Kindness

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your infant’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-infant relationship while building a trusting, loving attachment that will grow kindness and contribute to later success in school and life.

It may seem like the only things infants can do in these early months of life involve eating, sleeping, and crying. But in fact, they are learning so much. They are deeply engaged in building the foundational social and emotional skills to set the course for their lifetime. You have an opportunity to establish this valuable foundation now.

Kindness is the ability to act with generosity, care, and consideration. Kindness is learned through the trusting relationship you work to grow with your infant. As you respond to your infant’s needs, showing care and love, your infant begins to experience your care as kindness and learns through your modeling. The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you.

Why Kindness?

Whether your 3-month-old is crying uncontrollably when you leave their sight, or you feel inadequacy when trying to respond to your infant’s crying, establishing regular ways to build a trusting connection and teaching your child vital skills will grow their ability to show kindness toward others in the future.

Today, in the short term, promoting kindness can create

• greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment
• trust in each other
• a sense of well-being and motivation to engage

Tomorrow, in the long term, promoting kindness in your child

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making
• deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Teaching Kindness

This five-step process helps you and your infant develop kindness skills and critical life skills. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Infants may cry between two and three hours every day. Their primary form of communicating with you is through crying. Paying close attention to your infant’s facial expressions, movements, and sounds helps you better understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your infant build trust and create empathetic interactions demonstrating kindness. In becoming sensitive to the small differences in your infant’s cries and expressions, you

• are responding to their needs
• are growing their trust in you, sense of safety, and sense of healthy relationships
• are offering greater motivation for you and your infant to work together
• are deepening your ability to communicate with one another
• are modeling empathy

Actions

Consider how the distinct sounds of your infant’s cries connect with their body language. It is okay if you are unsure or don’t know what your infant is trying to communicate with you. Every infant is unique, and it takes time to learn. Check out these common cues and see if they match your infant’s feelings and associated needs.

• If infants are uncomfortable, they may issue a less intense, short, whiny cry like “eh, eh, eh.”
• If infants are in pain, their eyes may be closed or open for a second and look blankly in the distance. Parents often feel a greater sense of urgency with this cry. If it’s gas pain, they may scrunch their faces and pull their legs up.
• If infants are scared, their eyes may remain open, their heads may move backward, they may have a penetrating look and an explosive cry, and they might suddenly extend their legs, arch their back, and then curl up again—an involuntary startle response.
• If infants feel angry, their eyes may be half open or closed, either in no direction or in a fixed location. Their mouth may be open or half-open. Gestures may accompany crying, and they may arch their back to show they are upset. The intensity gradually increases.
• If infants are hungry, they may produce a cry that resembles anger or discomfort, depending on the intensity. Cries can be short, low-pitched, and rise and fall.
• If infants are tired, they may rub their eyes while closing and opening them, pull at their ears, and yawn.

Working to identify their specific cries with physical cues can help you respond to their needs. For example, if an infant is uncomfortable, respond by loosening or changing their clothing, swaddling, or changing their position to see if it helps to soothe. If your response to your infant’s cues doesn’t help, that’s okay. Test another response and see if it helps to soothe.

It takes time to learn what your infant is communicating with you. As you practice, you’ll get better at recognizing their communication style. They will feel a greater sense of your understanding and responsiveness, and your interactions will become two-way instead of one-way.

As a parent or someone in the parenting role of an infant, there is a lot to learn about understanding your infant’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can help build your infant’s sense of relationships and ability to be kind. Offering yourself the grace and permission to not be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your infant’s needs. Learning about developmental milestones can help you better understand what your infant is going through.¹

• 0-3-month-olds respond to their parent’s voice by turning their head, quieting, or smiling. They make eye contact and cry differently depending on the situation. They coo and enjoy playful facial interaction with others. They also can be comforted by a parent’s touch or cuddling.
• 4-6-month-olds listen and respond when spoken to and make consonant sounds through babbling to gain attention. They make different sounds to express feelings and enjoy playful interactions like peek-a-boo. They raise their arms to be picked up.
• 7-9-month-olds use sounds and syllables in babbling to communicate and gain attention. They recognize their name and turn to objects and people when mentioned. They participate in two-way communication, can follow simple directions when paired with physical gestures, and offer simple nonverbal cues like head shaking to indicate “no.”
• 10-12-month-olds who use “Mama” or  “Dada” can follow simple directions and say one or two words with complete sentences of imitation babbling. They understand “no” and use their hands to communicate needs. They point to objects of interest and explore when placed on the floor.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your infant for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Ensure daily face-to-face interactions. When face-to-face with a parent or someone in a parenting role, infants increase their sense of security and learn about themselves and their feelings. Their tiny facial muscles change to mimic your own. Research shows that eye contact increases parent and child heartbeats and helps the infant learn about others’ emotional experiences.²
  • Talk up close to your infant. Make a point to get down on their level when they are in a high chair, crib, or stroller. Narrate what’s happening around you or tell a favorite memory or story.
  • When encountering new people or situations, get on their eye level and introduce your infant to those new experiences to help them feel safe.
  • Express love up close. Children need to hear they are loved at every age. Start now and get in the habit of assuring your infant that they are loved no matter what.
• Hold your infant close regularly. Infants require close contact with their parents. Skin-to-skin contact reduces stress and promotes immunity to disease. Heart rates and feelings sync up when infants are held that close.
  • Rocking in a rocking chair is a soothing way to connect and hold an infant.
  • Baby carriers offer a way to move about with your infant close to your heart.
  • Share the holding. Enlist other trusted family members or friends to share when holding your infant close.
• Offer sensory exploration. Infants learn to know and understand the world and the objects around them through all five senses: touch, taste, smell, sound, and sight. Place objects near your infant for exploration, considering safety and supervision.
  • Infants in their first year of life can benefit from regular time on their tummies. Lay your infant down on a blanket. Include items within or out of reach for infants to explore, including baby-safe mirrors, blocks, and board books if they are attempting to crawl.
  • Reading regularly with your infant provides experience with their first literacy skills and offers time for valuable connection. Allow your infant to choose the book and help turn pages to engage in reading.
  • Offering time to explore water is wonderful playtime for infants, keeping safety and supervision in mind. Whether you provide a bowl with cups on the kitchen floor or enter the bathtub, infants can exercise their hands and body movements while learning about water and play.

Your daily routines allow you and your infant to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. Practice provides important opportunities to cultivate kindness as your infant interacts with you. Practice also grows vital new brain connections that strengthen and eventually form habits.

Actions

• Allow your infant to interact with new people of all ages with you at their side.
• Create a consistent routine with regular naps, play, and meals. Routines create a sense of safety and security, so your infant can focus on learning and growing.
• Model warm greetings, and introduce your infant to new people. Share one thing you know or love about that person with your infant to make a caring connection.
• When out in your community while running errands with your infant, make introductions and involve your infant in conversations with neighbors, the barista, or the grocery cashier.
• Many children are born with a cautious or shy temperament. They may not readily warm up to strangers and might show fear. Respect that temperament by not forcing interaction and, instead, modeling your own kind interactions with others.
• Read together. When you read stories together, you engage in an activity that can be deeply connecting for both of you. Reflect on the story, and you will take the learning opportunity one step further. “The little girl was sharing with her friends. That was kind of her.” Involve your infant in selecting the book, holding it, and turning the pages to build ownership and interest in reading.

At this point, you are laying the foundation for kindness with your infant by modeling kindness in your actions. Now, you can offer continued support and generate excitement and positive feelings.

Actions

• Learn about your infant’s development. Each new age presents different challenges, and being informed about your infant’s developmental milestones can help you be more compassionate and patient.
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed how you smiled at my friend Nina. I love seeing that.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your infant is scared of new people or situations, offer confidence in your child’s ability to face the unfamiliar. Gently, you can say, “Anna is kind. You might enjoy meeting her today.”
• Actively reflect on how your infant is feeling when approaching challenges. “We are going to be with a lot of new people today. I will introduce and hold you so you feel more confident.” Offering comfort when facing new situations can help your child gain a sense of security and face them rather than backing away.
  • You can also offer comfort items to help your infant face new challenges. “Would your blanket help you feel better?” Swaddle your infant, or you may use a pacifier to offer comfort.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I noticed you smiled at my friend. I love seeing this!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect, like “If you behave in the store, you will get a treat on the drive home.” (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after completing your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.