercise their hands and body movements while learning about water and play.

Your daily routines allow your infant to practice vital new skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your infant will grow their skills over time as you give them the opportunity with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your infant works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Practice also provides important opportunities to grow self-efficacy—an infant’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes are part of learning.

Actions

• Allow your infant the chance to take steps to meet their big challenges, whether they are working on tasting new foods for the first time, exploring the objects in their environment, crawling, or cruising the furniture.
• Be sure to consider how you can create the conditions to support their success, such as creating a quiet, organized environment with infant-appropriate board books or toys.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your infant. It is often difficult for parents to watch their infant work through something difficult, yet it is essential to allow an infant to make mistakes and fail so that they can experience a full range of emotions and grow from trials and tribulations.

At this point, you are developing your infant’s skills and growing their confidence by allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their infant fumble in a situation where they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Initially, your infant may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Ask them to demonstrate how they can work hard toward a goal. When infants learn a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “Show me you can move toward the mirror.” 
• Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you worked extra hard to get to that toy.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your infant is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your infant’s ability to face the unfamiliar. Gently, you can say, “This is my friend Anna. I am excited for you to meet her.”
• Actively reflect on how your infant is feeling when approaching challenges. You could offer comfort items to help your infant face new challenges. “Would your blanket help you feel better?” Swaddle your infant, or you may use a pacifier to offer comfort.

No matter how old your infant is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your infant is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your infant’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your infant’s efforts. It is helpful to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your infant’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your infant. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You are tasting the new food—Good job!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the infant knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your infant progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease an infant’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and an infant is screaming. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to give them a treat if the infant will stop crying). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your infant makes an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after getting through your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, before you leave for work, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that grows your skills as an effective parent, which you can use on many other issues and important skills that will last a lifetime. Throughout this tool, infants have opportunities to become more confident while growing their social and emotional skills.