Responsibility for Your 3-Year-Old

Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and working together to make responsible decisions is a great way to do it.

Responsibility means considering how your actions will impact yourself and others and making a fair, kind, and safe choice. Responsible decisions children make when they are young may seem small compared to the significant decisions many teens and adults have to make. However, every decision a young child makes allows them to practice thinking through a problem and how their choices will impact themselves and others. They are learning to think ahead and do something that might not have been their first choice but is the fair and kind thing to do. Practicing this skill in early childhood lays the foundation for higher-stakes decisions in the future.

Three and four-year-olds are continuing to learn what it means to make a responsible decision, how decisions might impact themselves and others, and how to repair any harm done when they make decisions that are not responsible.¹  Three-and-four-year-olds are starting to remember some of the ways that you have taught them to be responsible and will follow them more often than they did in the past (“You cannot touch the toys when we are at a store” or “You can only go in the puddle with your boots on”).

As parents and those in a parenting role, you can support this learning, foster responsible decision-making, and help your child understand what responsibility truly means—rather than just complying with rules to avoid consequences. This is a critical time to teach and practice responsible decision-making.

The steps below include specific, practical strategies to prepare you to grow this vital skill and build a relationship with your child that includes reliable and unconditional support in making choices.

Why Responsibility?

Children learn about themselves and how they relate to others through sensitive, caring interactions with you. These interactions impact their ability to make responsible, fair, kind, and safe decisions, learn about and manage their feelings, and trust in you as a caregiver. Your focus on responsibility is essential to developing lifelong habits of responsible decision-making.

Today, in the short term, responsibility can create

• opportunities for your child to have new experiences
• perspective-taking skills as your child begins to practice thinking about each choice from others’ points of view
• a sense of pride that your child could make a responsible choice even when difficult

Tomorrow, in the long term, helping your child develop responsibility

• develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self
• provides a firm foundation for exploration, learning, and speaking up
• allows your child to build strong friendships and relationships
• builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making
• fosters success in their personal and professional lives

Five Steps for Talking About Responsibility

This five-step process helps you and your child develop responsibility together. It also builds important, critical life skills in your child. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process).

Three to four-year-olds’ communication will be limited to five to six-word sentences, and they may still cry to communicate with you. Paying close attention to your child’s facial expressions, body movements, and words helps you better understand what they are trying to communicate. Your efforts to learn from your child build trust and create empathetic interactions that let them know you are interested in their thoughts.

This will make a big difference in setting the stage for learning about responsibility. Watching your child as they make choices will help you understand how much they have already learned about responsibility. Every child is different, and your child may change from day to day in how responsible they are depending on whether they are tired, hungry, with new people, or other factors. You are the person who will know your child’s cues better than anyone else, and you will be able to anticipate whether they can make a responsible decision without help if a subtle reminder will help them to stay on track, or if they will need more help.

In becoming sensitive to your child’s verbal and nonverbal expressions, you

• show them that they can trust you to notice how they feel
• let them know that you will support them to make sure they understand what is a responsible choice
• will help them to be responsible if they are having difficulty
• let them know that they can trust you to see problems coming
• deepen your ability to communicate with one another
• make sure they know that you love them unconditionally

Actions

• Each time there is an opportunity, ask your child, “What do you notice? How do you feel? How do you think the other child feels? What are you wondering?” For example, if your child is tempted to play with their sister’s markers without asking, help them notice their thoughts and reactions and the thoughts and reactions of their sister when she finds out what happened. You might even name the expressions and body language you notice.
  • “I see you are tempted to use your sister’s markers without asking her permission. I wonder how she would feel if she knew you would do this. Do you think we should ask her first?”
• When reading books, notice when the characters are about to make responsible or irresponsible decisions. Take a moment to pause the story and ask your child, “What do you think will happen if he makes that decision? What would you do?” Later in the story, you can ask, “How do you think that character is feeling? Do you think it felt good to make a responsible decision?”
• If your child is feeling unsure about how to describe all of the feelings that occur when trying to be responsible or how others are feeling, consider asking questions, naming what you notice, and leaving plenty of quiet space after your questions so they have an opportunity to share their ideas too.
  • “How did you feel when you first saw the markers?” 
  • “Was there anything that made you feel worried?”
  • “How do you feel right now?”
  • “How do you think you will feel next time?”
  • “Is there anything we can do to remember how responsible you were today?”
• Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their feelings and others and seek support when needed. This includes describing and naming the reason they are making one choice and not another. Pointing out the responsibility that they demonstrate will help them notice it and know it is there when the next challenge arises.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there is much to learn about understanding a child’s rhythms, temperaments, and needs. Because of all this learning, you will make mistakes and even poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help build your child’s sense of responsibility. Offering yourself the grace and permission not to be perfect can ease your anxiety in responding to your child’s needs. developmental milestones can help you better understand what your child is going through.²

• Three to four-year-olds are copying or mimicking adult words and actions.
• Three to four-year-olds are growing in empathy for others. They will attempt to comfort another crying child and show affection for others without prompting.
• Three to four-year-olds can converse by offering two to three sentences but still need to have a feelings vocabulary. They cannot describe their body sensations when upset or dealing with big feelings. A feelings vocabulary takes longer to develop.
• Three to four-year-olds are eager to play pretend play independently and cooperatively with other children. Through play, children gain vital practice with all of their developmental milestones.
• Three to four-year-olds can show defiant behavior and test boundaries as they learn the rules and attempt to understand your values.
• Three to four-year-olds can show a broader range of feelings.
• Three to four-year-olds may begin to experience separation anxiety when you leave them.
• Three to four-year-olds can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in a particular situation.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.

Actions

• Explain why it is “ok” or “not ok” to make a certain choice. Be consistent in only allowing them to make choices that you say are ok and then helping them to begin to apply those responsibility guidelines on their own. When they make a responsible decision, show them that you noticed and tell them why you think that was a good choice. An example of an opportunity to be responsible might be deciding whether to eat all of the snacks in the big bowl or offer some to other family members and offer support when it’s needed.
• Read and “pretend play” together.
  • During reading time, select a book of faces to help your child learn to identify different feelings. Point out how you can tell each face’s feelings and practice recreating those cues with your child.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. Talk about what you notice, how you feel, why you feel it, and what signs you give even when uncomfortable. “I see you are playing in the sandbox with your shoes on. Do you see my lips are frowning? I am sad you didn’t listen to my instructions about taking your shoes off first. I will ask you to leave the sandbox and take your shoes off, please.”
• Talk aloud about your big feelings. “It made me feel so much better to tell you how I was feeling and to have you take your shoes off before playing in the sandbox.”
• Develop pride in making responsible choices. In addition to growing these essential skills that lead your child to develop responsibility, there are beliefs and attitudes you can promote to help them, too. For example, when your child uses language that ignores someone else’s feelings, like, “I don’t care if it will make him upset,” you may respond with:
  • “Sometimes it is difficult to help others, but I know you can do it.”
  • “Do you remember last time when this seemed hard? You took a deep breath and were able to do it.”
  • “I wonder if we can do something to help us overcome this challenge.”

Your daily routines allow your child to practice new vital skills if you seize those chances. With practice, your child will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your child works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themselves.

The practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy – a child’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It helps them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

To develop responsibility, it is essential to practice thinking about what will happen next, consider other perspectives, notice the trusted adults who are always there to help and remember that we are constantly working on being fair, kind, and safe.

Actions

• Provide opportunities for your child to make responsible decisions that are just the right size. For example, if your child wants to color with their sister’s markers, stop them before they go to get them and plan how they will ask permission first. This is much easier than waiting to mention responsibility until your child already has the markers in their hand and is ready to color with them. The goal is to come up with experiences that help them remember what it means to be responsible and are just beyond what they are comfortable with.
• Talk about responsible decisions when there is no pressure to make one. For example, you can point out how good it feels to find your book waiting in the right spot on the shelf. “Do you remember that we put this away after we read it yesterday? It is so easy to find because we were so responsible.”
• Provide books, dolls, and other materials at home that let children practice responsible decision-making. When you are babysitting the baby doll, make the responsible choice to change her diaper before you take her outside to play. Point out that she probably feels a lot better now, and that is what it means to be a responsible caregiver.
• Initially, practice may require more teaching, but avoid taking over and doing it for your child.

At this point, you’ve taught your child that you can always be trusted to be there when they need you, that they can stop and consider how a decision will impact themselves and others, and that they can recognize the pride and success of being responsible. You are allowing them to practice to learn how to ultimately make responsible decisions independently.

You can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, and coaching. This support also tells your child that you see the challenge they are facing and you are here to talk to them about it and help them to make kind, fair, and safe decisions. Even if they have already done something they think is not responsible, your child needs to know that you are there to help them figure out how to handle the situation. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different.

Actions

• Initially, your child may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity and ask them to demonstrate how to work hard toward a goal. When a child learns a new skill, they are eager to show it off! “Show me you can make a kind decision to help everyone.” 
• Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like: “I noticed that you were uncertain about what to do, but you asked your friend how it would make her feel. I love seeing that you care about how your actions impact others.”
• On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child is having difficulty making responsible decisions, offer confidence in your child’s ability to calm down and try again. In a gentle, non-public way, you can say, “I noticed you were trying to complete that task, but I know you are hungry. Let’s get a snack and then come back and try later.”
• Actively reflect on how your child is feeling when approaching challenges. You can offer reflections like:
  • “You seem worried about forgetting to take your backpack to tomorrow’s first day of preschool. Shall we put a note on the door so we won’t forget?”
  • You can also offer comfort when facing new situations to help your child gain a sense of security and face challenges rather than backing away.

No matter how old your child is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow.

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your child’s behavior.

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “You asked for help today—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the child knows what to expect. A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your child progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a child’s internal motivation.

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis (like in the grocery store checkout line and a child is having a tantrum. To avoid disaster, a parent offers to buy a sucker if the child will stop the tantrum). While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.

Actions

• Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child’s choice.
• Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the whole bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.
• Build celebrations into your routine. For example, after you’ve completed your bedtime routine, snuggle and read before bed. Or, in the morning, once you’re ready for school, take a few minutes to listen to music together.

Closing

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that will strengthen your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role on many other issues and develop essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child. Through this tool, children can become more self-aware, deepen their social awareness, exercise their self-management skills, work on their relationship skills, and demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making.