Happiness

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential part in your infant’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-infant relationship from the start, and feeling happiness together is a great way to do it.

Happiness, or a sense of joy or well-being, comes through our connection with others and a sense of meaning or purpose in our lives.¹ It may seem that the only things infants can do in these early months involve eating, sleeping, and crying. They are learning so much that your infant’s brain will double in size in the first year of life. They are deeply engaged in building the foundational social and emotional skills to set the course for their lifetime.

Infants better understand themselves through their interactions with you and other caregivers. They learn their strengths and limitations, why they feel the way they do, and how they relate to others. Parents and those in a parenting role share in this learning and exploration. Ultimately, many of your infant’s joyful experiences will occur through their loving relationship with you.

Caring for an infant requires a lot of time, and it may feel like you rarely have time for yourself. However, one of the most important things you can do to promote your infant’s happiness is to take care of your need for self-care, like eating healthy foods, exercising regularly, connecting with friends, and engaging in enjoyable activities. Not taking time for yourself can hinder the joy and connection you feel with your infant. Even small amounts of time (like taking a walk or calling a friend) can make a big difference for you and your infant.

The steps below include specific and practical strategies, including reliable and unconditional support and love, to help you develop happiness and build a relationship with your infant.

Why Happiness?

Your infant’s connections with you and others and their ability to engage in meaningful learning and play are essential to developing lifelong happiness. Today, in the short term, growing happiness can create

• greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment
• a sense of belonging
• a sense of optimism and well-being

Tomorrow, in the long term, helping your child grow happiness

• develops a sense of fulfillment
• strengthens their immune system and physical health
• builds skills that foster resilience
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Growing Happiness

This five-step process helps you and your infant develop feelings of joy and connection to one another. It also lays the foundation for essential life skills in your infant. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Tip: Intentional communication and actively building a healthy parent relationship will support these steps.

Infants cry between two and three hours every day. Their primary form of communicating with you is through crying. Paying close attention to your infant’s facial expressions, movements, and sounds helps you understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your infant create empathetic interactions that promote happiness and let them know you are interested in their thoughts. In becoming sensitive to your child’s verbal and nonverbal expressions, you

• are responding to their needs
• are growing their trust in you, sense of safety, and sense of healthy relationships
• are improving your ability to communicate with one another
• are growing your own and their self-control (to calm down when upset and focus their attention)
• are modeling empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

Consider how the distinct sounds of your infant’s cries connect with their body language. It is okay if you are unsure or don’t know what your infant is trying to communicate. Every infant is unique, and it takes time to learn. Check out these common cues and see if they match your infant’s feelings and associated needs.

• If an infant is uncomfortable, they may use a less intense, short, whiny cry like “eh, eh, eh.”
• If an infant is in pain, its eyes may be closed or open for a second and look blankly in the distance. Parents often feel a greater sense of urgency with this cry. If it’s gas pain, it may scrunch up its face and pull its legs up.
• If an infant is scared, its eyes may remain open, its head may move backward, it may have a penetrating look and an explosive cry, and it might suddenly extend its legs, arch its back, and then curl up again—an involuntary startle response.
• If an infant feels angry, its eyes may be half open or half closed, either in no direction or a fixed location. Its mouth may be open or half open. Gestures may accompany crying, and it may arch its back to show it is upset. The intensity gradually increases.
• If an infant is hungry, it may produce a cry that, depending on the intensity, resembles anger or discomfort. Cries can be short, low-pitched, and rise and fall.
• If an infant is tired, it may rub its eyes while opening and closing them, pull at its ears, and yawn.

Working to identify their specific cries and physical cues can help you respond to their needs. For example, if an infant is uncomfortable, respond by loosening or changing clothing, swaddling, or changing their position to see if it helps soothe them. If your response to your infant’s cues doesn’t help, that’s okay. Test another response and see if it helps to soothe.

It takes time to learn what your infant is communicating with you. As you practice, you will better recognize their communication style. They will feel a greater sense of your understanding and responsiveness, so your interactions will become more two-way instead of one-way.

Infants are learning how to be in healthy relationships through loving interactions, which include experiencing joy and connection. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your infant is working hard to learn. Here are some examples:²

• 0-3-month-olds respond to their caregiver’s voice by turning their head, quieting, or smiling. They make eye contact and cry differently depending on the situation. They coo and enjoy playful facial interaction with others. They also can be comforted by a parent’s touch or cuddling.
• 4-6-month-olds listen and respond when spoken to and make consonant sounds through babbling to gain attention. They make different sounds to express feelings and enjoy playful interactions like peek-a-boo. They raise their arms to be picked up.
• 7-9-month-olds use sounds and syllables in babbling to communicate and gain attention. They recognize their name and turn to objects and people when mentioned. They participate in two-way communication, can follow simple directions when paired with physical gestures, and offer simple nonverbal cues like head shaking to indicate “no.”
• 10-12-month-olds use “Mama” or “Dada,” who can follow simple directions and say one or two words with full sentences of imitation babbling. They understand “no” and use their hands to communicate needs. They point to objects of interest and explore when placed on the floor.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your infant for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Ensure lots of daily face-to-face interactions. When face to face with a parent or someone in a parenting role, infants increase their sense of security and learn about themselves and their feelings. Their tiny facial muscles change to mimic your own. Research shows that eye contact increases both parent and child heartbeats and helps the infant learn about others’ feelings.³
  • Talk up close to your infant. Make a point to get down on their level when they are in a high chair, crib, or stroller. Narrate what’s happening around you or tell a favorite memory or story.
  • When encountering new people or situations, get on their eye level and introduce your infant to those new experiences to help them feel safe.
  • Express love up close. Children need to hear they are loved at every age. Start now and get in the habit of assuring your infant that they are loved no matter what.
• Hold your infant close regularly. Infants require close contact with their parents. Skin-to-skin contact reduces stress and promotes immunity to disease. Heart rates and feelings sync when infants are held closely.
  • Rocking in a rocking chair is a soothing way to connect and hold an infant.
  • Baby carriers offer a way to move about with your infant close to your heart.
  • Share the holding. Enlist other trusted family members or friends to share when holding your infant close.
• Offer sensory exploration. Infants learn to know and understand the world and the objects around them through all five senses: touch, taste, smell, sound, and sight. Considering safety and supervision, place objects near your infant for exploration.
  • Infants in their first year of life can benefit from regular time on their tummies. Lay your infant down on a blanket. Include items within or just out of reach for infants to explore, including baby-safe mirrors, blocks, and board books if they are attempting to crawl.
  • Reading regularly with your infant lays the foundation for later reading skills and offers time for valuable connection. If your infant is able, allow them to choose the book and help turn pages to involve them in reading.
  • Offering time to explore water is wonderful playtime for infants, keeping safety and supervision in mind. Whether you provide a bowl with cups on the kitchen floor or enter the bathtub, infants can exercise their hands and body movements while learning about water and play.

Your daily routines allow you and your infant to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your infant will build relationships with others and have meaningful play that will bring you both joy and happiness. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen and eventually form habits.

Actions

• Allow your infant the chance to take steps to meet their significant challenges, whether they are working on tasting new foods for the first time, exploring the objects in their environment, or attempting to communicate with new words or phrases.
• Provide opportunities for your infant to do more challenging things than they have done before. The goal is to come up with experiences beyond what they are comfortable with so they can experience working hard and mastering a new skill. This may be a challenging social situation like playing peek-a-boo with a neighbor who they felt too shy to play with in the past.
• Create regular routines that build your infant’s relationships with others. A daily stroller ride around the block with a parent can become a cherished, comforting, connecting, and joyful routine.

At this point, you are laying the foundation for happiness with your infant by modeling your actions and creating opportunities for them to experience happiness and joy. Now, you can offer continued support and generate excitement and positive feelings.

Actions

• Learn about your infant’s development. Each new age presents different challenges, and being informed about your infant’s developmental milestones can help you be more compassionate and patient.
• Actively reflect on how your infant feels when they are doing something that brings them joy. You can offer reflections like: “I notice you are making the Mmmm sound. You are smiling. I love that.”
• Don’t move on quickly if your infant shows interest in trying something new. Children often need more time to stick with a challenge or pursue a goal. Be sure to wait long enough for your infant to show you they are competent. Your waiting could make all the difference in whether they can gain skills over time.
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your infant is not feeling particularly happy, let them know that it is okay not to feel happy sometimes and that they are likely to feel happy again soon. “You seem upset right now. Let’s change your diaper and see if that helps you feel better.” 

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You are moving your arms and legs and making many sounds. You seem happy right now.!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, snuggle and read before bed after getting through your bedtime routine.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.