Responsibility for Your 2-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and working together to make responsible decisions is a great way to do it.

Responsibility means considering how your actions will impact yourself and others and making a fair, kind, and safe choice. Responsible decisions children make when they are young may seem small compared to the significant decisions many teens and adults have to make. However, every decision a young child makes allows them to practice thinking through a problem and how their choices will impact themselves and others. They are learning to think ahead and do something that might not have been their first choice but is the fair and kind thing to do. Practicing this skill in early childhood lays the foundation for higher-stakes decisions in the future.

Two-year-olds are in the process of learning what it means to make a responsible decision, how decisions might impact themselves and others, and how to repair any harm done when they make decisions that are not responsible.¹ Two-year-olds might be thinking, “Can I touch that toy? Is it ok to get wet in that puddle?”  Two-year-olds will look to their caregivers for advice even though they may not always follow that advice – especially when the toy or puddle is very tempting. But, they are learning that there are different perspectives to consider when choosing. As parents and those in a parenting role, you can support this learning, foster responsible decision-making, and help your child understand what responsibility truly means – rather than just complying with rules to avoid consequences. This is a critical time to teach and practice responsible decision-making.

The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to grow this vital skill and build a relationship with your child that includes reliable and unconditional support in making choices.

Why Responsibility?

Children learn about themselves and how they relate to others through sensitive, caring interactions with you. These interactions impact their ability to make responsible, fair, kind, and safe decisions, learn about and manage their feelings, and trust in you as a caregiver. Your focus on responsibility is essential to developing lifelong habits of responsible decision-making.

Today, in the short term, responsibility can create

• opportunities for your child to have new experiences
• perspective-taking skills as your child begins to practice thinking about each choice from others’ points of view
• a sense of pride that your child could make a responsible choice even when it is difficult

Tomorrow, in the long term, helping your child develop responsibility

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• provides a firm foundation for exploration, learning, and speaking up
• allows your child to build strong friendships and relationships
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• fosters success in their personal and professional lives

Five Steps for Talking About Responsibility

This five-step process helps you and your child develop responsibility together. It also builds important, critical life skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Two-year-olds are highly active, exploring their environment and everything in it. They add new words to their vocabulary regularly but do not know how to name their big feelings. Frustrations with not being understood may result in them losing control more frequently. Despite your child’s new ability to use words, continue to pay close attention to their facial expressions, movements, and sounds to work on understanding what they are trying to communicate. Your effort to learn from your child will create empathetic interactions that let them know you are interested in their thoughts.

This will make a big difference in setting the stage for learning about responsibility. Watching your child as they begin to make choices will help you understand how much they have already learned about responsibility. Every child is different, and your child may change daily in how responsible they are, depending on whether they are tired, hungry, with new people, or other factors. You are the person who will know your child’s cues better than anyone else, and you will be able to anticipate whether they can make a responsible decision without help if a subtle reminder will help them to stay on track, or if they will need more help.

In becoming sensitive to your child’s verbal and nonverbal expressions, you

• show them that they can trust you to notice how they feel
• let them know that you will support them to make sure they understand what is a responsible choice
• will help them to be responsible if they are having challenges
• tell them that they can trust you to see problems coming
• deepen your ability to communicate with one another
• make sure they know that you love them unconditionally

Actions

• Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “How do you feel? How do you think I feel?” For example, if your child is with others who are all tempted to make a less responsible decision – such as wanting to knock down a big tower of blocks that a friend just built – help your child notice their thoughts and reactions and those of the other children. You might even name the expressions and body language you notice.
  • “You and your friends are looking at Stephanie’s block tower. You are smiling at the tower but looking to see where Stephanie is. I wonder if you might want to knock over her tower. That is tempting. How will she feel if her tower is knocked down? Do you think we should move away?” 
  • You can also help your child make a fence around the block tower to help everyone remember to be careful.
• When reading books, notice when the characters are about to make responsible or irresponsible decisions. Take a moment to pause the story and point out what you notice. “I think it was responsible to take the umbrella when they went to the park. The clouds in the picture look like they might rain.”
• If your child is unsure about how others are feeling or buried in their own feelings, help them by sharing what you think others are feeling. You could say, “I wonder if that person is feeling sad because their head is hanging down and their mouth is frowning. Do you think they feel sad?” Or, “I think that person might be angry because their face is red and their eyebrows are scrunched. Do you think they feel angry?”
• Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their own feelings and others and seek support when needed. This includes describing and naming the reason they are making one choice and not another. Pointing out the responsibility that they demonstrate will help them notice it and know it is there when the next challenge arises.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding a child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help build your child’s sense of responsibility. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is going through.²

• Two-year-olds are starting to see themselves as unique, individual people. They understand that they can have their own thoughts and feelings and that someone else could have different ones.
• Two-year-olds are eager to engage in imaginative play and, at times, cooperative play with other children. Through play, children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones.
• Two-year-olds can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn about the rules and attempt to understand your values.
• Two-year-olds can recognize common feelings like happiness, sadness, and anger.
• Two-year-olds may begin to experience separation anxiety when you leave them.
• Two-year-olds can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation.
• Two-year-olds may have challenges with asserting their needs or communicating when upset.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Explain why it is “ok” or “not ok” to make a certain choice. Be consistent in only allowing them to make choices that you say are ok and then helping them to begin to apply those responsibility guidelines on their own. When they make a responsible decision, show them that you noticed and tell them why you think that was a responsible choice. Offer support when it’s needed.
• Read and “pretend play” together.
  • During reading time, select a book of faces to help your child learn to identify different feelings. Point out how you can tell each face’s feelings and practice recreating those cues with your child.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. Talk about what you notice, how you feel, why you feel it, and what signs you give even when uncomfortable. “I see you are playing with all your favorite cars, and I am worried you don’t want to share them with your friend. Do you see that I am pressing my lips together like this? That means I am worried. I will get out some different toys to be easier to share.”
• Talk aloud about how you respond to your big feelings: “It made me feel so much better to tell you how I was feeling and get different toys to share.”
• Develop pride in making responsible choices. In addition to growing these essential skills that lead your child to develop responsibility, there are beliefs and attitudes you can promote to help them, too. For example, when your child uses language that ignores your advice, like “No,” you may respond with:
  • “Sometimes it is difficult, but I know you can do it.”
  • “Do you remember last time when this was hard? You took a deep breath and were able to do it.”
  • “I wonder if we can help each other overcome this challenge.”

Your daily routines allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the opportunity with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themselves.

The practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy – a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

To develop responsibility, it is essential to practice thinking about what will happen next, consider other perspectives, notice the trusted adults who are always there to help and remember that we are constantly working on being fair, kind, and safe.

Actions

• Provide opportunities for your child to make responsible decisions that are just the right size. For example, putting their book back on the bookshelf after reading it is a right-sized opportunity to be responsible for two-year-olds. If this is hard, you might offer reminders when you get it off the shelf, such as, “We are getting the book off the shelf now, and then we can put it back later.” 
• Talk about responsible decisions when there is no pressure to make one. For example, you can point out how good it feels to find your book waiting in the right spot on the shelf. “Do you remember that we put this away after we read it yesterday? It is so easy to find because we were so responsible.”
• Provide books, dolls, and other materials at home that let your child practice responsible decision-making. When you are babysitting the baby doll, make the responsible choice to change her diaper before you take her outside to play. Point out that she probably feels a lot better now, and that is what it means to be a responsible caregiver.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your child.

At this point, you’ve taught your child that you can be trusted to always be there when they need you. They are starting to be able to stop and consider how a decision will impact themselves and others. They are beginning to recognize the pride and success of being responsible. You are allowing them to practice to learn how to ultimately make responsible decisions independently.

You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. This support also tells your child that you see their challenges and that you are here to help them make kind, fair, and safe decisions. Parents naturally offer support when they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help, and this is no different.

Actions

• Initially, your child may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity and ask them to demonstrate how to work hard toward a goal. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “Show me you can make a responsible decision by starting to put your toys away in the basket.”
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed you were uncertain about what to do, and you asked for my help! I love seeing that.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is having difficulty making responsible decisions, offer confidence in your child’s ability to calm down and try again. In a gentle, non-public way, you can say, “I noticed we took a short nap and are late for a snack. Our bodies might be hungry right now. Let’s get a snack and then come back and try later.”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can offer reflections like:
  • “You seem to be having trouble making a decision. Can I help you decide on the next step?”
  • You can also comfort others when facing new challenges. “Would your bear help you feel more confident?”

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You asked for help today—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.